by Andrew Allen
Clash Daily Guest Contributor
“Dear Ayatollah…what’s up, bro. It’s me. Barack. You know, Barack Obama, the guy that’s written to you before. Barack Obama. See, I kinda sorta need your help. My policy advisors said I shouldn’t write to you again, but what do they know, know what I mean? And I don’t even want to get into what those people in Congress would say if they found out I was still writing to you. Such rubes. Fanatics. They just don’t get it.
Well see, it’s like this. I’ve got this golf game I’m working on and it’s been way too long since I went on vacation and every time I bring it up there’s some dude in a military uniform or some advisor reminding me about ISIS and your nuclear program. It’s like “but Mr. President the Iranians blah blah blah” all the friggin time, bro. Ever play any golf by the way?
Anyway, I can’t make my staff flip channels on the TV for me without seeing someone on the news talking about these things. Even that Doogie Howser lookalike, what’s her name, oh yeah Rachel Maddow, gets in on it sometimes. I give speeches and stuff so that they all have things to talk about, things like building roads and healthcare, but they would rather bother me with ISIS and the nuclear stuff. Even after all those jobs I saved and or created, and those Occupy people I put in the streets, they are all nuclear Iran this and ISIS that 24/7, bro. I don’t even get to sleep in some days anymore because of this! Three weeks in Hawaii is sounding good right now.
Now, you know I don’t like using the military to do military things. Can’t rely on them for national security, that’s not what they are for. Besides, we can all sit down and talk things out. And really that’s all my country should be doing. I’m a lot like you in that I’m none to proud of the way America bullies other countries including yours. We kinda throw our weight around. I mean, who are we to say that your way isn’t the right way. And when you look at the west’s track record and compare it with Iran’s, why is our way of doing things any better than yours?
You’ve gotta understand, bro, I have all these bitter people in America clinging to their Bibles and guns that think it’s our way or the highway. Speaking of highways, I can barely get them to drive electric cars even when I use my stash to help them pay for a Chevy Volt. I can’t even get them to support gay marriage.You’d think we’re a theocracy or something. Haven’t these people ever heard of separation of Church and State? It’s hard being me with all these bitter clingers complaining after all I’ve done for them.
So what’s a guy like me to do when people keep asking me about ISIS and the Iranian nuclear program? I wish they were as smart as I am. If they were smart like me they’d understand that America is a Republic and so is Iran because it’s like, in the official name of your country. Islamic Republic of Iran. We are both Republics. Yep. And it’s true, my side didn’t do as well in our elections last week the way your side does when you guys have elections. Maybe we could learn from you and how your country manages it’s elections. You sure keep things on lock over there. How do you do it, bro? Pretty epic.
I’ll make you a deal. If you could just ease up on the nuclear thing a little bit, say, until 2017, then I could promise you I won’t attack you even though you know I won’t anyway. Look how hard it was for me to get involved in Syria and Iraq! I can’t set any more red lines though. Didn’t work out too good last time I did that. So, if you could just slow your roll on that nuke thing. With ISIS, man, I don’t know. I know you are a Shiite and they are Sunnis, but if you ever Facebook with them or whatever, maybe you could tell them to slow their roll too? I’m starting to look like George W. Bush because of them. Me, looking like W? No way.
Anyway, maybe someday I can come visit because it would be super cool if I could be the first President to come to Tehran since Jimmy Carter went over there back in the 70s. Jimmy Carter, now that dude was a President holla! We could sit around together, maybe shoot some hoops or a round of golf, or whatever. I need your help, bro, I got this Nobel Peace Prize, 2016, and a legacy to worry about. Know what I mean?
Barack H. Obama
Andrew Allen grew up in the American southeast and for more than two decades has worked as an information technologies professional in Washington DC, southern California, and abroad variously in Europe, Africa, and parts of Asia. A former far-left activist, Allen became a conservative in the late 1990s, once emboldened to begin questioning his own leftist points of view. When not working IT issues or traveling Andrew Allen spends his free time with family, exercising, and writing.