The following message has been approved by the Ministry of Truth and is intended to be widely disseminated among the plebs. It is your duty to spread the word.
Earlier this week the Honorable Reid, Esteemed Leader of the Senatorial Rights Dispensation Committee, confirmed the worst. The Omnipresent State’s most recent efforts to further our progress toward a more equal and fair society has met resistance.
A small, whacko-bird group of fanatics managed to infiltrate the S.R.D.C. and speak heresy against the State. The anarchists were armed only with centuries-old documents but did not hesitate in taking hostages. The documents contain outdated and idealistic rhetoric concerning the limitations of government. We have ascended beyond these petty boundaries set by an unruly mob some 200 years ago. Rest assured we will not succumb to the terrorists demands set forth today. We cannot let the actions of a few stop our progress.
Unfortunately we are forced to concede the actions of this insignificant group may cause some delays and inconveniences. Several extremely vital services and essential programs have been temporarily suspended. The Panda Cam at the National Zoo is but one of many victims. All wild horse and burro adoption services will also come to a halt. Our Exalted Leader will only have fifteen staff on hand to care for his home, as opposed to the normal ninety. More blood is on their hands with the shameless slashing of personnel dedicated to “advising the government on matters pertaining to the arts.”
If you are suffering from Work Displacement Syndrome please report to your local Pleb Placement Service Institute. If you happen to be just plain lazy, please report to the Nanny Assistance Department. While we understand and applaud the fact that work in the private sector is currently scarce, you may be eligible for up to two years paid leave. However, if the obstacles placed before us by this tiny group of rebels are soon removed you are free to return to your overpaid, vitally important yet non-essential job. You will be paid for your time off , regardless of the outcome.
Now, more than ever, is the time to join with our Dear Leader. The Chosen One remains undaunted in his glorious mission to render each of us as equals to our global brethren. Our great and wonderful savior has not lost his laser like focus on equality and fairness for the downtrodden, the forgotten, the sick, the poor and those generally unwilling to put forth the effort to provide for themselves.
Today we face a new enemy. The task before us will not be easy but we will persevere. We will continue to lay down the guidelines for the masses to blindly follow like sheep into the abyss. All the while we must continue striving for perfection and relentless pursuit of our utopian dream. Unlike the Founders who believed all men were created equal, yet left them unrestrained in their pursuit of happiness, The Gracious One continues to work tirelessly in his efforts to crush those who do not wish to remain as equal as his lessers.
Through fiat and executive order he shall make life miserable for those who oppose him. With regulatory burdens so massive he will ensure that few dare venture into the perverse practice of entrepreneurial endeavors and free market systems. He shall grind the middle class into a submissive heap of government dependent drones. Everyone shall be equal.
In a bold move not seen since some old white guy crossed the Delaware on that freezing Holidaymas Eve, Dear Leader moved in Don Quixote like fashion and quickly dispatched armed security and barricades to several vital locations across the State. These locations were said to be overrun by groups of anarchistic sympathizers. A disproportionate number of the raiders were from the Geriatric Clan wielding the formidable C.A.N.E. with others piloting the devastating Personal Personnel Carrier into the fray. No one knows or remembers for sure where this group of individuals received their training or tools. What is painfully obvious; they have ignored the Prime Directive of the State to take their pill.
Just a little over a year ago Benghazi burned. United States Ambassador Chris Stevens was raped, cattle prodded, and burned by the Religion of Peace before being killed. Three other Americans, Sean Smith, Glen Doherty, and Tyrone Woods were also killed. Obama slept.
Never mind Benghazi, what difference does that make? The optics would be horrible right before an election. By simply ignoring the pleas for help our government brushed this horrible act under a rug; as simple as hanging up the phone or shutting a door. After all, we cannot see Benghazi from our house. If a rescue attempt was unsuccessful, it would be on display for the entire world to see. The man who is always focused like a laser – on something –, the hardest golfer to ever inhabit the White House, had to get some rest before hitting the campaign trail. Priorities.
This government “shutdown” has shed more light, as if any were needed, on just how deep this petulant streak runs in our man-child-in-chief. We have officially provided more security for the World War II memorial located on the Mall in Washington, than our consulate in Benghazi that was under attack by an enemy sworn to wipe all infidels and the Great Satan from the face of the earth.
Sure, the WWII memorial rests on Federal land but is operated by privately funded Claude Moore Colonial Farm. The managing director for CMCF, Anna Eberly, said “We…are fully staffed and prepared to open today,” adding that “I have never worked with a more arrogant, arbitrary and vindictive group” in reference to National Park Service.
There can be no question where this man’s priorities lie and it ain’t America. The Sower of Discord strives for discontent and unrest among the people he is sworn to protect and serve.
Patriots, stand strong.
“But as it is, we have the wolf by the ear, and we can neither hold him, nor safely let him go. Justice is in one scale, and self-preservation in the other.” – The Works of Thomas Jefferson, Volume 12. New York: G.P. Putnam’s Sons, 1905, p. 159
Image: Source: World War II Memorial, Washington DC; ploaded by russavia; author: yeowatzup from Katlenburg-Lindau, Germany; Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license