This column is a satire.
Monday, October 22nd, 2012
(LORAIN, OH) —Some are calling it his worst of gaffes, even “Gaffemageddon,” but there is no doubt this may be the last offhanded quip from Vice President Joe Biden. Indeed, what many stunned White House officials are simply calling “the gaffe to end all gaffes” may be the gaffe to end all of Biden’s job as Veep.
Speaking to an enormous crowd of 16 at Ohio’s Lorain High School, Monday, Vice President Biden shocked rally attendee(s) by announcing his endorsement of none other than Republican opponent Mitt Romney and his VP running mate, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI).
According to reporters and witnesses, Biden began his (supposedly usual) stump speech by speaking of the hardships the country has had to endure the last several years, mentioning issues such as national debt, annual deficits, high gas prices, stubborn unemployment figures, and schizoid foreign policies which appear to be leaving the Middle East in radical tatters.
“I don’t know about all of you,” declared a rarely clear-eyed Biden to the audience of 16 (as in the one member of the audience, who happened to be 16-years-old, Lorain High School junior Susan Bernard) Monday, “but the middle class has been buried during the last four years, and I’m damned tired of it! It’s time we move forward! It’s time we move towards hope, towards change, towards a brighter, prosperous future. And that is why, today, I announce my endorsement for President of the United States: former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney! Let’s hear it for him! Yeaaaah..!”
Needless to say, Biden’s open endorsement of his boss’s rival left his audience a bit surprised, with one bemused rally attendee beginning to clap behind him, then pausing in realization, “Wait, oh (expletive)!”
“This was nothing but ol’ Joe being ‘Old Lunch Bucket Joe,’ you know? Uhh, heh-heh…” replied a visibly vexed Stephanie Cutter, President Obama’s senior campaign manager, upon learning of the Vice President’s endorsement Monday afternoon. “It’s been a long, hard campaign, full of sleepless nights, lots of traveling…no doubt the Vice President was tired, a little confused, and simply ‘mixed his nouns up’ and mistakenly endorsed Mr. Romney instead of supporting his president.”
Contrary to Cutter’s excuse(s) for the VP’s “blunder,” Biden made it very clear in Ohio that his endorsement was neither a joke nor gaffe, continuing Monday, “I’ve known Mitt for fifteen years, and his dad before him. George was a good guy, and his son is, too. He’s a humble, pragmatic thinker, a careful problem solver, an innovator, and passionate about creating wealth for people, not spreading it, like another certain character in the White House right now I’d care not to mention.”
There has been no official word yet from the Vice President’s office on why Biden turned against his own running-mate and Commander-In-Chief, Barack Obama, and in such a dramatic fashion; one that will no doubt damage Obama’s credibility and already questionable chances for reelection. Unsurprisingly, Washington D.C. has been set ablaze with rumors as to why Biden would endorse his and his boss’s opponent; however Republican National Committee Chair Reince Priebus told reporters Monday evening that Biden’s endorsement of Romney was a sign of a certain Obama defeat in November, and that the Vice President is positioning himself for a possible cabinet position in a Romney administration.
Romney himself echoed Priebus’ assessment upon hearing he had received Joe Biden’s endorsement. As he prepared for his final debate with President Obama Monday evening at Florida’s Lynn University, Mitt Romney spoke to reporters about the possibility of a top position for Biden if he wins November’s election.
“Honestly, I don’t know how to react to this (Biden’s endorsement), ” Romney said to reporters outside his debate prep-room Monday. “I do know I need a new pair of magic underwear. So as you can guess, I find this endorsement surprising.”
“…And, uhh, of course Joe Biden will have a job in my administration,” a perplexed Romney added. “With all of (Biden’s) experience on Capitol Hill and foreign policy, it’d be foolish not to give him a position in my administration.”
“After all,” added Romney, “that’s quite a large, beautiful garden Mrs. Obama has made in back of the White House. Somebody’s going to have to take care of it.”
This column is a satire.