SHOCK:  Study Finds Increasing Number of Obese People Lacking Heads!

(From WIRES)

(HARVARD, MA) — Ever notice how television and print articles on the nation’s obesity epidemic always show overweight people from the neck or shoulders down? Well, that may not be a coincidence or due to a sense of photographic courtesy on behalf of news outlets, according to a recent Harvard University study.

After a 14-month study, stemming from news reports depicting America’s overweight population walking the streets or sitting in parks seemingly “pictured” from the shoulders–down, a research team from Harvard’s Department of Nutritional Studies has found that not only is the United States suffering an obesity epidemic, but one in which obese people are increasingly lacking heads!

Indeed, human heads, those usually useless 10-pound chunks of bone and flesh that adorn one’s shoulders and account for nearly 90-percent of a person’s sensory intake, are increasingly disappearing as people get fatter, according to Harvard’s lead researcher, Professor Matthew Gillman.

Since last spring Gillman and his research team have been reviewing hundreds of hours of media footage and newspaper photos of America’s overweight population, and have arrived to a startling and disturbing conclusion.
“We’re not just looking at an obesity epidemic throughout (America),” said a grave–faced Gillman to reporters, Wednesday. “What we’re seeing through our thorough review of news archives is an epidemic of headless obese people, the likes of which has never seen before!”

“It defies all scientific and medical logic,” continued Gillman, “but overweight people are becoming headless at alarming rates. It’s uncanny and unprecedented in the annals of human existence. From what we’ve observed, every fat person photographed over the last ten years seems more and more to be without a head … In all honesty, our society may be facing a ‘headless obesity’ epidemic the likes the world has never experienced!”

Nick Taxia

About the author, Nick Taxia: Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site, DuhProgressive.com, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian. View all articles by Nick Taxia

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