1. I wouldn’t trust anyone named Mohammed or anyone who worships anyone named Mohammad. Yep, until they chill the heck out for … oh … at least 1000 years … I wouldn’t trust them any further than I could throw my BMW convertible. Indeed, until that time they can kiss my Pilaticized ass.
2. I’d move my Gay Pride Protests from Evangelicals to Islam. If were gay, I wouldn’t give two hoots about Mike Huckabee. I could tell, even if we disagreed, Mike would remain/still be an affable gent who wouldn’t throw me off a frickin’ roof for wearing Versace. The Religion of Peace, on the other hand, would have me liquidated quicker than Kim Kardashian dispenses with last weeks’ clothes.
3. I’d learn martial arts, STAT. If I were gay, I’d forego following RuPaul’s lead and follow Royce Gracie’s and Pedro Valente’s footsteps. I’d be the baddest gay dude walking this 3rd Rock from The Sun. I wouldn’t start any fights, but God help the Islamic death jockey who grabbed my Ralph Lauren Pre-Fall, Purple Label, Arbury Shearing Coat.
4. I’d become so proficient with weapons I’d make Dirty Harry look gay.
5. I’d formally blow off the Left because they’ve formally chosen Islam over gays. Yep, I’d care more about National Security than I would gay marriage and using the chick’s public toilet. The reason being because, in the grand scheme of things, the aforementioned ditties pale in comparison to living in a secure society free from Jihadis.
6. I’d back Trump’s Muslim ban. Matter of fact, if I were gay, I’d be worse than Trump. I’d be so bad that every time Hillary or Paul Ryan says “open borders” I’d throw my body wax at the TV.
7. I’d really think twice about going into “gun free” zones. My motto would be, “Forego night clubs and pride festivals” for a while; and I’d start new soirees around guns. Matter of fact, I’d launch a gay version of the NRA called the NRGay.
8. I’d curb excessive drinking and all drug use and be more sober than Billy Graham and more on edge than Denis Leary after he ran out of cigarettes and espresso.
9. I’d become the first responder to protect other people. You wouldn’t find me in a shooting situation being a screaming sitting duck. You wouldn’t find me texting mommy. I would have my concealed weapon out spitting lead down range to any would-be-terrorist trying to harm innocent people. If, for some reason, I didn’t have my gun on me, then I’d find some type of object and jack them up.
10. And I wouldn’t trust anyone named Mohammed