Stevie Wonder Border Guard
Note: The following piece is satire.
Wednesday, September 25th, 2012,
(WASHINGTON) —In a move GOP rival Mitt Romney and fellow Republicans are decrying as “blatantly” and “pathetically” political; an obvious case of election year pandering, the Obama administration announced Wednesday it will be replacing the nation’s current “border czar,” David V. Aguilar, with non-other than music legend Stevie Wonder.
The unexpected appointment has left even notoriously “unbiased” White House reporters in the mainstream press scratching their heads at President Obama’s curiously timed replacement.
“If anyone has ever doubted our resolve to protect and guard our nation’s borders, this appointment should quell that doubt once and for all,” said Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano in a press release Wednesday.
“Mr. Wonder will watch our borders like a hawk,” continued Secretary Napolitano. "His enforcement of our laws will be flawless, and his crackdown will be truly remarkable. We have no doubt hardly an illegally entering resident will get by him.”
The sudden replacement of Aguilar, the current Commissioner of U.S. Customs and Border Protection (aka U.S. “Border Czar”) comes in the face of growing criticism of the Obama administration’s seeming election year laxness when it comes to border security, illegal immigration, as well as the President’s executive order last June halting the deportation of over 800,000 illegal immigrants brought to the U.S. as children. Now, with the new Stevie Wonder Border Czar appointment, White House pundits are not hesitating to point out the thin line of irony on which the administration continues to waddle.
Wrote Washington Examiner columnist Byron York Wednesday, “Yes, Mr. Wonder’s amazing achievements in the music world cannot be denied, but what does he bring to the title of (border czar)? He is exceedingly left-leaning on almost every political issue there can be, has no experience in public policy, immigration, border security, and not to mention the man is as blind as a bat! … No wonder Obama chose him for the position.”
Unlike York, the Wonder appointment has expectedly put proponents of illegal immigration in the U.S. and even the Mexican government on the side of the White House.
“This may be election year politics, but it is still a much more compassionate view on who enters this country and how,” said National Council of La Raza President and Spokesperson For Every Hispanic Person Alive (yes, that is an official title), Janet Murguia, to the Associated Press Wednesday. “We applaud this appointment of Stevie Wonder to watch the U.S.-Mexican borders. We would also like to encourage Latinos who still have relatives living south of the border to inform them of this appointment in case they haven’t heard of it.”
A spokesperson for Mexican President-elect Enrique Peña Nieto said Wednesday that Nieto is “elated” President Obama is replacing Commissioner Aguilar with Stevie Wonder, adding the move shows just how seriously the Obama administration is finally taking the issue of border security.
Neither Wonder nor outgoing Commissioner Aguilar could be reached for comment, but the famous 62-year-old singer’s agent, Boris Lendenthal, said on Wednesday that Mr. Wonder was “thrilled beyond belief” at the opportunity to watch America’s borders.
“From a poor, physically-challenged child to a musical mega-star, to United Nation’s ‘Messenger of Peace,’ to this Border Czar appointment, Mr. Wonder is honored deeply by this nomination,” said Lendenthal to Duh Progressive Wednesday.
“Mr. Wonder is honored and grateful to be given this task of protecting America,” continued Lendenthal, “otherwise he would have had to remain at his current job as an NFL replacement referee.”
Note: The preceding piece was satire.