Hillary Wants to Use Your Tax Money To Find Aliens…No, This Isn’t A Joke

I read recently that Hillary is planning to invest many more of our tax dollars in the search for extra-terrestrial intelligent life. (I’m not sure how she could recognize intelligence anywhere. I’m certain little green men wouldn’t recognize anything intelligent about her.) Let’s get this thing straight about this crap of looking for life on other planets. There ain’t any. It’s rare enough on Earth. Looking for it is stupid. (I’m thankful Trump has put the “S” word back in the lexicon. If you are stupid, the rest of us can now call you on it. Particularly if you’re a politician.) And if little green persons do exist somewhere, it doesn’t matter. Here’s why. The closest star to us is four light years away. It has no planets. The next closest is twenty some light years away. No planets. The next closest star is a couple hundred light years away. Planets are doubtful there.

If you’re a liberal and don’t know what a light year is, let me explain. Light travels at the speed of 186,000 miles per second. If you are a liberal, you may have never thought about it before (or anything else), but this is why the bathroom gets light so quickly when you turn on the switch inside the bathroom door when you get up to go pee-pee at night. (For you liberals who wet the bed instead of getting up to go to the bathroom, I’ll try to think of another example later.) A light year is a measure of distance, not time. (I know this is getting trippy for you liberals, but try to stay with me.) Ten light years is the distance you would travel if you could travel at 186,000 miles per second for ten years. (You Liberals are just now worrying about leap years. I know. You are thinking about silly, non-essential things and how to use such things to complicate reality, which means you qualify to be a government bureaucrat.) Ten light years is a very BIG distance. Much further than Grandma’s house when you liberals were kids.

For liberals I know this will be hard, but Einstein (a very smart guy, which means his ideas were not about pushing people around and mass murder and genocide, so you liberals have probably never studied about him) theorized (for liberals, a “theory” is an idea which may predict how people or rocks or microbes or crazy politicians may act under certain circumstances…and if a theory fails to properly predict such actions…or is unprovable…it is discarded by normal people) that if you could travel at the speed of light, you would not age while so traveling around the galaxies. Assuming Einstein was right about such stuff, you could “theoretically” (you liberals are learning a new word, yes?) go to some distant star and camp out overnight and return the next morning (after changing you underwear or diaper, if you’re a liberal) and zip back home to Earth …all while not aging a day, while, of course, your great grandchildren have already climbed into their death beds, because while a hundred light years means nothing to you as the traveler, it means a hundred years to those not in your space ship.

While this may be an interesting idea, it has some major problems. 1) No one can travel at light speed, nor is it likely anyone ever will. 2) and 3) don’t matter much after you consider No. 1. (I think some outer space probe finally reached Jupiter or Uranus recently after being launched about ten years ago. And the probe was going very fast, but nothing like 186,000 miles per second.) The bottom line here is that you can’t get there from here. We are imprisoned on Earth by the vast distances of space.

Some people say that aliens walk among us and offer as proof, to wit, “it’s possible.” While this is irrefragable evidence for a liberal, it doesn’t convince a real person. If little green men walk among us why don’t they reveal themselves? If they are smart enough to invent a means of traveling at light speed or faster, what do they have to fear from us? If they’ve come to help us, they haven’t yet found the right people to talk to. If they’ve come to harm us like Matt “the Martian” Dillon in that old Twilight Zone episode, what are they waiting for. We’re losing weight, with these silly fat free diets, waiting to get to market.

All of this to point out how stupid the search for extraterrestrial life is. Just the sort of do-gooder-Earth-saving-utterly worthless activity to attract a liberal like Hillary. But maybe she is simply trying to curry votes from the four or five dolts the Fed has hired to watch for radio signals from those far galaxies to which no Earthling will ever travel. (By the way, radio waves travel much more slowly than light. So much more slowly, that the green men who might have sent radio waves our way would have been dead for centuries before we would ever receive them.) It isn’t as stupid as claiming the seas are rising and you …personally…are the solution and intend to keep Malibu right where it is. But it is still stupid.

Now I’m gonna’ watch Forbidden Planet again in the hopes that Leslie Neilson will finally crack a joke. Stupid, I know, but not as stupid as the aforesaid.