Note: The following is satire.
World News Bizarre – Jan. 28, 2013
By S.C. Sherman – Staff Writer
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Racing to undo the wrongs of the past, President Barack Obama signed the Unicorn Reparations Act, an executive order, on Friday just before midnight in the Oval Office, declaring that the pain and suffering for Unicorns worldwide will now come to an end.
White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, said, “Unicorns are a lost national treasure and under this administration they will enjoy the rights of every other animal on this planet.”
Carney continued that although it was not widely publicized, $18.9 billion of stimulus money has been allocated for this worthy project. He then reaffirmed to the crowd that this was not Pork or a Pet project but absolutely vital to saving America from certain disaster.
Carney continued amongst cheering and tears from a massive crowd of Unicorn supporters.
“I know this is hard to believe as the lies that Unicorns are make believe and fairy tale creatures have been pervasive in our society, mostly due to conservative talk radio hosts and the Tea Party. These lies have been widely accepted, but those days are over. This President will undo all of the wrongs done by our forefathers and set things right.”
Unicorns are scheduled to be released on a state by state basis beginning in April of 2013. States in support of the program must make a modest one time donation of $2 billion to the Support the Unicorn Foundation, a non-profit founded by Obama. These states will be granted “Friend of the Unicorn” status, a highly coveted accreditation. ‘”Friend of the Unicorn” states will be given 25 breeding pairs of Unicorns to be released to roam free on government properties and parks, thus creating 20 million new jobs instantly. It was not clear as to what would happen to states that were found to be “Unfriendly to the Unicorn”.
This is a huge victory for the Obama presidency. Most people think Unicorns are a joke, even a folly, but now they will become as common as a cow or a deer as we drive down American highways.
Carney said that the Unicorn will be federally protected by the newly formed Unicorn Protection Agency (UPA). This agency will report solely to the President to eliminate abuses of power and corruptness as the courts and congress can be archaically cumbersome. A new Unicorn Czar will be placed at the helm of this important work.
Federal protection for the Unicorn says that anyone purposefully or accidentally hurting a Unicorn or killing one will be summarily executed. Field agents of the UPA will be handling on site enforcement thus creating a new government entity without all the red tape of checks and balances.
Vice President Joe Biden said, “It’s time to be patriotic. It’s time to do our part for the Unicorn.”
These poor creatures have been hiding in myth and legend too long. President Obama is the only man brave enough to bring them out of hiding and give them a place in society.
President Obama said in a statement, “Let me be clear. I love Unicorns. Everyone, no matter how much money they make or what they look like, deserves to be able to see a Unicorn and thanks to me, now they will.”
The illusion that they are magical or wonderful must be debunked. People will come to understand that Unicorns are merely a horse with a horn. This massive new agency will assure that the Unicorn will be free of persecution and all “magical-ness”. They will be free to roam America, at least within the parks system which will need to be greatly expanded by confiscation of necessary lands.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D) said, “I love Unicorns and Obama. I love Obama on a Unicorn. I love Obama and Unicorns and clowns. I actually loved Unicorns way before Obama loved them. I had a sticker of a Unicorn on my folder when I was a little girl. See, I love them, more. I would vote for them, every time.”
Speaker of the House John Boehner (R) said, “Unicorns! Are you @#%ing kidding me? What’s next, Leprechauns to get free health care?”
In response, Obama spokesman, Carney said, “The comments of our Speaker beg the question, what do the Republicans and Boehner have against Leprechauns? No we are not kidding. Unicorns have been oppressed long enough. The world is in a catastrophic freefall into an economic abyss unlike anything since the great depression. People need a little hope. Americans will be inspired at the sight of free-range Unicorns. They will see a Unicorn and they will have hope, they may not have a job, but they will be so very hopeful and that is all that we really promised.”
Note: The preceding is satire.
Image: The Statue of the Unicorn; André Friederich, The Fountain of the Unicorn (1837), Main Street, Saverne, Bas-Rhin, France; author: Pradigue; Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported, 2.5 Generic, 2.0 Generic and 1.0 Generic license