Forget Clark Kent. Spider-who? The real question is: what would New York do without its Super Nanny? Mayor Nanny (or is it Nanny Mayor?) Bloomberg has fought valiantly against virulent dangers such as large sugary beverages, Styrofoam take-out containers, donating food to homeless people, gratuitous use of table salt, loud music on personal headphones, smoking in public, cooking with trans fats, term limits for himself, the right of Joe New-Yorker to protect himself, use of baby formula in hospitals, and other scourges of humanity.
Mayor Nanny richly deserves not only the thanks of all Big Apple denizens, but all the national accolades we can shower upon this forward-thinking culture warrior. Sure, some point to New York’s rapidly-ballooning pension obligations (around $10,000,000,000), or the meteoric increase in the cost of health benefits for city workers (+69.2% over his 11-year reign), or even the hypocrisy of enjoying the benefit of armed guards who carry concealed weapons while denying citizens the same peace-of-mind, but those fail to see the brilliance of Nanny Mayor’s luminescence.
Given that he has accomplished enough good in 11 years to last 11 lifetimes, El Nanino could be excused for hanging up his spurs and riding off into the sunset, which itself is now more secure since his ban on Styrofoam will likely delay the destruction of the universe by at least a century or two. But Mayor Nanny has more wisdom to bestow on the road to his 2016 Democratic Presidential nomination. When asked last week about the effects of “Sequestration” on New York City, Nanny Mayor strove mightily to put his serfs’ subjects’ minds at ease:
We are spending money we don’t have. It’s not like your household. In your household, people are saying, “Oh, you can’t spend money you don’t have.” That is true for your household because nobody is going to lend you an infinite amount of money. When it comes to the United States federal government, people do seem willing to lend us an infinite amount of money . . . Our debt is so big and so many people own it that it’s preposterous to think that they would stop selling us more. It’s the old story: If you owe the bank $50,000, you got a problem. If you owe the bank $50 million, they got a problem. And that’s a problem for the lenders. They can’t stop lending us more money.
Can I get a big ‘ol WHEW?!? Enough of this Sea-crustacean fear mongering!! Thankfully, we conned enough stupid banks around the world into giving us an “infinite” amount of money that none of them will be able to stop it now. Those little pieces of paper which affirm the validity of the financial obligation this nation owes our lenders might as well come in a 2-ply variety for all they matter to our financial well-being. All I can say is that it really is refreshing to see leaders on the Left taking a serious and responsible approach to fiscal responsibility. One can only hope that Mayor Nanny will demonstrate a similar fiscal wizardry upon his ascension to the office of Santa-Claus-in-Chief.
Let’s put to rest all questions about the wisdom of such a mindset right now. We all know that each nation is assigned a credit rating by independent rating agencies and that these ratings determine how much each nation will have to pay to borrow money. It is true that the more a nation borrows beyond its means, the more likely that nation is to have their rating downgraded and be forced to pay more to borrow money; but surely this doesn’t apply to us, right? I mean, if folks “can’t stop lending us money” then they can’t get mad when we can’t pay it back!
It’s not our fault. We have social obligations to pay for and the Bush Tax Cuts are bankrupting our nation! Our congressional districts need pork. Our labor union bosses need vacations. Our unemployed citizens need another 4 years of being paid not to work. So if our credit rating drops because we borrow too much money, and that makes our debt payments balloon to a level we cannot afford, then we’ll just have to stop paying our lenders back. What are they going to do? We can just print some more money if they won’t play ball, inflation be damned!
Help us, Nanny Bloomberg. You’re our only hope.
“The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.” – H.L. Mencken
