The following is Satire
Weeks ago Duh Progressive ran an article about First Lady Michelle Obama accusing Santa Claus of being one of the main reasons for why so many Americans have diabetes and heart disease today. The article, “Santabetes: Michelle Obama Says Santa Claus Promotes Diabetes”, was met with shock and disdain among many of our readers, who chastised Mrs. Obama for her criticism of Santa.
Well, my friends, this commentator, this cutting-edge reporter, Yours Truly, Nick Taxia, proudly agrees with the First Lady, and then some.
Santa Claus, a symbol of good will, brotherly love, the season of Christ’s birth and lover of children is coming into our homes yet again. Yippie! But in keeping with contemporary liberal tradition of searching for distasteful and politically incorrect aspects of various traditional, cultural icons, I am taking a courageous step today: I am agreeing with Michelle Obama. Not only am I agreeing with Obama, but I am accusing Santa Claus of being one of the most misunderstood, oppressive madmen of all time.
What’s most disgraceful is how so few people have ever been able to remove their blinders and see the truth about Santa, a ferocious monster neatly shrouded in centuries of misguided folklore and childish enthusiasm.
Example 1: Santa’s elves are portrayed as adorable, gung-ho “helpers,” with every ounce of their bodies shaking with naïve joy as they prepare the yearly load of presents … O, what sad, trite, dogmatic notions our society has spoon-fed our children about these “elves.” The horrible truth is that these poor beings aren’t “elves,” but helpless midgets held in captivity by the gleeful ol’ Santa.
The midgets are not paid. They’re forced to dress in humiliating garb and work virtually non-stop all year. The North Pole has no laws regarding the formation of labor unions, and every time a beleaguered, abused, exploited midget worker has arisen to collectively improve their slavish labor conditions, he or she has simply disappeared, no doubt buried somewhere deep in the North Pole’s unforgiving tundra. And it wouldn’t surprise me at all if these degraded dwarfs/midgets were actually child laborers from Indonesia or Bangladesh.
Example 2: For these poor midgets, escape is impossible due to the fierce Arctic climate. But this harsh weather doesn’t affect Santa. A steady diet of cookies, cake, and pie keeps the jolly-ol’ midget exploiter well insulated. What kind of message is Santa’s girth sending our children? Michelle Obama is right! It’s time Santa’s promotion of heart-clogging diets stop, and he be held accountable.
Example 3: But influencing what people eat is nothing compared to what they inhale. So I must point out that Santa is often seen smoking a pipe. Tobacco, one of our society’s greatest scourges to be hypnotically persecuted, is huffed and puffed by Santa without one thought to the example he’s sending our youth. I find this terribly offensive. Not a Christmas goes by that I don’t think about Santa stuffing globs of that evil “white man’s weed” in his pipe and expelling its deadly influence to our children. There’s no telling how many kids have been permanently poisoned by Santa’s smoking.
Example 4: Santa’s treatment of animals is abominable. Imagine being forced to lug millions of gifts through the sky with only eight others to help — that’s what Santa’s reindeer go through every Christmas! We view it as cute and quaint, but the work Santa FORCES upon these poor creatures is beyond cruel. All the while Santa is depicted laughing and flashing his demented grin as these helpless animals desperately struggle to keep his fat, fatty-food-gobbling, tobacco-smoking, midget-exploiting butt afloat! Yet are these famed reindeer allowed to form their own union to help combat their hideous workplace demands by this deadly, red-garbed fiend? NO!
Better yet, do any animal rights activists throw fits over Santa’s blatant disregard for the physical and emotional health of his “pet helpers?” Never! Where’s PETA when we need them, huh? Where’s the ASPCA? Nowhere!
Example 5: Never have I seen such passive-aggressive oppression of women as Santa Claus shows. Each year Santa takes to the air, leaving his wife in the Arctic as he showers the globe with presents. Mrs. Claus is thus kept in the restrained state of humble, benign housewife, never daring to get a true job or help Santa’s deliveries. She just stays home, baking cookies through hollow smiles of subliminally tortured bliss, fulfilling her gender’s “historical role,” according to The Claus. Indeed, she’s so repressed she probably can’t even spell “feminism.”
Example 6: Who else runs around screaming “Ho Ho Ho!” everywhere? But we’re so programmed to love Santa that we take these cries as just some corny form of laughter, an icon’s trademark, rather than the raging insults and sexist vulgarity they really are! Santa’s “hoes” are also indicative of an obsession with prostitutes (a common fetish among misogynists).
But the worst of Santa’s brutality rests in his complete intolerance of non-Christians. If Santa is so “caring” and loves children so much, he would shower gifts upon all the world’s kids. But every Christmas morning Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, and Hindu kids ask their parents why Santa ignored them, and I imagine the usual excuse is some lame line about how every religion has their own version of Santa, and how he loves them too, just in different ways, and blah-blah-blah-blah…. What these parents should really say is: “Look, kid, Santa didn’t visit you because he hates you! And that’s because you don’t fit into Santa’s perverted, hateful, intolerant, FASCIST view of the world! Got it?!”
Dear readers, this Christmas, don’t allow your children to imagine Santa the way society has tricked them into imagining him. Think of his abuse of animals, of his peddling fatty foods, his tobacco use, his exploitation of under-aged, Third World midgets, his religious intolerance, bigotry, his oppressed wife, his hatred of women, and his Ho’s, and finally see the truth!
The preceding is Satire