9/11 Anniversary Attacks? White House Preparing for ‘Mother of All Non-Responses’

The Following is Satire

(WASHINGTON) —Terrorists around the world beware…!  If you’re thinking you can get away with another 9/11 anniversary attack like the one that killed U.S. Ambassador Christopher Stevens and three other Americans in Benghazi last year … well, keep right on thinking that.

The Obama Administration is not only keeping up the same vigilance it did last year in protecting American officials abroad on September 11th, but is even ramping up its vigilance, promising anyone who is planning on harming U.S. officials “the mother of all non-responses.”   The clear and foreboding message from the White House came two days before the 12th anniversary of terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, and one year since the “anniversary” attack against the American Consulate in Benghazi, Libya.

Similar warnings of non-intervention were issued by the Pentagon and State Departments as well, with the State Department warning any would-be 9/11 anniversary “thrill seekers” that it will not only “respond as swiftly and decisively” as it did last year during the Benghazi attacks, but it will indeed “even think about possibly mobilizing military personnel to intervene,” but finally added, “…Ehh, nah… Maybe not. We’re not sure yet.”

From the White House briefing room, Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters Monday the administration is prepared to launch a rescue and counter-assault that would “dwarf” the fierceness of the one launched last year during the hours-long assault on Ambassador Stevens and other U.S. personnel in Libya.

“Make no mistake, we are serious and we’ve prepared all our embassies and outposts in all countries, hostile or friendly, for our complete lack of response in case they are attacked this year,” Carey said, Monday.   “We have made sure our military personnel are armed to the teeth and ready to respond to any incident, like in Benghazi last year. But of course we won’t call on them for anything in case something happens.”

Continued Carney to a seeming team of White House reporters, “

…To terrorists out there who may be aiming at attacking any American facility: we are ready and we are prepared … to ignore your attacks at a moment’s notice! Just be prepared for that … Again, make no mistake, if any incidents occur, the administration is prepared for the “Mother of All Non-Responses”! We’re making this clear! …We’ve meticulously drawn up plans on how not to respond; on how to listen to our diplomats’ cries and screams for help in their gut-wrenching hours and minutes before their deaths at the hands of terrorists, and we want them to know that we are there for them. Not literally ‘there’ for them, which we won’t be, but at least there for them in spirit … That should count as enough, don’t you think?

“Shwooo…!” said the U.S. Ambassador to Saudi Arabia, James B. Smith, Monday, in response to the White House’s declaration of non-response to any possible terrorist attacks against U.S. officials on the anniversary of 9/11. From this 100-foot-fortified bunker in Riyadh, Ambassador Smith echoed the White House’s proposed pans of “Mother of All Non-Responses,” stating in a press issue:

I stand firm with the (administration) on their stance of the ‘Mother of Non-Responses’. After all, what message would it send to Arabia and Islamic jihadists that an American diplomatic outpost was to actually withstand any onslaught against it?   We are over here to “enlighten” and help the Middle East. So if me and my staffs’ deaths come at the hands of Islamic terrorists this Wednesday (9/11), then what better message to send than to allow us to be slaughtered in the line of helping to prove to the Islamic East that we mean no harm?

Added Smith, “Oh, and while we’re discussing peace and harmony, could, uhh, someone … any U.S. or friendly country, please … get us the (expletive) outta here – A.S.A.P! I’m crapping my pants right now, really!”

The White House stated late Monday that it has assured Ambassador Smith and all other ambassadors and U.S. officials abroad that the “crapping of their pants” in the Middle East or anywhere else will not be made in vain, and that the administration will pray for them, and their pants dearly … as it does nothing.

Meanwhile, on to Syria…………………

The Preceding is Satire

About the author: Nick Taxia

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site, DuhProgressive.com, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.

View all articles by Nick Taxia

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