MRS. EVIL ELVIS! Ivory Tower Church Staff, AKA Henchmen, Pt1.

Dedicated to Mrs. Evil Elvis

Yeah, so excited!  It’s time for my volunteer interview, I’m sitting at a group of chairs by another future volunteer hopeful.  She was a rather large younger woman most of her girls were peeking out of her lower cut blouse, my chit chat partner didn’t seem fazed in the least about being breast naked for a church interview. 

As we were sharing a little chit chat I heard my name called, looking up there stood an older than middle aged (staff approved) unsmiling, short boney woman.  I would later find out that she was married to one of the top staff, meaning her husband is another paid employee.  Let’s call her Mrs. Elvis or as I critiqued her later to be Mrs. Evil Elvis. 

For this interview I am dressed in a black pair of dress slacks a black shell blouse that’s up to my collar bone with a lime green suit jacket.  My hair brushed and my roots recently done. I had my daytime makeup on, I could not have looked more “churchy.”  So Mrs. Evil Elvis greets me with no smile, not a handshake, not good to meet you, not welcome to this Ivory Tower Church (ITC), no nothing!  She elevated one of her boney fingers and motioned for me to come, then without waiting for me she turned on her heel, I assumed I was to follow and so I did.  Now we are heading in a different direction.  The whole time Mrs. Evil Elvis, while not saying a word to me, is making a continuous little noise that came from her throat, huummm, as she is continually looking me up and down.  (This creepy, walk-along experience would feel similar to a medical examination where the doctor is making that same noise just before he announces that he thinks you have an incurable disease).

A minute ago I was all smiles, now I’m wondering if she is going to eat me!  We take a seat at one of the tables that was apparently an interview area, as we are surrounded by other tables filled with other volunteer hopefuls.  The others hopefuls are talking to much cheerier looking interviewers.  

So Mrs. Elvis starts to go over my paperwork asking me questions.  I did insert a question of my own, I found out she doesn’t usually do interviewing, but she had decided to help out that day, just my luck, great!

We get down to a question on the form of whether I speak in tongues, I replied yes. While still sitting there Mrs. Evil Elvis is again now looking me up and down, then out of her mouth come words I will never forget, quote: “Well, if you prayed more in the Spirit, you would look different on the outside”…What?!  I’m sitting straight up in my chair, legs crossed and hands in my lap, my girls aren’t hanging out, my black shell blouse is up to my collar bone, I have daytime makeup on, even a suit jacket on, so WTH?  I am sure this is where other volunteer hopefuls with more self-esteem than I possess would have gotten up and after a few choice words, directed towards Madame Evil, would have turned and walked out the door, but no!…not me. I’m a glutton for punishment.

Personally in retrospect, I think getting me to walk out was just what the staff via Mrs. Evil was attempting to do (I’m not staff approved.) But I didn’t walk out, not for years to come anyhow, as I have said this is just the beginning. To this day I avoid Mrs. Evil Elvis like the plague that she is.

So I weathered the interview and orientation night. I became an official ITC volunteer with my own badge. By the way I have no idea if the naked breasted girl was accepted as a volunteer or not.
So my saga begins that I’ll be sharing here. It took me years of watching and putting two plus two together to finally see a pattern. I became an eye witness to the staff’s “methodical cleansing” of the volunteer pool. Almost a decade later I am sure about what I have observed.

Follow my daughter and me @ FB’s Burbsmom and



About the author: ++++Allen

++++Allen is an old-enough-to-know-better, concerned American. Lover of God and Country, wife and mother of three grown twenty-something babies. Crusading the fight against "real" social injustice issues, and liberal idiots, anywhere I find it, and them. She's written a book available on The Underbelly of a Mega Church Image: Joan of Arc; Courtesy of: Archivo:Portrait_jeanne_d%27arc.jpg

View all articles by ++++Allen

Like Clash? Like Clash.

Leave a comment

Please disable your Ad Blocker to leave a comment.

Trending Now on Clash Daily