(attention: the following is satire)
Wednesday, August 17th, 2012,
(KANSAS CITY, KS) —Mitt Romney’s campaign endured another unexpected attack this week, after another former employee of Romney’s came out and accused the GOP nominee of “feeding his infant son to crocodiles.”
Along with Joe Soptic (the man in the now famous anti-Romney ad claiming that being fired by Romney’s Bain Capital company caused his family to lose their health insurance, thus rendering them unable to detect and treat his wife’s cancer in time to save her life), fellow GST Steel employee, Mark Ringley, was also downsized in 2001 in an attempt to save the company. Following his release from GST Steel, Mr. Ringley held several menial jobs from 2002 to 2007, but was unable to find work that matched the pay and benefits he had with Bain-owned GST. According to the Ringleys, Mark frequently expressed dismay at not finding comparable work during those years when his wife, Ellen, a nurse practitioner, came up with an idea to lift Mark and his family’s spirits –a vacation to Disney World! “It seemed like a nice change of pace and a good way to hit ‘reset’ on a lot of things in our family,” sobbed Mr. Ringley to Duh Progressive Tuesday.
With some money Mark had saved from his days at GST and Ellen’s $109,000/year salary, the couple, along with their 6-year-old daughter and 20-month-old son, Eddie, flew to Ft. Lauderdale in May of 2008, rented a car and began driving to Disney World, leaving their woes behind. Stopping for a night in St. Augustine, the Ringleys visited the city’s famous Alligator Farm and were standing by a railing overlooking its crocodile exhibit when tragedy struck. According to Mr. Ringley, while holding his son in his arms he “went to step closer” to help Eddie peek over the ledge of the railing at the crocodiles. “But I slipped on a banana peel, fell against the railing and lost my grip!” recounted Ringley. “Before I knew it, Eddie fell into the moat … the crocodiles ate him in a blink!”
In the Ringleys’ teary eyes, if Mark had not been downsized by Mitt Romney’s Bain Capital, they never would have gotten the idea to alleviate the anxiety it caused with a vacation seven years later; a vacation which ended in the tragic devouring of their toddler son by giant, prehistoric lizards.
Said a crying Mark Ringley on Tuesday, “That dirty son-of-a-b**ch, Mitt Romney! It was because of him my baby boy was eaten! Mitt-(expletive)-Romney, you fed my baby to crocodiles! Burn in Hell, Mitt Romney!”
According to former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, the revelation of Mitt Romney feeding a former (albeit indirect) employee’s baby to crocodiles spells certain doom for the former Bain Capital founder’s presidential bid…even if Romney had relinquished personal oversight of Bain in 1999, and even if Ellen Ringley still made a six-digit income, and even if Mr. Ringley had bouts of depression and alcohol abuse as far back as 1990, and even if police reports from St. Augustine on that tragic day found Mr. Ringley with a blood alcohol content of .18 (in other words, very intoxicated) and found “no banana peel or anything Mr. Ringley could have tripped on at the site of the accident.”
Said Gibbs on MSNBC’s Morning Joe show Wednesday, “The Romney campaign will try to spin this story the best it can, throwing in things like “details” and “circumstances” and “actualities” and other such distractions. But when you get right down to it, the overall facts remain: Mitt Romney fired (Mr. Ringley), Mr. Ringley got depressed because of it, his family went on vacation to elevate that depression, and consequently had their son eaten by crocodiles … Mitt Romney fed this man’s baby to crocodiles! What is not clear about that?!”
The Ringleys are reportedly already in touch with Priorities USA, the Obama Super PAC responsible for the Joe Soptic-Mitt-Romney-Responsible-For-My-Wife’s-Death ad. Bill Burton, a Priorities USA director and senior White House staff member said Priorities is planning on releasing an ad next week featuring the Ringleys standing next to the spot in St. Augustine’s Alligator Farm where their baby son “was thrown in by Mitt Romney.”
However the Alligator Farm’s General Manager, John Brueggen, issued a press release to several major newspapers around the country Wednesday, including the Politico and Orlando Sentinel, stating: “… It is the official policy of the St. Augustine Alligator Farm not to allow readmission of any person(s) responsible for police-involved disturbances or accidents on our premises, such as dropping a 20-month-old toddler into our crocodile pit because one had/has a history of alcohol abuse and was drunk off one’s butt at the time they dropped the toddler.”
Such barring of Mark Ringley from re-entry into the scene of “Mitt Romney’s crime” is not something Priorities USA co-director Sean Sweeney says will stop the PAC’s newest feat in historical accuracy.
“If we have to stand directly off the (Alligator Farm’s) property to film the ad, then that’s what we’ll have to do,” said Sweeney via phone interview to Duh Progressive Wednesday. “We can still show America the scene of the crime and the victims. The only thing we won’t be able to show at the scene is the perpetrator who threw little Eddie Ringley into that crocodile pit, Mitt-the-child-killer-croc-feeder-Romney.”