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Holder: Some Ethnicities “Biologically Incapable” of Obtaining Voter ID

(From the ‘I Wouldn’t Doubt It’ file…This article is a piece of satire, meant to illustrate the DOJ’s absurd attempts at preventing illegal(s) from voting in certain states. Thank you.)

by Nick Taxia, Writer/Producer,
Wednesday, August 15th, 2012,

(WASHIGNTON) –Responding to more inquiries about the Justice Department’s attempt to stop states like Florida from requiring citizens to produce official identification in order to vote, Attorney General Holder told the Senate Judiciary Committee some ethnic groups in the U.S. were “simply biologically incapable” of obtaining government issued IDs, and declared that requiring all voters provide IDs to vote would be “discriminatory.”

Holder was explaining the DOJ’s recent increase in agents assigned to investigate allegations of “voter suppression” in Florida and other states. But the Committee got more than it bargained for as Holder blurted, “Throughout history minorities and the poor have been prevented from voting by means such as ‘poll taxes,’ literacy tests…. And requiring voters to produce government-issued IDs today is just like those racist practices.”

Continued Holder, “Frankly, much of the anthropological data we’ve acquired concludes that certain ethnicities are simply biologically incapable of obtaining voter IDs.”

Holder added that “non-Westerners” have historically lacked emphasis on people proving who they were through written identification. “In Asia, Africa, and especially Latin America, people were not asked to produce documentation proving who they said they were, even when going to vote … granted the few occasions they were allowed to do so.”

According to Holder, “although there is no ‘physical imperative’ to Hispanics and other ‘ethnicities of color’ obtaining government-issued identification, such requirements would demean the long tradition of trusted, verbal self-identification so common with ‘non-Western cultures’ in the United States, and so would show disrespect if (minorities) were made to produce ‘an official writ’ proving they are who they claim they are.”

“It’s a simple matter of respect,” proclaimed Holder Wednesday. “Either we can honor the traditions of ethnicities in the U.S. who have no historical cultural demand they prove who they are, or we can take a step back to the days of Jim Crow and force people who have no familiarity with proving who they are to do so in a most uncomfortable setting (voting).”

Added Holder, “After all, this is America; we’re founded on ‘inclusion;’ on making people from other nations and cultures feel comfortable. How else can we achieve that unless we allow Hispan…I mean, uhh, ‘people’ to practice the traditions of their native lands?”

Congresswoman Lucille Roybal-Allar (D-CA), member of the Congressional Hispanic Caucus, hailed Holder’s testimony as “long awaited bluntness” and said that if states continue demanding their voters prove who they were before voting, it was now a matter of blatant discrimination.

As usual, Duh Progressive was on the scene to take responses from the Hispanic Caucus’ members. “For years the Judiciary Committee and the Obama administration have been horsing around on this ‘voter ID’ issue,” said Rep. Roybal-Allard. “But now they have made it clear: voter suppression by this petty old matter of ‘who-are-you-thing’ is being laid to rest and will no longer be tolerated by the federal government.”

Florida Governor Rick Scott reacted to Holder’s statements Wednesday, saying, “Up till now I thought the issue of purging our lists of ineligible voters was a matter of election integrity; of securing honesty in a democratic system … But when told we were racist by denying people of certain backgrounds to prove who they were at the (voting) booths … well, what can I say..? On behalf of all Floridians, I’m sorry. I didn’t know we were acting so insensitively.”

Laurie Burgess, PhD, Associate Chair of Anthropology at the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, supports Holder’s reasoning, citing historical evidence that proves one’s identity was a phenomenon mainly contained to Europe. From the bowels of the Smithsonian Institute Wednesday, Dr. Burgess unveiled an ancient 54-pound rock slab with a face and writing on it. Burgess said it was a 40,000-year-old “voters’ license,” recovered from ancient caves in Chauvet, France in 1979. “See, this is proof,” said Dr. Burgess to Duh Progressive. “This is proof that Caucasians valued voter identification long before it became ‘normal’…by Western standards, anyway.”

According to Burgess, ancient Europeans used to carry such heaving slabs with them when they went to do anything necessitating “identity verification,” such as trusting others to insure the safety of their prized possession of rocks (ancient bank accounts), or to join a convoy traveling along dangerous roads (latter-day mass transit systems), and cross borders into other tribes (immigration) to prove who they were, where they were from, and provide “invasive information,” according to Dr. Burgess, on what they planned to do once among the other tribes.

“There’s no doubt about it,” said Burgess, “Europeans then were as racist then by demanding they prove ‘who they actually were’ then as they are now. If we have only one thing to learn from this ancient and horrid slab, it is that no one should be questioned on who they really are under any circumstance.”

Added Burgess, “As heavy as these rocks people carried with them thousands of years ago were, so is equally heavy the burden of people today who are of cultures that never had to identify themselves officially; where they could just go and do anything under any identity they wanted.”

“ …Who are we from day-to-day, anyway..?” added Burgess, “Today I may be Laurie Burgess, but tomorrow I may feel like Tiger Woods…while in a voting booth. I’m just happy we’re living in an age where proving who you are under any circumstance is no longer necessary. Thank God.”

Nick Taxia

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site,, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.

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