Debate Over Gay Marriage Rages As Nuclear Missiles Fly Towards the U.S.

Written by Nick Taxia on April 9, 2013

With at least two 20-megaton warheads minutes away from detonating over New York, Burnhardt, 43, and other Big Apple residents are vowing not to seek shelter until the Supreme Court rules on “Prop 8” and the Defense of Marriage Act and the issue of gay marriage is settled nationwide.  

Even in the rural hinterlands of the U.S., which stand to be wiped out in a blazing nuclear hell as well, Americans cannot stop the debate over same-sex marriage as their country faces extermination.

lez_activists__LLLLLLLLLLLLSaid St. Louis Mayor Francis G. Slay to reporters minutes ago, “Yes, the national emergency alarms are going off and we all have only 15 minutes to live – but really, what am I suppose to tell Troy and Leonard who own that cute little bed-n-breakfast place on Penrose Street; that they’ll be turned to gay vapor without ever knowing if their love for each other was accepted by their fellow Americans…?  I’m sorry, but this is one fight we cannot pause in finishing.” 

 Nuclear Annihilation Threatening Americans’ Inane Obsessions
Although with studies showing most gays residing in America’s cities, and with those same cities now about to be vaporized, surviving Americans may be disappointed to live in a post-apocalyptic world without many gays, thus no same-sex marriage debate.  And to some, that reality comes as hard as the blazing death from the sky any second.

Trending: Hey CNN: The DNC Is Going Broke, Is That News?

“Not enough gays left alive to continue battling for gay marriage..? We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” said Jarrett Barrios, President of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD).  “For those few of us that live in sparsely populated areas, they may have to crawl out of the ashes tomorrow mutilated, half-melted, having their organs liquefying from radiation poisoning, and may have to keep up the right-to-marry struggle alone.” 

Barrios added that he regretted not setting up a nationwide system that could allow surviving proponents of gay marriage to link up to continue their struggle after Armageddon. 
Celebrity and lifelong gay marriage activist Barbara Streisand said to reporters moments ago that following the nuclear annihilation to come, Americans may have to carry on the same-sex marriage struggle, but only in spirit, as the nation’s gay population will largely be exterminated.

Said Streisand via phone interview, “There may be hardly any gays left after these missiles detonate … but our struggle will continue, no matter what.”

Added Streisand, “Americans are a resilient and enduring people.  I have no doubt we we’ll find another group of generally intelligent, artistic, eccentric people to become erroneously and needlessly obsessed with in no time.”

The preceding is satire.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident.

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site, DuhProgressive.com, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.

 

Join the conversation!

We have no tolerance for comments containing violence, racism, profanity, vulgarity, doxing, or discourteous behavior. If a comment is spam, instead of replying to it please hover over that comment, click the ∨ icon, and mark it as spam. Thank you for partnering with us to maintain fruitful conversation.