Try It If You Dare, But No One Can Out-Concern Me!

By President Barack Obama

My Fellow Americans,

Over the past few years I have been accused of many things, but the charge which has stuck in my craw the most is that I am “not concerned enough” about the American people.  The Washington Post says I’m “out of touch.”  The New York Times says I take too long to “contemplate matters.”  James Carville blasts me for “dragging my feet” and being apathetic, and “aloof.”  Even my former top officials, like Shirley Sherrod, say I “don’t know what it’s like (to be a true Black American).”

Meanwhile, conservatives say I am lackadaisical to the point of being out-right insensitive, that I’m disconnected; too busy hobnobbing at celebrity fundraisers and playing golf to know what it’s like for the American people, etc.

Now, to top off all of these frequent accusations about my “apathy” here comes Mitt Romney and his speech before the NAACP in Houston, Wednesday.  Mormon Mitt goes before the nation’s oldest Black civil rights group and chastises me for not addressing them this year; accuses ME of being indifferent to the plight of Black Americans and other minorities and the poor?   Says MY policies are detrimental to job growth and “upward mobility”…?!   Multi-million Mitt says I’m out of touch and ineffective at helping the poor and middle-class in front of the NAACP, my own backyard?!

Well, that does it! I am sick of these baseless accusations.  Enough is enough!

My fellow Americans, you must not believe these lies. The fact is that I am more concerned about our 8.2% unemployment, our 16-trillion dollar debt, our housing crisis, the unprecedented surge in federal disability claims, a possible war with Iran, or any other issue than any president ever.  E-V-E-R.

Just pick any issue you can think of, any issue at all, and I can guarantee you I am so concerned about it that it can’t even be calculated.  In fact, not only am I more concerned about our problems than any other American president, but I am more concerned than any American in history.  I can out-concern anyone from a President to your local Registrar of Wills, to any ordinary citizen – my concern is unfathomable in its veracity.  So don’t even try to be more concerned that me.  You’ll lose.

I am Barack Obama, damn it, the King of Concern!  I am the Sultan of Sympathy; the Potentate of Pensiveness; the Wizard of Worry; Grand Pondering Poobah; the Emperor of Anxiety, and I will not allow my critics to accuse me of being out of touch!  I have more concern for peoples’ problems than any other person in human history (even Jesus)!  If this wasn’t true why else would I say it?

You know what my nickname was as a kid in Hawaii and Indonesia? —The Concernanator.  That’s right; bet you all never knew that one, huh?   But that was my nickname, and it filled my peers with dread.  We used to have “concerning contests” to see you could out-concern who.  And guess who won, always? I could out-concern any of my classmates, and I’ve been out-concerning everyone since.  I’ve been whippin’ people’s behinds at being concerned for over 50 years.

And now The Concernanator is large and in charge, but the Romney campaign and its surrogates in the mainstream media is turning my image all black and blue.  And that gives me, well, the blues!  And trust me: you do not want the Concernanator getting the blues.  I’m the most powerful man in the world, at the helm of the mightiest military ever, and I could do a lot of damage if I wanted.  But if that ever happened believe me, no one would be as concerned about that damage than myself, the Concernanator.

So just give up, America —you can’t be more concerned than I!  Debate over.  Done!  Finished!  My concern is so immeasurable, and in my second term all of our problems are going to be gone because I’m just so damned concerned about them.

I will sit down and concern us out of our stagnant economy. I will concern my way through our skyrocketing national debt and joblessness. I will concern our nation over the nuclear ambitions of Iran.  And when I send more drones over the Middle East and North Ameri…okay, the entire world, really, trust me: they’ll be the most concerned unmanned spy and kill drones ever!

No one can out-concern me.  Give it a shot, if you choose –that is, if you dare.  Try to out–concern me, any of you detractors and Republican smart-asses out there, and you’ll just be sowing the seeds of your own folly, bringing humiliation on yourselves and America. The person who can be concerned like no other is here and in control, and I will continue to be for the next four years.

So knock off the false charges, Mitt Romney, or I’ll concern my caring presidential foot all the way up your unconcerned behind!  Thank you, and God bless America!

Sincerely,

President Barack Obama