Debate Over Gay Marriage Rages As Nuclear Missiles Fly Towards the U.S.

nuked_REVISED__USA___RRRRRRRRThe following is satire.

(From WIRES)
(ENTIRE UNITED STATES) —With just minutes remaining to seek adequate shelter before being obliterated by an incoming nuclear holocaust, the American people are choosing rather to remain above ground, hopelessly locked in the debate over gay marriage, according to sources moments ago.

About 30 minutes ago a barrage of nuclear missiles were launched from China, North Korea, Iran, and Russia at all major cities in the United States.  An estimated 200 million Americans stand to be incinerated within the next half-hour and millions more are expected to die from radiation sickness in coming weeks as they and the Supreme Court (granted any of the Justices survive) weigh the legality of California’s Proposition 8 and the issue of homosexual matrimony. 

With national annihilation only minutes away, President Obama broke into the nation’s airwaves moments ago and ordered all Americans to “find a mutually accommodating consensus on same-sex marriage as soon as possible and then seek (their) nearest fallout shelters or their nearest Unitarian chapel.” 

“How can we hide from nuclear destruction when we can’t even hide from our own prejudices?” said U.S. General Gene Renuart, Commander of the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD).  Renuart would usually be frantically ordering anti-missile-defense actions and an all-out counter strike on the nations which launched the incoming missiles.  However the NORDAD Commander shrugged off inclinations of defending America against a reported 150 nuclear missiles currently inbound, deciding rather to continue the on-going debate over same-sex marriage with Air Force colleagues and friends.

“To hell with nuclear war and genocide — marry us now!” said Lauren Baxter, a lesbian activist in St. Louis, MO.  Baxter, 45, has been struggling for legal recognition of her union with her 10-year lover, Bernadette, since 2004, and refuses to budge towards any shelter before her union can be accepted by her fellow Americans. 

Said Baxter to scrambling reporters, “I left my husband and three kids years ago to find my true self.  Court after court has rejected by marriage to Bernadette. And now we’re supposed to forget how much we’ve struggled because of some stinking nuclear war?!  Forget it! I’m not having it!” 

Nuclear War Sirens Annoy Americans Trapped in Gay Marriage Debate
With emergency alarms blaring throughout the United States and all airwaves clogged with instructions on how to avoid mass incineration, Americans have only expressed annoyance at either the inability to effectively discuss gay marriage through the screaming sirens and to call talk radio shows with their input on the gay marriage issue. 

“Yeah, yeah … nuclear missiles, apocalypse, mass destruction, the fiery death of me and my children …you know, like, whatever,” said unimpressed New Yorker Eileen Burnhardt as she debated with a friend about whether homosexuals should be granted civil unions instead of all-out legal marriage status.  New York State legalized same-sex marriage in 2011, a move that has left many New Yorkers able to face the any-moment-apocalypse with relief and good conscience. 

About the author: Nick Taxia

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site, DuhProgressive.com, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.

View all articles by Nick Taxia

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