Marriage FORMULA: How to Avoid Killing Your Wife’s Lover

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine and he told me he’d just caught his wife with another man. My heart immediately went out to the guy. My first and second wives both had affairs, so I knew what he was feeling. I don’t know what it’s like for a woman, but for a man it’s like being punched in the gut with a ten-pound splitting maul. It always leaves a mark.

I came home and shared it with my wife. (Yes, my third wife – third time’s a charm.) We talked about it for a while, cuz she knows I’ve got issues with that after being punched in the gut so many times, but, in the end, my wife made this very profound statement. “Well, after a while, a woman has to realize that her morals are more important than her emotional needs.”

Damn! I like that woman! I love her!

I had another nightmare last night – the same one I’ve been having for years. Maybe you guys can relate. It’s the one where I come in and find my wife in bed with another man. I hate that one. It always screws up my head for about a week, and I start watching my wife and checking her text messages and emails. It’s stupid – I know that. But I just can’t help it. Perhaps I need therapy? But, I suppose planting bugs in my wife’s purse and installing surveillance cameras around the house would be cheaper and more practical.

Have you noticed that men and women are different? A man is simple. Just give him sex on demand and he’ll walk over hot coals for you. It’s kind of like throwing raw meat to a famished tiger. Without the meat he growls, but after the meat he purrs. Of course he needs other things too, like hot food and his woman telling him he’s still the stud he was in college. But any wise woman knows that. Men are easy.

But women … now there’s a challenge. I often wonder why God made men and women with conflicting needs. Women need to talk about their feelings and other yucky stuff like that. Even worse, they want their man to analyze his feelings with them, too. Women just don’t understand that if we wanted to share our feelings our lips would be moving and words coming out. Women need to cuddle. What is up with that? We just had sex, now roll over and go to sleep. Tomorrow’s a big day.

And women don’t seem to need sex very much, except when they’re dating or having an affair. But after marriage sex is a nuisance to them. But I suppose men are the same way in other regards. When we’re dating, we’re fascinated with a woman’s feelings and we hang on every word she says. We talk to them until three in the morning. But, after the hunt and subsequent conquest is over, it’s just not necessary and we have more important things to do. (Like sleep, scratching ourselves and watching television.)

Why do men and women cheat? I used to think it was just a lack of character on the part of the cheater, but that’s too simple. Sure, that’s part of it, but not all. Some people cheat because their needs aren’t being met by the person they love and that hurts. They take it personal. My response to that is “Suck it up!”

I think we’re all spoiled brats. Men, your wife isn’t going to dress up in a cheerleading outfit and dance around the bedroom for you shaking her booty to turn you on. And women, your husband isn’t interested in feelings and relationships. Sure, you can tell him about your girlfriends, but don’t expect him to understand it or enjoy it.

But here’s the thing. If a man wants to keep his woman happy, then he at least has to make the effort. Go ahead and listen while she’s telling you about her best friend’s marriage and how her mother was insensitive to her. Just nod your head blankly and agree with her. As a bonus, if you can squeeze out a tear or two you’ll have her wrapped around your little finger. You might even get laid.

And women, your job is even harder. When your husband starts to give you a back rub, it’s not because he’s studying to be a physical therapist. He wants sex. You have to give it to him. And here’s the difficult part: you have to pretend to enjoy it. That’s right, ladies. Marriage is work. And you get extra points for faking orgasms. It’s not that difficult. Watch the movie When Harry Met Sally. That will tell you everything you need to know about men and women. We’re both selfish scoundrels.

Remember this:
1. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
2. Women have sex to get a relationship. Men have a relationship to get sex.

So how does that work in a marriage, on a practical level I mean? Men, I’m gonna give it to you straight. There’s no getting around it; the more you talk about your feelings, the more she wants you. It’s absurd.

When you say, “Honey, I had a terrible day at work, but I’m so glad you’re here to talk to. Do you have a minute?”

She hears, “I love you, and I care about what you think and feel.”

Women, I don’t know how to break it to you, but when pretend you want to have sex with us, it makes us feel more like men. It makes us feel “bigger” in a whole lot of ways.

Of course, you have to take everything I’m saying with a grain of salt because my track record isn’t all that good and … well … I’m a man.

After my wife and I got done talking about it, I tried to be kind and warm and sensitive. I said to her, “Honey, if there’s ever a time I’m not meeting your emotional needs and you find yourself attracted to another man, I want you to tell me about it. And then I’m going to kill him.”

You see, I can be sensitive when I have to. Marriage isn’t for wimps.

Image: http://bmawufbp.blogspot.com/2012/11/are-you-mentally-and-emotionally.html