4. I just went on Ebay and ordered the new improved decoder ring complete with anti-NSA jamming device. I had to put it on my credit card, but I figured “What the heck! You only live the apocalypse once.
5. I’ve sold my iPhone and replaced it with a flock of carrier pigeons for use as my primary communications method. (Truth be told, I mailed my iPhone to Belize in hopes they’ll search for me there when the crap hits the fan.) Oh, and one more thing, in the event the NSA is reading this article as I type, every carrier pigeon possesses a cyanide capsule (just a pinch between their beak and gums is all it takes) just in case they’re captured by a federal agent. (And in the event the pigeon wimps out, I’ve had tiny remote-controlled explosive devices surgically implanted inside their brains. PETA can stuff it on that one. We’re talking self-preservation and extreme measures here.)
6. I’ve just mounted four surface-to-air anti-drone missile launchers on the roof of my house. Yes, they went on my credit card as well. I see it as an investment as they can also be used against black helicopters. (And traitorous pigeons.)
7. I’m burying survival supplies in undisclosed locations all over Michigan. Am I paranoid? No. Is it even possible to be paranoid anymore? Is there anything the government won’t do to its citizens? I think not. (Oh, and did I mention the remote-controlled explosive pigeons hidden inside each of the barrels? Just in case.)
8. I’m having my entire family fitted for the new reality-based tin-foil hats. I found these on Craigslist, so I know they’re good quality. They came with a money-back guarantee, certifying the wearer would never again believe another politician for as long as he lived.
So now, after five years of lies, deceit and cover-up, President Obama can be heard to say:
“What! You don’t trust me? Houston, we have a problem.”
That’s right, Sparky, we have a problem. You are our problem. And we are yours. Get used to it, and prepare to meet resistance.
Image: The messenger of love by pl:Leonard Straszyński; public domain; public domain/copyright expired
