“President Obama, Dude, Like, Why Am I Still In Charge of the French Fries?”
Faux commentary by a “disgruntled” former Obama supporter
NOTE: the poor spelling and grammar are intentional – he is, after all, an Obama fan.
(The following is a satirical commentary from a fictitious person)
by Brian Wholegrain,
Eua Claire, WI
Dear Mr. President Obama,
Dude, Mr. President, why am I still in charge of the French fries at McDonald’s? It’s been, like, 4 years and all since you took office and my life hasn’t gotten any better at all.
But it’s been 4 years, Mr. Obama, and I am still in charge of the same French fry department at my town's McDonald’s. I haven’t been made a senior manager, or owner, or been able to buy that Mercedes I always wanted, or that yacht I promised my high school girlfriend in 2008 (and the 6-week-old fetus she was carrying … that wasn’t mine). Yep, Mr. Obama, I still live with my parents, still working the same (expletive) job in the same (expletive) place.
On the night you were elected my buddies and me threw a party. It lasted 8 days. I missed 6 days at work. And when I did show back up to work I was still “feeling it” from partyin’ (if ya know what i'm saying ;) But what did I care? You were president, and everything was going to be okay.
When you got that Nobel Peace Prize the next year I got so excited I threw another party. I made it to work that time, but was late, and my boss told me to leave McDonald’s because I allegedly “reeked of illegal substances” (guy thought he was my dad and stuff).
Then that dipsh** on that cable show called you a racist, and those weird bearded people with flags with snakes on them began protesting everywhere, calling you a tyrant and all Socialismal and (stuff). They made me so mad that I smoked up all day, including at work. I just couldn’t take it. But at least my boss was impressed at my being at work, and on time (but that was only because I was too upset to sleep, so I went in). My boss even asked if I'd like to be a manager, but that’d mean I’d have to wake up at like 5:00 AM 3 days a week and (expletive), and that's just retarded, ya know?
Then you signed that health care thing and we’re all suppose to not get sick anymore, and I took an unexpected but well deserved leave from work to go to the beach with my buds to celebrate. That’s how excited I was, Mr. President! I was suspended from work that time. My boss was pissed, but the joke was on him since we’d all have free health care and eternal health —as if, like, he didn't believe it and all.
So this coming election in December or whenever (which I just heard about today from my mom), I’m just gonna be stayin’ home, man! If you had made stuff better for me maybe I’d get out and vote somewhere, but I’m just gonna stay home. Not that I don’t have to go to work on Election Day, but I’m stayin’ home anyway. I’m just too bummed. Thanks for nothing, Mr. President O-B***hole!
Brian Wholegrain, Manager, Department of Sliced Potato Affairs, McDonald's Corporation, Eua Claire, Wisconsin
(Preceding piece was satire)
Image courtesy of M. Minderhoud