Bob Dylan Lays Off 2,000 Workers From Songwriting Factory

Seeking to revitalize his musical operations following years of declining revenue and mounting production costs, musician Bob Dylan laid off 2,000 workers from his flagship songwriting factory in Muscatine, IA this week, sources confirmed.

According to representatives of Dylan’s Watchtower Consolidated Song Manufacturing, which owns and operates over a dozen chord assembly, rhythm works, and lyric forging plants throughout the nation’s heartland, the headcount reduction comes as the iconic recording artist seeks to streamline operations in order to better compete in the modern songwriting landscape.

“In light of our dwindling market share, we were left with no choice but to idle a number of our instrumentation mills and consolidate several shifts on our verse and chorus production lines,” said Watchtower spokesperson Mark Valentine, confirming that the majority of workforce cuts were made in the vocals and timbre divisions, which he claimed had been unprofitable for decades. “The fact is, we’ve been hemorrhaging money since the early-’90s World Gone Wrong release. These layoffs are imperative if we are to continue building the top-notch musical products the Bob Dylan brand is known for.”

Read more: theonion.com

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