When I was a kid, I had one of those Mr. Potato Head toys. They were fun, and I made some pretty scary looking vegetables. (Are potatoes a vegetable or a starch? I don’t know. Doesn’t matter.)
The point is “What if we could build a president like a Mr. Potato Head toy?” Now wouldn’t that be cool? No more having to settle for a candidate who looks like a conservative but acts like a liberal. No more incredibly ugly candidates. You could pick the gender, the race, the height, the weight, whatever suits your fancy. You want a stud for President? You got it! You want a braniac? Go ahead and build him!
But hey. How about this for a novel idea? We could build a President who tells us the truth! Now wouldn’t that be cool for a change? Or a president who doesn’t waffle or flip-flop like a fish? Wouldn’t it be nice to vote for someone and actually have confidence that you knew who the candidate really was? I’ve often wondered why candidates have to continually “remake” themselves. And what the hell is an “image consultant” anyway? I don’t have one. I just say what I mean and mean what I say. And why do politicians need so many of them? Seems to me it would be cheaper just to be yourself. But what do I know? I’m just a citizen.
Now just for grins and giggles, and because it’s going to be so much fun, let’s have a contest to see who can build the best president. At the bottom of the page, you can comment on this article. Inside the comment, describe to me your idea of the perfect president. Feel free to use real people, dead or alive, or make up fictional people if you wish. But this should be someone you’d vote and campaign for.
As extra incentive, I’ll send free signed books to the top five entries. (I am the sole judge, and my word is final. My books – my opinion.) Any book listed on www.whitefeatherpress.com is eligible as a prize. I’ll even have the author add a personal note and autograph. (Yes, I can do this, because I’m the President of the company.) I’ll even get you started with an entry of my own.
My perfect Mr. Potato Head President will have:
1. The honesty of Abraham Lincoln. That’s right, they didn’t call him “Honest Abe” for nothing. When I look a politician in the hairy eyeball and ask him if he’s going to raise taxes, then I damn well expect him to hold my stare and tell me the truth. Dishonesty is the number one problem in our government, and the number one reason the average citizen hates politicians. For example: “Tell me the truth, Mr. Lincoln. Do you really think Mary Todd was good looking?”
2. The testicles of Ted Nugent. Yup! You heard me right. Give me balls over brains any day. Any moron can run the country so long as he has the guts to do it. That’s what advisors are for. (Do any of you really think our past presidents have all been intelligent? Not me.) Some people don’t like the Motor City madman, but one thing’s for certain: whether you agree or disagree with him, whether you like him or hate him – you always know for certain where Ted Nugent stands. If Ted’s thinking it – Ted’s saying it.
3. A deep-seated, genuine faith in God. Give me one order of president, lots of character, with a clean lifestyle. (Atheists, Muslim radicals, people confused about their God-given gender, and adulterers need not apply.) But I can hear empty-headed liberal heads shaking all over the west and east coasts. “You are an intolerant bigot!” My response? “That’s nice. I really don’t care what you think of me.” Which brings me to my next presidential qualification.
4. Intolerance. My perfect president will not care what others think of him. He won’t govern based on polls or which way the wind’s blowing on any given day. He will not tolerate dishonesty, reverse racism, terrorists, political correctness, overtaxation, big government, the ATF, and the IRS. There are some things in life that just shouldn’t be tolerated. You have your list. I have mine. (Mine counts.)
5. A Founding Father’s mindset. My perfect president has read the constitution and understands that it is not a “living, breathing” document. He’s read the Federalist Papers and the 5,000 Year Leap. (He might even listen to Glenn Beck from time to time.) My Potato Head president understands what our Founding Fathers understood so well, “Man is inherently evil.” That’s the genius of our American system. We are a flawed race. We need accountability. Checks and balances, baby. Checks and balances!
I guess that’s about it for now. At least it gives you all a starting point. I’m sure many of you will improve on what I’ve written. I’m anxious to see your Mr. Potato Head President.
Oh yes, one other thing. You’ll notice when I referred to my perfect president, I always said “he” or “him”. That wasn’t by design. I’m a man, so I say “he”, not “he/she”. If I was a woman, I’d have said “she”. But I’m not. That really torques me when people do that. I really don’t care if the president is a man or a woman. I just want him to have some balls.
