The following is Satire.
by Joel Leggnut, DP staff
(NEW YORK)—Hell hath no fury like a Barack Obama scorned! And as Islamic militants continue overrunning more territory in Iraq, they got a taste of that “hell” President Obama is prepared to unleash if the fiercely–armed “Islamic State of Iraq and Syria” (ISIS) group does not stop its bloody march towards Baghdad.
With the U.S. embassy personnel in Baghdad having been evacuated and thousands fleeing the mainly Sunni militants, which even al-Qaeda has deemed “too violent” for their tastes, the ISIS army first heard of the assured obliteration that awaits them from President Obama Tuesday if they do not retreat back to their original launching ground within rebel-occupied Syria.
Still noticeably shaken and recovering from his disappointment at the U.S.’s victory against Portugal in the World Cup tournament Sunday evening, Obama addressed traveling reporters’ questions on how the administration will handle the growing Sunni-Muslim insurgency after he spoke at the Democrat National Committee’s annual LGBT Gala in New York.
“If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it at least one other time by now,” the President told reporters, firmly, “These militants rampaging, killing, tearing up Iraq must stop their aggression at once! And I mean it. I’m formally demanding the fighters of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria to stop…or so help me, I’ll say ‘stop’ again!”
Such saber-rattling by President Obama was certainly out of his usual “No Drama Obama” nickname his cool demeanor caused him to be strapped with, and is raising eyebrows in and outside Washington.
Said author and conservative columnist Ann Coulter in a call-in interview on , Wednesday morning, “This is a new type of Obama I know I haven’t heard before, and most of us on the conservative side of the aisle haven’t heard before …We’ve been calling (Obama’s) foreign policy stances ‘weak’, ‘feckless’ and ‘naïve’ at best, and down-right dangerous. But I don’t see now how the world and this ISIS group can ignore such a dire warning such as ‘stop, or I’ll say stop again’ from the President.”
“Quite frankly, I’m scared,” added Coulter. “I’m scared Obama’s unhinged rhetoric may escalate this crisis in Iraq to an all-out regional or world war. Or if Obama’s lucky his threat to say ‘stop’ to the terrorists a second time will do just that, and they’ll lay down their arms and go home. But still, such talk of such a notoriously bellicose leader like [President Obama] would shake any enemy to their core.”
Obama has already ordered the U.S. George H. W. Bush aircraft carrier to Iraq and sent 275 troops to help guard the embassy in Baghdad in case of a possible attack on it and the Iraqi capital from the militants. Such maneuvers have been scoffed at or ignored completely by the bloodthirsty militants until Obama’s threat to say the word “stop” to them again today. Indeed, report ISIS commanders now occupying practically all of northern Iraq except the Kurdish territories in north-eastern Iraq, Obama’s threat to tell them to “stop” again has struck fear in them more than any possibility of a drone strike or fighter jets could.
Speaking to reporters from the Al Jazeera network, one of the only news outfits the deadly militants have allowed to follow them as they campaign towards Baghdad, ISIS commander and spokesman for its leader, Abu Bakr al Baghdadi, who only identified himself as “Aswad”, said of Obama’s threat, “This is worse than the Knights Who Say Ni, by far. I have never been ordered to stop [fighting and beheading] by anyone before, and neither have my brothers in our struggle to establish a new Islamic Caliphate. So not only to be told to stop once by an American president, but to be threatened with being told to ‘stop’ again is very upsetting.”
“Aswad” said many of fellow ISIS fighters have already laid down their weapons and are fleeing back to Syria, too scared to endure another round of hearing the word “stop” directed at them by President Obama.
“But most of those [retreating] don’t get very far before we shoot them,” added Aswad. “But there’s so many who have been struck with such terror by the threat of having Obama say ‘stop’ again, they just can’t help themselves, I suppose.”
Worst yet for the marauding jihadists, a second demand to “stop” by Obama may just be the beginning of the President’s lethal linguistic arsenal. Wrapping up his comments on the crisis in Iraq, Obama finished in New York Tuesday night with another bone-chilling promise. “I’ll say ‘stop’ again, yes, but that won’t be all!” Obama said, glaring at Ed Henry, Fox News’ White House correspondent who had asked how far was he willing to go with telling the militants to stop?
“If [ISIS] doesn’t stop their rampaging and atrocities, I’ll keep saying ‘stop’! I’ll say it a third time, fourth time, fifth–how many ‘stops’ it takes me to say! I’ll tell them to ‘stop’ until they’ll have nightmares about it! …There’s no stopping ‘my stops’ once you get me started!”
“My God,” stuttered Ed Henry to fellow reporters. “He’s a madman!”
SERIOUS NOTE: Unlike some other sites who steal others’ jokes and ideas without giving their creators credit, Duh Progressive gives credit where it is due. So we must thank comedian Robin Williams from his 1982 stand-up tour, An Evening With Robin Williams, from where the threat/phrase “Stop…or I’ll say ‘stop’ again” derived. Thank you, Robin!
The above is Satire.