The Following is Satire:
by Ibrahim al-Lincoln, official Muslim Civil War re-enactor,
Thursday, December 6, 2012,
(WASHINGTON) —Old Saint Nick better think twice about downing the cookies and milk this Christmas. If not, the Obama administration may just have him banned (beating New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg to the punch, undoubtedly).
Well, perhaps not “banned,” literally. However it has become obvious where First Lady Michelle Obama stands on Ol’ Kris Kringle.
Speaking to reporters shortly before the White House’s annual Christmas Tree Lighting Thursday evening, Mrs. Obama declared Santa Claus one of the “chief promoters of diabetes and heart disease” in the United States, if not the world, saying the gift-givers’ obesity gives a “green light” for children to eat fattening foods like cookies, candy, and whole milk to their hearts’ content (and content).
“It’s time we ask ourselves: how many people would be alive today had they not believed in Santa Claus as children?” First Lady told reporters and attending school children on the White House’s Ellipse. “How healthy would Americans be today had they not accepted the example Santa has set for generations: that being overweight equals being jolly? … Really, how many people has Santa Claus killed?”
Obama added, “Santa Claus is a killer, no doubt. His example of ‘fat jolliness’ has helped lead millions to early deaths. It’s time we did away with his harmful example.”
National health organizations such as the America Heart Association and America Diabetes Association agree with Mrs. Obama, seconding her message that Claus’ weight is a top reason Americans have grown so comfortable growing over the years. “Mrs. Obama is right, Santa Claus is a deadly menace to us all, especially children,” said AHA President Gordon F. Tomaselli, PhD. “There is no ‘jolliness’ in being overweight, particularly when you’re eternally elderly, like Santa Claus. Let the children of today think about that … because imagining you’re old and fat is so easy for children ten years old and younger.”
Ordinary Americans are reacting to Mrs. Obama’s denouncing of Santa’s weight as well. Millions of e-mails have already flooded the White House (according to the White House), agreeing with Michelle Obama’s condemnation of Santa. Albany, New York resident Megan Neidsum said she is one of thousands of parents across America who does not want her children believing in Santa due to the negative perception his weight and Ho-Ho-Ho attitude promote.
Nonetheless, says Neidsum, other classmates of “less concerned or enlightened guardians” still coerced her children to at least admire the 310-pound Claus; an attitude just as treacherous as actually believing Old St. Nick is real, according to the 39-year-old yoga pioneer and owner of All Bean-ee Yoga, the first yoga studio in Albany to make its attendees eat a bowl of beans before each yoga class.
Said Neidsum to Duh Progressive, Thursday, “I tried my best, but my kids’ classmates still told them about Santa. We wanted Presley and Dawson not to believe in (Santa) precisely because of his weight. Now, if Santa was like a Ryan Gosling-looking Santa, then that’d be another thing — I’d still believe in him! He could visit me all he’d like in that case!”
Television celebrities are also condemning the “deadly example” Mrs. Obama says Santa Claus has been setting throughout generations. The Learning Channel’s astute June Shannon, mother of the network’s “Honey Boo Boo” (from its show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, to be seen … never) has also spoke out against Santa Claus, decrying his weight as the reason she and her daughter are the total messes they are. Said a saddened Shannon, Thursday, “Like, my daughter an’ me lovzus some San’a Claus-n-all, but Amafraid her heart jus’ plodin’ up like a han’ grenade from all that fat food his weight an’ big ol’ red suit makes her wanna eat.”
For parents like Shannon and millions of others, First Lady Michelle Obama’s quest for them not to teach their children to believe in Santa due to his obesity is sound advice, even if it has come too late to prevent their kids from being unsightly obnoxious slobs. Added Mrs. Obama, Thursday, “Parents, if you must have your children believe in Santa — which you shouldn’t, if you can help it — please have them ‘help’ Santa this year by leaving out an apple or celery for him to eat, not milk and cookies.”
Sobbed a distraught June Shannon, cradling her daughter as she recovered from a routine bout of Iuvenis Narcissimus Futilitas, “Da*n ol’ Santa Claus, keep thinkin’ he git away wit doin’ dis to our kids, keep leadin’ dem to diabese-n-all. Jus’ ain’t right, y’know? Santa be’s asbescain’ an’ trickin’ and akndndha, abudua a duh buh dee dbe my Honey Boo Boo aspghspha gaba yabba-dabba-do!”
NOTE: And to just think if Honey Boo Boo and her mother just had a bit more melanin in their skin, we’d be called racists for criticizing them. Da*n you, Santa Claus!
The Preceding is Satire: