IF WE RAN MIZZOU: Here’s A Poem from Mizzou Race Baiters to the Rest of America
“It’s a pretty good school,”
said the kids of Mizzou,
“And the president of it
Seems proud of it, too.
“But if we ran Mizzou,”
Said the activist crew,
“We’d make a few changes.
That’s just what we’d do.
“The deans and the teachers
And that kind of stuff
They have up there now
Just aren’t diverse enough.
“You see white men like these
In just any old place.
We need something fresh;
They’re an abject disgrace.
“So we’d fire them all,
Kick them out one by one,
Then demand our demands
And be smug when we’re done.
“And somehow or other
We think we could find
Some staff of a much more
Amenable kind.
“We’ll find all types of people—
all races and creeds–
We’ll hire for courses
Diversity needs.
“We’ll find experts in Oprah,
Kardashian studies,
Basics of Frisbee
And Films About Buddies,
“Survey of Showtime,
And Chess as a Science,
And Studies in Parsing
The Marvel Alliance.
“Postmodern Perspectives
On Shopping and Wrapping,
Basics of Hats,
Intermediate Clapping,
“Art of Using a Stylus,
Youtube Analysis,
How to Use Marijuana
To Cure Your Paralysis,
“Survey of Wednesday
In Music and History,
Alvin’s Role in the Chipmunks,
And Scandal as Mystery.
“And of course we would be
Remiss to omit
Many practical courses
Like Why Racists Spit,
“And How to be Safe
From the Trucks of Missouri
And Intro to Hoaxes:
How to Fool A Jury,
“Survey of Racism,
Sexism, Class—
And quite a few offerings
Inspired by grass.
“Our classes will surely
Be highly attended,
And no student anywhere
Will be offended.
“We’ll hire the finest,
The best in their field—
As long as they promise
They’re privilege-healed.
“We probably won’t
Hire many white men;
We don’t want to make
The same errors again.
“Making everyone safe
Will be in our transition;
No triggers allowed
Is our bedrock position.
“If you don’t feel secure
You need not be alone,
We’ll spend millions of bucks
To create a safe zone,
“Where no one may say
anything that’s unkind.
If we could we’d make sure
Thoughts don’t enter your mind
“It’s just so awfully hard
To study for Psych
When surrounded by folks
Thinking thoughts you don’t like!
“And please do not ask
About your First Amendment.
That’s clearly defective
We ought to just end it,
“For how does it help
To have freedom to speak
When all you will say
Is a nasty critique?
“How much better it is,
How much nicer a place
Where you cannot say things
About gender or race!
“What a fine paradise
Of advanced higher learning
Could we have if we only
Would be more discerning.
“If only we all
Could be forced not to say
Anything that might somehow
Cause someone dismay.
“So we think that Mizzou
Would make a fine place
To do the experiment
Testing that case.
“No talk about race,
Or gender again;
No speaking at all
By cisgender white men.
“No insults, no meanness,
No anger or yelling—
Except when we Occupy
Some rich dude’s dwelling.
“We’ll write up a screed,
A bill of no rights
To explain why Mizzou
Only has outbound flights,
“For we know very well
That as soon as we get
All the things we demand
There will come that old threat
“That people will leave
If we don’t change it back,
So we’ll write it all down
In plain white and black.
“You only can speak
On the things we approve,
And you must do it nicely,
Or you’ll have to move.
“Obviously,
There are no guns allowed,
Because all students want to
Shoot into a crowd.
“We don’t understand
Amendment Three’s text,
So we’ll leave it alone
And move on to what’s next.
“We do like the Fourth,
But what we think we’ll do
Is make sure to reserve
Our right to spy on you.
“It will go on like that,
It’s too boring for this
Rest assured that your rights
Are not something you’ll miss.
“Student government will
Make sure you are fine.
Don’t worry your head,
Just get back in your line.
“We will hire a Dean
Just to watch our diversity
And quite a few more
Throughout the university
“These will make us free
of the trouble and fuss
That so often comes
When you don’t think like us.
“All Bio courses,
Our protests demand,
Will be taught under trees
With an awesome house band.
“Our chemistry courses,
With some taught at night,
Will involve careful study
Of one Walter White.
“And law won’t be studied;
With all its aggression—
a white male construct
Of cisgender oppression!
“We’re not sure about science—
We might let it stay,
But only if facts we don’t like
Go away.
“English is fine,
It’s a good place to learn
How to think, what to think,
How to show our concern
“For a world that is reeling
From things that aren’t fair—
Like by burning bad books
And not combing our hair.
“We will oust the professors
Who dare to displease us
And make the theology
Classes ban Jesus.
“We’ll fight the good fight
By not going to classes,
And stand up for truth
Sitting here on our asses.
“Yes that’s what we’d do
If we ran Mizzou,
But our parents
Wouldn’t pay our tuition—
Will you?”