The following is Satire
by Nick Taxia, DP Creator-in-Chief
(GREEN BAY, WI) —Start flapping your angelic wings, Cupid, and fly your match-making butt anywhere but in Green Bay, Wisconsin. The Green Bay public school board voted unanimously Tuesday to ban the display of Cupid, the ancient symbol of love, fertility, and the son of the goddess Venus, according to Greek mythology, citing that his longtime trusty bow and arrow incites violence.
Cupid, the loveable, chubby angelic toddler has been the symbol of Valentine’s Day for hundreds of years, some even dating his symbolic presence of the lovers’ holiday back to ancient Rome. Nevertheless, the fluttering love fairy has been expelled from Green Bay’s public schools, not because he promotes amor and the appreciation of the unique bonds between men and women (or men and men and women and women, increasingly) that hardly any other mammals experience, but because Cupid’s “shooting weapon” of a bow and arrow “sends a dangerous message to young lovers,” according to Green Bay school council president Jon Jorgensen.
“We recognize and appreciate the annual recognition of love, or people, especially the young, admiring each other as they grow further into the realm of love and physical affection,” said Dr. Jorgensen, Tuesday, in a press release Tuesday. “But with all the public shootings in our schools and malls and public places over recent years, we have voted to keep another symbol of ‘projectile violence’ away from our students’ realm.”
The romance-inspiring buzzing baby has no place in today’s public school systems, which must remain hyper-vigilant against any forms or symbols of violence, according to Jorgensen, even if that means banning a fictional winged toddler with nothing more in his heart than to entice the romantic mingling of two hearts.
“….Which leads us to another point,” continued the Green Bay School Board’s statement, “…who uses a weapon (in Cupid’s case a bow and arrow) to force youngsters to find each other attractive on this particular of days? Why don’t we just celebrate rape while we’re at it? Because that’s what Cupid and his horrid weapon of a bow and arrow symbolize –romances not being created due to actual affection, but due to the prospect of some fiendish kid with wings and a shooting weapon that is going to take aim and shoot people if they don’t embrace, express love, copulate, and so forth.”
The once so-innocent Cupid may as well be the Son of Sam of Saint Valentine’s Day, according to Jorgensen.
Surprisingly (or not, these days), Dr. Jorgensen has plenty of company in his assessments of Cupid’s subliminal coercion and even life threatening attitudes towards couples’ unities.
National Education Association President Dennis Van Roekel, during a luncheon with proponents of the Elementary School Condom Distribution Association in Washington Tuesday, commented to reporters when asked of his opinion of the Green Bay banning of Cupid and his dastardly bow and arrow, “Well, there always has been a irking in the back of my mind, and many of us of the (NEA) of what harm a plump little fairy can do flying around shooting suspected lovers –young or old– with a bow and arrow. Just think of those teenage boys and girls gazing at each other during math class, handing each other love notes…then BLAM!…an arrow from some mischievous ancient ‘angel’ pierces their chests. …Is this what we want Valentine’s Day to divulge into?”
There once was a day, not too long ago, when students in (more rural communities) could arrive to school with shotguns and rifles in the back of their pickup trucks, as well as bows and arrows, as deer hunting season necessitated. But such weapons, including Romanesque bows and arrows have long been banned on public schools over the last fifteen years, even as in-school violence and shootings have been on the rise. Go figure. The NEA’s Dennis Van Roekel, as well as Green Bay’s Jon Jorgensen and an increasing number of public school officials nationwide are taking a second look at Valentine Day’s “Cupid”; rethinking what the shooting-arrow-happy pseudo-saint of Saint Valentine and his love of inflicting lovers with scorching, piercing arrows from his haphazardly handled bow may mean not only to teens and adolescents, but lovers of all ages —i.e. violence; in such an age of violence.
“I can’t rethink on my previous four marriages without thinking on Valentine’s Day, and that little crap who was always buzzing around, either in a ‘V-Day’ card or in a crappy twenty-dollar-balloon or some stuffed animal or some crap,” said retired Green Bay School Superintendent Lance Smorgensensborg. “Maybe it’s just my personal wish… Call it self-projection, I guess,” Smorgensenborg added. “…But that !#@**$! who dumped me and the kids back in ’06..! I may not be ever able to get back at her for what she did to me–taking the kids and my savings and all, but at least I can get back at her, by supporting the banning of Cupid and his instruments of death!…That witch!”
On a brighter note, the Green Bay school board announced it will be providing 50-percent more condoms in its schools’ nurses’ offices for Valentine’s Day.
The preceding is Satire