HEY, SNOOP DOGG: Got Your List Right Here, Yo

Recently, the “street-wise” philosopher, Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr. decided to endorse Barrack Obama for re-election. Better known as Snoop Dogg, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Snoop Lion, DJ Snoopadelic, and Uncle Snoop; the blunted and blazed social critic dismissed Mitt Romney with a string of profanities and inanities.

Set out to prove to the Massachusetts white bread, that “SNOOP’S UPSIDE YA HEAD”; he tweeted a duo of lists from one of his followers that gives ten reasons to vote for Obama and ten to vote against Romney. Among the highlights dissing Romney were criticisms of Romney’s religion and fidelity – “He’s a Mormon, but ain’t got no hoes;” of his wife and her avocation – “Bi*** got a dancing horse,” and of the Governor’s middle name – “This muthaf****’s name is Mitt.”

For the sake of argument, I’ll concede that Snoop has got the Governor pegged as a “White Ni*** hoe” who looks “like he says ni*** all the time” and “always interrupts and talks over people like he’s better than them.” That “hoe-less, Mormon muthaf****” Mitt, has only got one “b***” in the stable and I’m not talking about the dancing horse. But there is one point of contention on the anti-Romney list; Snoop’s condemnation that “He reminds me of every boss I ever hated.” Now I’m sure that’s a really long list and he may have forgotten a few along the way; but there’s one that he should have remembered who is a lot more Obama than he’s like Romney. His name is Suge Knight and he doesn’t look like Romney at all.

Marion Knight is a big, angry, black man and the co-founder of Snoop’s first record label, Death Row Records. He’s the guy, who “allegedly” held a competitor off a twenty story balcony by his ankles to get him to sign over the rights to his intellectual property; he’s the guy who turned Vanilla Ice into Yellow Snow. Word has it that Snoop hated Suge and it turns out that he thought Mr. Knight was taking too big of a taste.

Well, asking Calvin to pay his “fair share” of his royalties didn’t sit well and Snoop Doggy went all “tea-party” on old Suge and stopped recording any new music until his time-restricted contract expired. He did make one exception during that period, when he recorded that old standard – “FU** DEATH ROW.”

Snoop, I’m not going to drop the “hempocrisy” card here but it seems to me that Suge just wanted to “spread the wealth around;” after all, “there comes a point when you’ve made enough money” and when it comes to your career – “you didn’t build that on your own.”

Harsh as he was on Romney, The Doggfather’s respect of the current President is readily seen in point after point. As a matter of fact, reading down the list of assets, it’s in his esteem for Barack Obama that Snoop Lion really begins to roar, “That n**** look like he can fight.” Really Snoop? Have you seen him bowl? Have you seen him throw out the first pitch at a baseball game? Doggy, I know that you smoke the good stuff, but I didn’t know it was to relieve your glaucoma – this guy is more Steve Urkel than he is Apollo Creed. Forget his personal shortcomings, how about that Foreign policy? How does bowing, apologizing and groveling to enemies go over in the hood? Does it garner you any respect? Come on man, you aren’t going at The Bloods with the tan Alfred E. Neumann walking point.

I do respect how Snoop pulled his punches with his next reason for voting Obama – “He smokes Newports.” Come on Snoop; let the hair down, brah. We all know that deep down you wish that you were in the choom gang, passing around a fatty with Barry, sharing your favorite line from RULES FOR RADICALS. Heck, Romney doesn’t even drink, how can you relate to a Mormon with no hoe’s and no broth? I suppose we should be relieved that Vladimir doesn’t drink “GIN AND JUICE” or Snoop would be pimpin’ for Putin.

The one place that Snoop and I are in complete agreement – “Michelle got a fat a**”, but I’m sure that Dogg means it in a Sir Mix-A-Lot way. I’m not sure that qualifies her husband for 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue; but if it does, Kanye West has a much better résumé. I mean it, in the Rosie O’Donnell way – only worse, because Rosie doesn’t try to tell the rest of the country how to eat, nor threaten companies with sanctions or go full-frontal Grinch on the School Lunch menu. Are we really supposed to believe that she can pack that kind of baggage away in the stern, just from eating from the White House vegetable garden?

Another point of agreement between Snoop and I is “The bro’s got a jumper.” And that’s the problem. Do you know what Franklin D. Roosevelt and Winston Churchill didn’t have? – A Jumper. In the midst of The Great Recession, fighting a war in Afghanistan that has cost 2/3rds more in blood and treasure in 1/3rd of the time of his predecessor, Captain Wannabe is shooting jumpers. The Arab Spring is shaping up to be a Nuclear Winter and the President is golfing more than Tiger Woods. He should be buried in a situation room, a war room; heck I’d even settle for an elementary school classroom reading My Pet Goat; but when he’s not teeing off on Republicans, capitalism, and American Exceptionalism, he’s teeing off.

The truth is that President Obama thinks that Israel is a hoe. That’s right; the apple of God’s eye – like a hoe who ain’t turning out enough, so she’s got to be slapped around until she gets it right.

Forget the birth certificate – I’m no “birther” but I am a “raiser” and a “praiser”. Barack Obama is a Marxist – he’s been raised by Marxists, continually praised by Marxists, hung out with Marxists in college, appointed Marxists as czars and he’s been endorsed by Hugo Chavez and the CPUSA … twice.

Hey Snoop Fraud, if you were born in Cuba you wouldn’t be rolling fatty’s with Dr. Dre – you’d be rolling cigars for scraps of food and a one room apartment that you share with your posse. Yeah, and put the iPhone down, tell L’il Kim you’ll call her back, because If you grew up in China, your baked, bad self would be in an assembly line making iPhones at Foxconn.

Finally, it appears that Snoop is impressed that the President is both “BFFs with Jay-Z” and “He’s hugged Beyoncé before he sniffed her neck.” Well, the “BFF” thing is for thirteen year old girls fawning over Justin Bieber posters but I think there’s something deep in Snoop’s comment about Jay-Z’s wife, Beyoncé. See, what kind of a BFF would make a move on your wife? I guess in da hood where Snoop grew up, it’s just fine to be down with O.P.P. – “other people’s … property.” And that’s about the most honest thing that Snoop has implied about Obama: Re-elect Barack Obama – He’s down with O.P.P.

Image courtesy of: www.flickr.com/photos/janet_dancer/169414350/;Janet Spinas Dancer; Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license.

About the author: John Kirkwood

John Kirkwood

John Kirkwood is a son of Issachar. He is a Zionist, gun-toting, cigar-smoking, incandescent light bulb-using, 3.2 gallon flushing, fur-wearing, Chinese (MSG) eating, bow-hunting, SUV driving, unhyphenated American man who loves his wife, isn't ashamed of his country and does not apologize for his Christianity. He Pastors Grace Gospel Fellowship Bensenville, where "we the people" seek to honor "In God we Trust." He hosts the Christian wake up call IN THE ARENA every Sunday at noon on AM 1160 and he co-hosts UnCommon Sense, the Christian Worldview with a double shot of espresso on UncommonShow.com. He is the proud homeschooling dad of Konnor, Karter and Payton and the "blessed from heaven above" husband of the Righteous and Rowdy Wendymae.

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