‘‘I Thought Obamacare Would Make Sure No One Would Ever Die!’’

[Editor: Typos and grammatical errors included below as in original]

by Flower McMillan

Dear President Obama,

Mr. President, like, dude, my granddad died on Sunday! That’s right. When my aunt finally pulled him out of his tomato soup he wasn’t breathing and was dead.   And I blame you, President Obama.

All my friends told me your healthcare law will cure people of everything. That means everything, Mr. President. But my granddad still died 6 days after your healthcare bill went into effect. What’s up with that, Obama? I thought your healthcare law would make sure no one would die again. My grandpa’s been dead for like 4 days!

I voted for you four times, sir. My whole family like voted for you did. An speeking for myself, I can’t recall a time when I was ever more disgusted by you  .

Like, seriously man, I thought that once your healthcare bill took effect nobody would get sick again, and those who were sick would not be sick any more.   That meant my granddad, who had been suffering from a complications from a hip replacement, and general dementia.   He was old, I’ll give you that. He was like 80 or something.   But when he finally keeled over and sank into his bowl of tomato soup in the kitchen on Suday, all my hopes for what yoru Obamacare was supposed to do were dashed away, scattered to the winds! Your healthcare law didn’t do damn thing on preventing my granddad from dying, did it, SIR?   No, grandpa’s dead!   He’s dead!    He died.   And he’s still dead.   Your “Obamacare” didn’t even bring him back to life, man!

     My question to you, Mr. President, is this: What the (deleted by staff)? You said if your healthcare was passed no one would die. That’s what I heard on Steven Colbert a while ago and what my co-workers at the coffee shop told me.   I’m working to keep myself afloat during my bachelors in Sociology, a subject I love but one that doesn’t provide the best or most stable of jobs after college. This means I’ll surely have to sign up for only the government’s healthcare plans, not an employer exchange-whatever-thingie. And even then, Mr. Obama, will I not die, still one day?   Even having you look directly after me won’t stop me from dying will it, Mr. Prez?  

    Give it to me straight, Obama! Because I’m beginning to think you’re either totally incompetent, or else just a liar.   Why it is that grandpa still died while under your “care”?!   I can only sermonize that me too while die –DIE!! –when you said I wouldn’t! Obama, you lying b**tard (are you)! Please tell me I won’t die. Please tell me my 22-year-old body won’t grow old and frail and plagued with illnesses and finally shut down. Tell me that!! TELL ME THAT, PRESIDENT O-BLAH-BLAH!

     I thought you said your healthcare meant nobody would die. That’s why I voted for you four times. But now, with grandpa gone, all I’m feeling is dead already, because now I’m just DEAD inside!   Please explain, Mr. Prez!

About the author: Nick Taxia

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site, DuhProgressive.com, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.

View all articles by Nick Taxia

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