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WH’s Jay Carney: “Knew About IRS Before We Did Not Know About It.”

By Nick Taxia

May 28, 2013 at 12:00 pm

(The Following is Satire)

(WASHINGTON) — After numerous scandals that have rocked the Obama administration recently, one of the biggest being the Internal Revenue Service’s harassment of tea party and other conservative groups, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney hardly put out the fire last week when proclaiming to reporters, “We knew about the IRS misconduct before we did not know about the IRS’s misconduct.”

Carney’s statement during his daily press briefing left members of the White House press corps visibly dazed and confused, with one reported sighting of CNN’s Jessica Yellin’s mouth falling so agape in amazement that her chewing gum fell out.

Carney had been fielding rather tough questions recently (as far as the WH press corps is concerned), as issues over the administration’s contradicting statements on the September 11th attack in Benghazi, its secret tapping of Associated Press reporters’ phones, and the IRS scandal have culminated in serving President Obama the worst week in office to date.  Reporters had grown used to Carney sidestepping questions on all three scandals for days, but nothing could have prepared them for his “We knew about the IRS … before we did not know about the IRS (scandal)” statement last Monday afternoon.  And when reporters questioned Carney further, only more brilliance erupted from abyss of PR savvy that Carney has come to symbolize.

Continued Carney, trying to clarify his “we knew before we didn’t know” statement, “…I mean, we knew that we knew of something shady going on at the IRS, but we also did not know that at the same time.  And then we didn’t know we knew, and didn’t know we knew anything before we knew we didn’t know it.  You follow me?”

Added Carney, “Look, there’s already so much this administration has to know, and can only know. No administration can keep track of what it knows and what it knows it does not know from one moment to the next, if they know at all.”

White House reporters sat silent, apparently stunned (according to reporters’ reports from reporters). Eventually, after nearly a 30–second pause, Fox News’ Ed Henry wearily raised his hand to engage Carney.  “So what you’re saying, the White House’s position, is that it knew of the IRS’s bias and invasive auditing of tea party groups, but then you all 'forgot' that information.  Is that correct?” asked Henry.

“No,” replied Carney, showing agitation.  “Stop trying to just drum up a scandal where there is none, Ed.  What we’re saying is that the knowledge of the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups was not known even before we knew we didn’t know that we knew of it.  Then steps were taken to not know that we knew we didn’t know …Seriously, I don’t understand what’s not clear about this.”

After this exchange, Fox’s Henry excused himself from the press briefing.  He was found an hour later drinking himself into an oblivion at the Old Ebbitt Grille, a local bar and restaurant a block from the White House, his notes from the briefing laying on the bar floor, his report never filed.  “I just can’t do ‘dis (expletive) no mo’!” said a severely inebriated Henry to Duh Progressive. “Every administration lies sometimes to an extent.  But this one?  This one?!  Daaaaaamn!”

Added a slurring Henry, after belching ferociously, “Dat’s it.  I’m done.  I’m done being a reporterer … er.  I’m turning my resignation in to Fox tomorrow.  It’s back to weather f–forecastersizing for me.”

Meanwhile, back at the White House the amazing transparency Barack Obama promised his administration would bring to Washington continued.  Said Carney when asked about the tapping of Associated Press reporters’ phones, “Now that we did know about.  But only after we did not know that we had authorized it.  But we’re still not certain.” 

A slap was then heard throughout the White House press room, as Helene Cooper of The New York Times slammed her I-Pad on her lap in frustration.  Cooper then demanded, “Mr. Carney, sir, please, just tell us, clearly, what exactly the White House knew about the IRS and AP intrusions when it knew it.  Please!”

“That’s kind of funny, Ms. Cooper.  I knew you were going to ask me that,” Carney said.

“Why?” replied Cooper.

“Because we tapped your phone and hacked into your I-Pad last week.”

“What the …?!”

“But…” Carney said, cutting Cooper off, “I can say this about us hacking into your phone and I-Pad: we are 100-percent certain … that we are not sure.  Yes.”

The remaining White House press corps members were found shortly after Carney’s briefing alongside Fox News’ Ed Henry, getting thoroughly wasted.

Cheers to transparency.

(The Preceding is Satire)