SHOCK:  Study Finds Increasing Number of Obese People Lacking Heads!

Written by Nick Taxia on August 14, 2013

Completely derived from their review of print, network, and cable news’ depictions of America’s obese, Gillman and his team are sounding the alarm, warning that as obese people walking around without heads; miserably destined to assuage their insatiable appetites through just stuffing their food and huffing breaths through their exposed throats and esophagi, they are also at great risk of infection and death due to their gaping wounds from where human heads once sprouted.

The team’s study, “Obesity and Headlessism: America’s Growing Epidemic,” will be published in the American Medical Journal in September and is already getting noticed by many physicians and nutritional experts. Said nationally renowned cardiothoracic surgeon and women’s health expert, Dr. Mehmet Oz, in a statement to Duh Progressive, Wednesday, “I personally have never met an obese person that did not have a head. And I cannot fathom a circumstance under which any person, no matter their weight, could function as a living human being while decapitated.”

“However,” Oz’s statement added, “if these conclusions come from Harvard University, then who am I to judge? They must be true. There is indeed a headless obesity epidemic in this nation and it needs to be addressed at once!”

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident.

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site, DuhProgressive.com, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.

 

Join the conversation!

We have no tolerance for comments containing violence, racism, profanity, vulgarity, doxing, or discourteous behavior. If a comment is spam, instead of replying to it please hover over that comment, click the ∨ icon, and mark it as spam. Thank you for partnering with us to maintain fruitful conversation.