Guns Didn’t Kill Those People in Colorado — Projectiles Did

(Satirical Commentary))

By Michelle Obama

So America, the moment you all have been waiting for is here. It is time you heard from a heavyweight cultural critic; a champion social pioneer, human rights advocate and public policy expert. Yes, America, it’s time you heard from me, First Lady Michelle Obama.

As this nation goes about its grief in the wake of the Aurora, Colorado tragedy, demands for tighter bans on guns continue to echo throughout America. It is a tired, familiar cycle we all know: a monstrous gun crime is committed, innocent people are killed, the nation is horrified, and yet laws that would prevent such an atrocity remain not passed. Yeah, we tweak a gun restriction here and there, clamp down harder on some sort of rare mechanical murder maker, but really, we mostly just talk about how shocked we are. This is a pathetic cycle of cultural self-denial that must stop.

We must also admit our bans on certain firearms have done little to assuage the results of madmen. Indeed, even cities that have outlawed firearms completely have not seen a drop in gun crime. This has caused me to realize: no matter how many guns we ban or laws we pass, we will still not get to the heart of the problem, because the problem is much greater and more terrifying than guns. The problems is this: if we go back and look at everyone who has ever been killed or injured by any “shooting weapon,” what have they all had in common? All of them have been victims of, yes, projectiles.

By “projectiles” you may think I am speaking of bullets, and only bullets. But the problem is much deeper than just bullets. Have not human beings (and animals) been victims of not only bullets, but projectiles such as arrows, missiles, bombs, Molotov cocktails, poison darts, dead cats, rocks, and the rare but ever-so-lethal pig fetus in a Mason jar? See, the problem goes much deeper than guns or their bullets. It is projectiles entirely we must ban, and ban immediately.

Just look at the damage projectiles have inflicted throughout history:
• Going all the way back to ancient Greece –Achilles, a gallant, invincible warrior was finally killed when his ankle was pierced by what? –a projectile.
• Let us go back even further…to 25,371 B.C., during the Great Caveman War of present-day Budapest. Caveman “Aauugha” was reportedly killed when another caveperson picked up a what and threw it at him? –a projectile!
• Twenty-five millennium later, during the first Crusade, Christian invaders of Jerusalem used archers to fire into the city and maim and kill people with what? –projectiles!
• Explorer Juan Ponce de Leon, in search of the Fountain of Youth, was killed after original inhabitants shot a poisoned what at him? –a projectile!
• In 1066 A.D., English King Harold II was killed by what in the Battle of Hastings? –a projectile!

And the sad list goes on and on…. Abraham Lincoln: killed by a projectile. Alexander Hamilton: killed by a projectile! Lord Nelson? Projectile! John F. Kennedy? Projectile! John Lennon? Projectile! Che Guevara? Projectile! Hiroshima? Projectile! Kurt Cobain? Projectile! September 11, 2001? Projectiles! Projectiles, projectiles, and more projectiles…

Can this deadly connection between murder and projectiles be just a mere coincidence, matter of happenstance? Hardly. What is clear is the havoc projectiles have inflicted upon us throughout history. But do projectiles show any sign of slowing in their wrath? Stunningly, no, their use keeps increasing, building evermore to a blood-soaked, airborne crescendo of chaos. Is not this ultimate question abundantly clear?: How can we continue living in a world with projectiles?

Let there be no more doubt about it: unless we take serious steps to outlaw the prevalence of projectiles, Americans will continue to fall victim to their murderous fury. It is time our leaders stand up and projectiles stand down, and remain down. We must call on our lawmakers to ban projectiles entirely. No. More. Projectiles!

Until the day we can walk the earth without projectiles, I’m afraid there will never be peace. If we learn only one thing from Colorado; if we learn only one thing from Hiroshima; if we learn only one thing from Fort Hood, JFK, MLK, RFK, Lincoln, the University of Texas Bell Tower, the D.C. snipers, and the billions of Americans killed every year on the streets, it is that projectiles have no place in our society.

No more projectiles! Unless we realize the urgent need for revolutionary projectile restriction, we will no doubt project ourselves right out of existence.

Thank you, and may God Bless the Aurora victims, their families, and America.

First Lady Michelle Obama

About the author: Nick Taxia

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site,, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian. Catch Nick on the West Coast’s One America News Network on Friday’s “The Daily Ledger,” at 5:00 & 8:00 PM, PST, and 8:00 & 11:00 PM via live stream for at

View all articles by Nick Taxia

  • sovereigntyofone

    ” Until the day we can walk the earth without projectiles” Man, or woman that wants to kill will always find a way or thing to use to do it..period. Until men/women can get along with each other (that includes leaders of nations and countries), and there are no longer mentally ill maniacs running loose, people will continue to kill each other. Until then people must have the ” individual right to defend themselves”. Authority (Police, FBI, Government) always show up after the fact, and the crime has been commited. Any government that wishes to take away your right to defend yourself could care less if you live or become the next (dead ) victim. Removing your 2nd Amendment rights make you a target to become the ” next ” victim. It’s your choice…. live or die.

  • ZagoZana

    So no flags should go up when someone orders 4,000 “PROJECTILES” and a trunk load of DEADLY weapons? No balance can be made, ever?
    The NRA, “National Ray-gun Association” is really only interested in helping their contributors,
    The armaments makers, make even more money from promoting fear and loathing.
    We on the center-left are really afraid of their real intentions. I was in the military and we know why controls must be set to flag ELECTED authorities, and not corporate malcontents who would lose MONEY if they had to limit their sales a little…



    • TexasJester

      And as an NRA member and gun owner, would you care to enlighten me as to their motives, other than to maintain the Second Amendment and allowing law-abiding citizens to bear arms in self-defense of the criminals who shouldn’t have weapons but do? You fear THIS??

      You, sir/madam, have your head stuck so far up your rectum you need a pain of glass put in your stomach so you can see.

      Police carry weapons to protect THEMSELVES, not YOU. When seconds count, and police are minutes away, what will you put your faith in? The police, who will investigate your murder, or your home-defense weapon that is right there? Ask the young widowed mother in Oklahoma nit to long ago who had 2 staplers in her home for almost 25 MINUTES while she was on the phone with911, in her barricadedbedroom, with a shotgun in her lap. When one of the intruders finally broke in, he came at her with a knife – she shot him dead. The police didn’t arrive for another 10 minutes. Without that weapon, she -and possibly her infant child – would be dead right now. And you would question the rights of LEGAL gun owners??

  • hillcountrynell

    Nah, she could never use “assuage” in a sentence.

  • TexasJester

    Wow.. Billions of Americans killed? I can see the Mooch saying this, right alongside her idiot husband who talks about having been in 57 states, and has one more to visit..

    Sad part is, I know this is parody and sarcasm, but I can honestly believe she WOULD say something like this!!

  • TexasOlTimer

    What happens when guns are banned? In Australia they banned guns back in the 1990s. The law abiding citizens dutifully handed in their guns. After all, the police could protect them. What has happened there? The crime rate is up by some 69%. Home invasions are on the rise as the criminals know that no one can stop them. The police are demoralized and have far too few to handle the complaints. Many they don’t even respond to. You can see a video that tells what happens by searching for “What happens when a nation bans guns”. We can ban guns but then only criminals will have them and we will be defenseless against them or against our government should it turn against us.

    Murders would still occur because there are blunt instruments, knives, cars, stones (the first murder recorded in the Bible was with a stone – shall we ban them?), lamps or anything that can be picked up to hit another with, including fists. Murder is illegal but that hasn’t stopped anyone from killing another if they are intent on doing so.

    Right now, we have an administration that seems intent on ignoring our Constitution. He has said that he wants to ban guns. It was only because 51 Senators sent a letter to him stating that he was not to sign any UN Treaty that we pulled out at the last minute. If we are disarmed, how do we defend ourselves against a dictator? In countries where this has happened, the first thing to do is take over the media (which they are trying to do here with the Fairness Doctrine) and disarm the citizens (which they would like to do).

    Taking away our guns will not prevent what happened in Aurora. Allowing more to carry would have stopped it. Anyone with a carry license that was in that theatre who had been armed would have taken out the shooter quickly preventing many deaths and injuries. The police were on the premises and they couldn’t do anything because they weren’t in that particular theatre. The shooters only go to premises that ban guns such as this theatre, schools and other venues. A recent video on Fox showed a store being robbed by four armed gunman when a 65-year-old lady employee pulled her gun and fired two shots at them. Instead of the store being robbed and possibly employees and customers being shot, the four turned and ran. That didn’t make the headlines but should have.

    Never ever let the government take away any right given by the Constitution and Bill of Rights. They are currently nibbling away at them until there will be nothing left and we will be living in a Russia, China, North Korea or any other country that has been taken over. Read your history!

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