WHAT IF: A 35 Yr. Old Man ‘SELF-IDENTIFIES’ As a Pee-Wee Football PLAYER?

These days with everyone ‘self-identifying’ as something that is completely opposite of who they really are, would this be considered fair game? Would we be ‘evil’ to call this bullsh*t? Imagine the following:

A 35-year old New Beford man is shattering records, and sometimes bones, in the New Bedford Youth Football League this year. Jim “The Whale” Smith was recently allowed to play against 11-year olds after he self-identified as a 7th grade “Pee Wee” league footballer.

“I eat, live and breathe football,” stated Jim. “It’s the thing I live for and when I heard about self identifying I just couldn’t resist.”

“We didn’t even have to sue the state to let Jim play,” said John David, Jim’s family lawyer. “As soon as we mentioned ‘self identify’ the league capitulated and let him play.”

Jim has dominated the league, shattering year long records in a single game.

“In my first game I scored 19 touchdowns out of 20 times carrying the ball. The only time I didn’t score was when an unconscious kid’s arm got caught in my belt. I dragged him for a while, but he definitely slowed me down just enough to allow the other 12 kids to catch up and take me down.”

Read more: Rotten Scallop

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