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TERROR! My Horrifying Run-In With … KOREAN PEOPLE!

The following is satire — sort of.

I was petrified, frozen; immobilized in fear, the only part of me yearning to budge was my sphincter, aching to open and shower my pants in a plethora of odoriferous terror….

Indeed, folks, such was my reaction when encountering on a blissful summer afternoon a horrifying, deadly gaggle of…of…KOREAN FAMILIES!

Yes, I know, take a minute to catch your breath, wipe your brow, and ingest what I just stated.

Anyone familiar with the Washington D.C. area probably knows of Great Falls.  It’s a majestic state park and hiking spot Virginia and Maryland share.  While hiking the Maryland side’s arduous Billy Goat Trail last week I was in heaven;  getting a good workout, taking in the sun, enjoying the fresh air and wildlife.  But then they came, or rather surrounded me.

I had no choice but to encounter and fearfully allow them passage, as they chatted and paid no attention to me, initially. They were a troupe of about 18 (eighteen to one –- me!!).  And as I stood like a statue, silent in stone-solid panic, one of their children, around 10-years-old, turned to me and spoke, most dreadfully, “Hi! How are you?”  

His parents spoke Korean to the fiendish 10-year-old boy then, muttering something undoubtedly demonic, demanding his (supposed) sister say something equally abhorrent. And so she did, asking: “Hello. You doing okay?”

Already being encased in fear by these well-dressed, well defined, flawless specimens of supposed humanity, I had no other choice but to mutter back: “Yeah, I’m okay.”

These people were so terrifying!  I saw in how they comported themselves something completely repugnant to America’s contemporary pop culture: self-respect, outward respect; respect for one’s own culture, yet the ability to adapt and adhere to the culture to and in which they were born and raised …how horrid!

By how their parents spoke, I could tell they were immigrants, yet had their children in the U.S. and had made sure they learned English so they could melt into our Western, American society.  They were being respectful by that –- the beasts!   How maniacal, how devilish on their part?  To actually raise one’s children to assimilate to the country and culture in which they were born..?!  Lawd Ha’ Mercy!

“Hello,” said one of the adults, a mother seemingly in her late 30s, breaking from speaking Korean to her (supposed) husband to me. “Enjoying the trail?”

What else was I to do but reply, soaked in dread, “Yep. You?”

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Nick Taxia

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site,, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.