The Moment I Lift My Hand from the Bible …A Tea Party’s Dream Inaugural

While running for the Republican nomination to oppose President Bill Clinton, Pat Buchanan would promise that as the next president of the United States, “the moment I lift my hand from the Bible, I will turn to Bill and Hillary Clinton and say, ‘You have the right to remain silent, whatever you say, can and will be held against you in a court of law.’” The remark, always well received by the Buchanan brigades, became a moot point with the nomination of the Dino-RINO, Bob Dole. As a former foot soldier in those brigades and a voice in the tea-party choir, I offer you the Inaugural event for which we have all been dreaming. If Mitt Romney really wants to restore Liberty, then the event will go something like this:

The moment, I Mitt Romney, lift my hand from the Bible:

I will slap Chief Justice Roberts and say, “Don’t worry … that was just a tax.”

I will turn to Barack Obama and say, “Don’t leave town; my Attorney General, Joe Arpaio would like to schedule an appointment; he has a few questions that he needs you to answer.”

I will make sure that Matthews, Olbermann, and Maddow all have a good seat to document the event; and to be merciful, an EMS rapid response team will be on standby with an AED.

Franklin Graham will pray … in Jesus’ name and I will say “Amen”, blowing a kiss to the ACLU, the American Atheists and Bill Maher.

I would invite the Dixie Chicks, Tony Bennett, and Barbara Streisand because even at an inaugural, you need someone to park cars.

I will light up an Opus X and waft the smoke in the general direction of the defunct first lady while Ted Nugent plays the Star Spangled Banner on his Gibson guitar.

And speaking of First Ladies; Ann Romney will raise her own children, not dictate to yours.

I will personally peel Michelle Obama’s feculent, fascist fingers from your child’s lunch box and a group of visiting Boy Scouts will take a fist full of Twinkies from a Chick-fil-A bag, thrust them heavenward and cry out in unison, “From my cold, dead hands”. I will tell McDonalds that no one in the White House will force, pressure or threaten them to turn their happy meals into compost. I will tell restaurants that it is their decision to serve salt, faux gras, allow cigarettes or have endless fries and the market will decide if they are wise in doing so.

I will announce an end to the golf trips, the shopping splurges in France and Spain, the Broadway plays and the frivolous waste of a Secret Service escort for a spoiled pre-pubescent teen on her first spring break. If Alexander the Great and Robert E. Lee wouldn’t eat or drink until their troops were fed then we can stay off the golf-course and David Letterman’s stage until the wars are over and America is fully employed!

I will tell Google, Buffet and GE that the White House is no longer a garage sale or a bed and breakfast; and while you are here Mr. Buffet, write out a check to the IRS for one billion dollars or get sized up by General Arpaio for shackles and pink underwear; your secretary can run the company while you’re “away” and we’ll lower her taxes, too.

I will introduce the Czars to a metaphorical guillotine; if you can’t pass an F.B.I. security screening then you can’t pass through the White House gate … even for a tour. I will write the last executive order that does away with all future executive orders.

I will lift the ban on 3.2 gallon toilets, incandescent light bulbs, salt, cigarettes, MSG, pleasure, fun and freedom.

I will unleash Ron Paul on the Federal Reserve … with Subpoena power; I will let him sniff Barney Frank’s and Christopher Dodd’s prison uniforms and say, “Sick-em, boy!”

I will put Paul Ryan in charge of auditing every agency in the Federal Government. I will cut, actually cut, 10% across the board and will offer a 2% stipend as an incentive for anyone within a Department that blows the whistle on waste and fraud.

I will openly challenge the tree humpers on energy policy and we will drill, baby drill. My energy secretary, Todd Palin will make sure that we are an “all of the above” energy producer and he will begin by dismantling the Department of Energy.

I will end the Department of Education and announce that there will be Federal vouchers until a local solution is implemented.

I will empower my Secretary of Health and Human Services, Sarah Palin, to walk Obamacare into the Death Panel and make sure that it receives a proper burial.

No federal money will be dispersed without congressional approval and oversight … like the constitution says, not the IMF; Greece and Europe … bail out your own socialist gluteus; we have work to do over here. If Greece wants a bailout, I’d top the donation at one million; that’d be one million copies of the Federalist papers to be followed 3 months later by the muskets and gun powder to implement them.

I will announce that the Justice Department will now enforce the nation’s laws again including DOMA and Eric Holder will be able to defend himself against charges of treason, fraud and dereliction of duty. I will institute a law stating that public employees, judges or politicians found guilty of a breach of the public trust will have mandatory sentences and serve double the time of a regular citizen. Congress will be bound by its own laws and every Friday will be “strike 3 laws from the books” day.

Did I say that I will kill the czars? Metaphorically speaking, of course!

I will tell Israel, England, Taiwan and Tibet that they have a friend again in the White House … and I will tell the madmen of the Middle East, North Korea and South America, that they don’t.

I will tell Hamas, Hezbollah, and the Taliban that we don’t negotiate with terrorists and we will no longer send them aid unless, of course, it’s tied to the tail end of a Patriot missile.

I will end nation building. Armies destroy things and kill people and that’s the ROE our troops would receive until we could withdraw them. I would support allies in sensitive places with supplies but not with our sons and daughters. Freedom is won at the cost of your blood and your sweat and if you aren’t “all in” for your own liberty, neither is my son or daughter.

I will tell Putin that the transmission he received about the Alpha-Fail pusillanimous president who promised to do his best Cirque-duh-Soleil after his next election; well, he’s not going to be able to keep his promise; America prefers its Commander-in-Chief to have an iron back-bone and brass cojones. And one more thing, Vladimir; if you ever float one of your glow-in-the-dark subs into the Gulf of Mexico on my watch; be prepared to come and beg for its keys; you can meet me on the deck of the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan. I’ll be the guy wearing the PUSSY RIOT concert tee and the bomber jacket, standing underneath the banner that says, “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” (in Russian). Go ahead, tavarish; Make My Day!

And finally, I will return the bust of Winston Churchill to the oval office and hand what’s left of the crushed Mao and Hedda Lettuce Christmas ornaments to Mrs. Obama with a thank you card attached from America:
“You can tell your story walking. Get Hence!” signed with the affectionate gratitude of all freedom-loving Americans.

About the author: John Kirkwood

John Kirkwood

John Kirkwood is a son of Issachar. He is a Zionist, gun-toting, cigar-smoking, incandescent light bulb-using, 3.2 gallon flushing, fur-wearing, Chinese (MSG) eating, bow-hunting, SUV driving, unhyphenated American man who loves his wife, isn't ashamed of his country and does not apologize for his Christianity. He Pastors Grace Gospel Fellowship Bensenville, where "we the people" seek to honor "In God we Trust." He hosts the Christian wake up call IN THE ARENA every Sunday at noon on AM 1160 and he co-hosts UnCommon Sense, the Christian Worldview with a double shot of espresso on He is the proud homeschooling dad of Konnor, Karter and Payton and the "blessed from heaven above" husband of the Righteous and Rowdy Wendymae.

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