When the misinformed thinks of Jesus nowadays, one imagines …
1. An overly ebullient, grinning hick with a curly mullet, a man bag and a quaint southern drawl, who spits out more aphorisms than Joel Osteen on crystal-meth-laced Mountain Dew.
2. Or The Nazarene gets painted as some rambling, Rasputin-like mystic who strings together long, illogical stories like an unshorn, Bruce-Banner-#3-inspired, Matthew McConaughey grad speech.
3. Either that or Jesus Christo gets pitched as some unisexual, religious, gluten-free Gucci model who might confuse us in regards to his actual gender, but he’s crystal clear with his message that we should all be tolerant of the ridiculous no matter how much it offends reason.
Two things are for certain in our culture’s postmodern paranormal messaging regarding Christ and Christians:
1. Jesus is not masculine and …
2. Christianity is for pussies
Indeed, our pussified culture has created for themselves a pussified, Faux Christ, who’s nicer than the actual Jesus and has little to nothing to do with the rebellious, young Galilean who kicked up dust on the mean streets in the Middle East many moons ago. Consequently, his followers are expected to produce gelded disciples who do not upset the world like the first century believers did.
Well, as you can imagine, Dear Crispin, I’m here to blow that non-sense all to hell.
The real Jesus of the Scripture was a very hard act to follow. I hate to disparage The Duke, but the Christ of the Bible makes John Wayne look lame.
Jesus was the epitome of a man’s man.
Yep, the Jesus of the Scripture razed hell, drank and made wine, was a carpenter before Home Depot and power tools, fashioned a whip and turned over the book tables of the religious dandies of his day, bashed false prophets and wicked politicos and sacrificially gave up his life as a ransom for many. To make that Man into Jared Leto, as far as I’m concerned, is the sin of sins.
If you need proof that I’m not a bubble off level, then grab your journal and hold on to your lug nuts; it’s time for an overhaul.
Check out these observations of the Rowdy Christ in the Book of Matthew.
– Baby Jesus terrified Herod so much he tried to kill him.
– Jesus kicked Satan’s backside on an empty stomach after forty days of fasting.
– Jesus told his followers to quit their jobs and join his revolt. Then he gave them power over frickin’ demons. That sounds more exciting than a pussy’s life, doesn’t it?
– The famous Sermon On the Mount purposely offended the religious dweebs of his day. It was bold, politically incorrect yumminess, on steroids.
– Jesus wasn’t some insecure, lame fame-seeker who had to hang out with the Charisma magazine’s Playmate of the Month. Jesus hung out with riff-raff.
– Jesus was tough on his followers and wouldn’t even allow one to bury his own dead dad.
– Jesus didn’t shriek like a chick when faced with Cat 5 hurricanes or the worst demon possessed lunatics on the planet.
– Jesus was so dangerous to be around and so controversial, people wanted nothing to do with him.
– Jesus purposely went out of his way to mess with self-righteous religious donkeys.
– When Jesus performed a miracle he told the crowd not to tell anyone. A pussy would never do that. No, rather they would build a blog, a Facebook page, and start doing speaking tours to gullible churches that like to hear stories about the time you laid hands on your house cat and he miraculously coughed up the hairball he was choking on.
– Jesus was able to see potential in the worst possible people and places. That’s something a shortsighted, fear-laden, visionless pussy would never do.
– Jesus gave away the power he had to his boys. That’s definitely not something an insecure pastor would ever do.
– Jesus didn’t coddle his disciples. He didn’t give them any money and he sent them out like sheep to the wolves, in a summit or plummet mission. Since he wasn’t a pussy… he made certain that his amigos weren’t pussies either.
– Jesus told everyone in earshot of him that he didn’t come to bring peace but a sword. He warned his audience that if you follow him you had better expect the crap to hit the fan.
– Jesus “commanded” his disciples. Please note: he didn’t softly suggest for them to try the Father’s way. No… he commanded them.
– Jesus let his buddy John the Baptist go to jail and he didn’t try to get him out in any form or fashion. Jesus’ buddies weren’t little daisies. They did jail time. Have you?
– Jesus said only the “violent enter the Kingdom of Heaven”. When’s the last time you heard that preached at your “I’m A Daisy Community Church”?
– Jesus berated an apathetic and persnickety generation.
– Jesus condemned to hell entire cities. He pronounced curses upon everyone in the town.
– Jesus said the wise and learned religious know-it-alls wouldn’t make it to heaven but only the bruised and broken.
– Jesus purposely offended the ridiculous religious rules of his day by eating bread and healing peeps on the Sabbath.
– Jesus was a smart aleck. He asked the wise and the learned of the Scripture, “Have you not read?” when he knew fully well they had read the Scripture. They memorized the first five books of the Bible.
– Jesus so jacked with the religious leaders that they sought to kill him.
– Jesus wasn’t interested in the pretty crowds. Yep, he favored the kind of people you wouldn’t want to share your Facebook profile picture with.
– Jesus once again told those whom he did great things for to tell no one what he did. In other words, he wasn’t some fame-seeking religious whore.
– Jesus was so raw and obtuse towards the religious dandies they nicknamed him el Diablo.
– Jesus slapped the label “evil snakes” on the top religious big dawgs of his day.
– Jesus defied his own parents. Yep, Jesus did not obey the sweet Virgin Mary.
– Jesus purposefully obscured his messages so that people who thought they had God figured out ended up going to an eternal hell. A squishy pastor would’ve told the self-righteous, religious hoity-toities that they’re God’s special people and they’re all going to heaven to eat ice cream with Jesus.
– Jesus walked on water. Now that, my friend, is some ballsy stuff. I had a buddy we nicknamed “Itchy” who tried to walk on water once after he got all liquored-up at Buffalo Lake back in the early ’80’s. It was late and we were partying out in the middle of the lake and we dared him to try; and he, like Saint Peter, went for it; and like San Pedro he sunk like most men’s wedding tackle does when they watch Michelle Obama dance.
– Jesus had so much power radiating off his person that if you touched his clothes you’d get healed. Pussies don’t have that kind of moxie radiating off their skinny jeans. The only thing you’ll get if you touch a metrosexual’s clothing is the transference of their cheap, unisex perfume they bought just because Justin Bieber wore it once and they somehow think that wearing his eau de toilette will morph them into that dork.
– Jesus called a lady a dog. A people-pleasing pastor would never call some needy chick a dog to get a point across, but Jesus did. By the way, the lady he dissed wasn’t an easily offended Nancy who ran off and filed a defamation of character lawsuit. No, she played his insult/test right and ended up receiving a mega-blessing for her whacked out daughter. See, when Jesus says something offensive, it’s best to roll with his punches because most of the time, my little kiddies… he’s testing you to see if you’re going to pout and die or rise up and live.
– Jesus predicted his death and didn’t have a pity party about it. He knew what was coming down the pike and that it was going to get rough. Like, in real rough.
– When Peter rebuked Jesus and tried to save his life, Jesus lit him up, called him Satan, and forthrightly proceeded towards his own crucifixion. Most squishy pastors, if they got wind of their death, would hire Blackwater to guard them 24/7. Jesus didn’t. He embraced death. He said his death was a must. His death was God’s will and he embraced his fate like a man. Tell me that ain’t bad-ass.
– Jesus rebuked his boys’ inability to cast out a wicked demon that kept tossing a kid he possessed into fire and water. He didn’t tell his feckless followers, “Well, you did your best.” He said, “How long do I have to put up with you? You’re perverted and unbelieving.” Essentially, he told ‘em they hadn’t learned a thing after hanging out with him for three years. Question: does that fit your Sweet Jesus image that your church pawned off on you for the last twenty-years? No? I didn’t think so.
– Jesus said God’s kingdom belongs to peeps with kid-like faith, not smarmy, religious jackanapes.
– Jesus said, if you mess with kids, you’re dead meat to him at the judgment seat.
– Jesus said he’s happier when really messed up sinners come to God than all the squeaky-clean dullards singing “Kumbayah” ad nauseam, ad infinitum, at Light-A-Fart Community Church.
– Jesus said to kick someone out of church if they stubbornly persist in their sin. I know ministers who embrace some of the most scurrilous scalawags who don’t give two flips about living for God simply because they give mega-money to ministry. Can you say “pussy”? Jesus would never do that. A greedy religious punk would. But not Jesus.
– Jesus also said, if someone’s truly sorry for the bad they’ve done to you, no matter how many times they screw up, that you’d better chill and forgive them or God won’t forgive you. Ouch.
– Jesus said that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery. Boom. You’ll hear very few little darlings preach that on Sundays in our divorce-laden “Churches”. Hello, pussies!
– Jesus said it’s tough for rich people to enter the kingdom of Heaven. He compared it to a camel crawling through the eye of a little needle. In our context, it would be like getting Rosie O’Donnell to squeeze into a size-one cat-suit.
– Jesus told his goofy disciples, who were wanting to be “rulers”, that only sacrificial servants are his true buddies and that’s what he considers a real leader.
– Jesus showed compassion, a masculine quality, on people who were truly suffering. He didn’t blow them off like selfish, religious douches do.
– Jesus kicked some ass in the Temple, driving out all of the religious hucksters who had turned a place of prayer into a place to make lots of money by selling Christian kitsch to sincere religious folks. Doesn’t that sound familiar? Can you imagine what would happen if Jesus got air dropped into the 21st Century and personally saw the nasty money machines both Catholic and Protestant churches have morphed into? Shoot… he’d be so personally worn out from kicking so much shyster keister that he’d have to hire massive, multi-member Church Ass-Kicking Squads to go around the country flippin’ over cheesy Christian book, CD and DVD display tables at various churches and Christian conferences. I also think Jesus would come real close to cussin’ if somehow he were also forced to sit through The Dove Awards, which sports supposed “Christian” talent more shady than The Black Forest.
– Jesus cursed a fig tree and it croaked. Yep, Jesus killed a tree. So much for Jesus being what the liberals depict him as, namely, a doe-eyed tree-hugger. When’s the last time your pastor cursed and killed a tree? Never? That’s what I thought.
– Jesus reduced the law of God down into two simple commands and neither of them has anything to do with not smoking cigars or not drinking beer. Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Pretty succinct, eh?
– Jesus went postal on the nefarious religious leaders of his day, in the most epic smacked down ever recorded in the entirety of Scripture. It was a public rebuke that was anything but sweet. He verbally dropped kicked them into next week; exposing their hypocrisy and abuses and pronounced seven curses on their pretty, little, religious heads. Truly awesome, terrifying denunciations delivered by a Christ who had gotten fed up with their crap. It’s a must read. Especially in light of the fact that most churches will never preach on them because they’re so rough and Christianettes don’t like hard sayings… they love only to have their souls stroked on Sunday.
– Jesus really goes rogue in this chapter and pronounces some pretty hefty maledictions against impenitent, religious crowds. Yep, in chapter twenty-four Jesus says not only are the people in deep kimchi, but the very Temple is now doomed. By the way, it was no easier in Jesus’ day to be politically incorrect than it is in ours.
– Jesus unfurls one of the scariest stories I’ve ever read, called “The Sheep & The Goats”. I dare you to read it. It definitely is not for pussies. It’ll terrify you but… at the same time… it could save you.
– Jesus, on the night of his death, doesn’t call the suicide hotline. He doesn’t start screaming, “I want my Virgin Mary!” Instead, he has his last meal with his boys and then goes off to pray that God’ll give him strength to receive the substitutionary death penalty placed upon his sinless, sacrificial body for our shady ways. And that, my friends, is something no pussy I know would ever do.
– Jesus went to jail and he didn’t squeal about it. Oh, and by the way, they abused him in prison and yet he didn’t cry, freak or scream. That’s dude stuff, Crispin.
– Jesus lost all of his friends and he still plowed on and did what he had to do even though it was the most difficult thing any human being has ever done.
– Jesus stood before the governor, who could’ve let him go, and instead held his ground, stuck to what he knew to be true; which lead to a beating no pussy could stand thirty seconds of.
– Finally, Jesus was executed and it wasn’t for any crime he had committed and it was about as unpleasant an execution that demented minds could imagine… a crucifixion.
– Jesus, after three days in the grave, rises from the dead. That, my friends, is the definition of defiant bad-assedness. Death was not going to hold him down. Can you say… boom?
– Jesus, after three days gone, decided to go mountain climbing with his buddies and then tells their fear-laden backsides to cheer up, he now has all authority, and now go… and change the world… teach the planet everything that I commanded you.
And that, my friends, is a feat that no pussy could ever accomplish; but Jesus did.
Now, do you still want to believe the blather that Jesus was lame and Christianity is for pussies?
Matter of fact, if you want to be a real man, then follow The Man from Galilee.
ClashDaily.com’s, Editor-In-Chief, Doug Giles addresses our nation’s abysmal Pussification in his NEW book …
PUSSIFICATION: The Effeminization Of The American Male
by Doug Giles
PUSS-I-FI-CA-TION*: The act, or process, of a man being shamed, taught, led, pastored, drugged or otherwise coerced or cajoled into throwing out his brain, handing over his balls and formally abandoning the rarefied air of the testosterone-leader-fog that God and nature hardwired him to dwell in, and instead become a weak, effeminate, mangina-sporting, shriveled up little pussy.
* From The Doug Giles 2016 Dictionary of Grow the Hell Up, You Pussy!
Doug Giles, best-selling author of Raising Righteous And Rowdy Girls and Editor-In-Chief of the mega-blog, ClashDaily.com, has just penned a book he guarantees will kick hipster males into the rarefied air of masculinity.
That is, if the man-child will put down his frappuccino; shut the hell up and listen and obey everything he instructs them to do in his timely and tornadic tome.
In PUSSIFICATION: The Effeminization Of The American Male, Giles takes ‘Crispin’ from the unaccomplished, prissy and dank corridors of ‘Pussville’ up the steep, treacherous and unforgiving trail that leads to ‘Mantown.’
“Secretly, everybody’s getting tired of political correctness, kissing up. That’s the kiss-ass generation we’re in right now. We’re really in a pussy generation.” – Clint Eastwood
– Four Signs You’ve Been Pussified
– Bullies Love, And I Mean LOVE, Pussies (especially Big Government goons and Islamic radicals!)
– Dear Christian: You Might be a Pussy … but Jesus Ain’t
– Business Owners Should Avoid Pussies Like the Plague
– Real Women Hate Pussies
– How Parents Can Avoid Raising a Pussy
– Four ‘MUSTS’ For Males To Move From Pussville To Mantown
This is definitely one of the most politically incorrect books to ever hit the market.
It will most certainly offend the entitled whiners, but it will also be a breath of fresh air to young males who wish to be men versus hipster dandies.