The following is satire.
Tuesday, August 6th, 2013
(MADISON, WI) —Long criticized for his lengthy retorts and grandiose speeches, President Obama’s garrulousness has finally taken its ultimate — and deadly — toll.
During a speech in front of roughly 1,000 people at the University of Wisconsin’s Young Auditorium, Monday, a woman sitting in the front row behind President Obama suffered a fatal heart attack, but remained “seated” throughout Obama’s seemingly endless speech, which lasted so long that the woman, identified as 58-year-old Deborah Langston, of Fitchburg, passed through the entire decomposing process, ending up as a mere skeleton by the time Obama finished his address.
Fellow audience members surrounding Langston appeared uncomfortable and distressed by her demise, but never wavered from their courteous attention to the President, even as Langston turned blue, bloated, then omitted a noticeably decaying, rotting flesh odor, then completely shriveled into a mummified/skeletal state.
Some of Langston’s surviving family members had told her not to attend Obama’s speech Monday, warning of the President’s notoriously lengthy, Fidel Castro–esque ramblings, but sadly to no avail.
“Mom had been an Obama supporter for years and always wanted to see him speak in-person,” sobbed Langston’s son, Robert, 32, to reporters, Monday morning. “We all voted for (Obama), but still, the man rambles on and on and on so much….I warned mom: ‘Please, don’t go see Obama speak! At your age and condition I don’t know if you can make it through it.’ And now it’s come to this! …”
Langston had suffered from congenital heart disease according to family and friends, and even had reportedly been warned by her cardiologist to attend any event but an Obama speech, nor listen to one of Obama’s speeches in their entirety, for fear of not lasting through them, literally. Nevertheless, Langston seemingly could not resist the urge to finally see and hear her beloved President in-person, and paid for that privilege with her life, Monday.
According to Brian Simmons, the man sitting to the right of Langston during her death/Obama’s speech, “I heard (Langston) let out a brief cry, but I thought it was part of her applause. Then she just slumped back and turned blue. I knew she was in trouble, but I didn’t get up to help. I didn’t want to disrupt the President’s speech, you know? It was important. Obama was saying, uhh …well, okay, I don’t know what he was saying at all, as usual, but I didn’t want to interrupt him or cause a disturbance. That would’ve just been disrespectful, you know?”
Thus, Langston remained dead and decomposing, causing a stench throughout the university’s Young Auditorium noticeable to virtually everyone near her except Obama himself, as he spoke on … and on.
“…You know, we can’t afford to have nations like China and Brazil and India take away jobs that were once mostly American jobs,” said the President as Mrs. Langston’s blood vessels busted open and oozed out of her eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and grayish puss began exuding from her putrid flesh. “…We must increase our manufacturing capabilities to complete on a global stage. But members of Congress, particularly those in the House, mainly Republicans, won’t allow us to go that route. They’d rather sit back and let us….blah blah blah blah blah … And Blah…”
“I knew there was a ‘disturbance’ in the front row,” said fellow speech attendee Kelly Wilkinson, 47, who was seated five rows behind the deceased and decaying Langston. “Some of us commented: ‘My God, did someone just die in here during Obama’s speech?’ But no one wanted to get up to (investigate). We didn’t want to cause a disturbance or interrupt the President as he talked about the importance of, uhh…hell, I can’t remember.”
Around the country people are reacting not to the fact that a person died while listening to one of Obama’s speeches (that’s nearly a daily occurrence), but that the President spoke at such length that Langston completely decomposed, remaining seated as a skeleton by time Obama was finished.
Commented Fox News contributor Brit Hume to reporters, Monday, “It’s understandable that one of Obama’s speeches lasted so long that a person dies during it. But to last so long that the dead person thoroughly decomposes into a skeleton!? That’s a new low for the President. That’s crossing a new line! It’s really not going to help his (approval) ratings, really.”
Coroners finally retrieved Langston’s remains after the President finished speaking and he and the audience left.
Deborah Langston is survived by three children, four grandchildren, and her dog, “Barry,” a four-year old poodle she named after the president she so supported and loved (to death). She is being remembered as a loving mother, veteran middle school teacher of 33 years, and lover all things vitriolic and/or vapid and agonizingly endless.
Funeral services for Mrs. Langston will be held at St. Bartholomew’s Catholic Church on 1202 Lacy Road, Fitchburg, Wisconsin, 53119, at 3:00 PM, MST, Thursday. A widow since 2012, Langston will be buried alongside her late husband, Herman, who took his own life while attempting to endure all of President Obama’s second electoral victory speech last November. All donations to the Langston family can be sent to the Internal Revenue Service, at 1111 Constitution Avenue, NW, Washington D.C., 20004.
The preceding is satire.