By Tim Young
Clash Daily Guest Contributor
Whether or not we’re ready for it (spoiler alert, we’re not ready for it) Ebola is prime to sweep the nation.
And in case you’re already wondering, according to the left, it’s not President Obama’s fault. Progressive groups are already on the attack blaming Republicans by saying that they cut CDC and NIH programs that could have saved our lives.
It’s a good thing that NIH approved research under this administration has been incredibly valuable and critical to the protection of our union… or not.
Here are 15 studies worth a total of over $10,000,000 in your tax dollars this year alone (keep in mind they run multiple years) that you can analyze while you’re dying of Ebola in the hospital:
1 – Why are Lesbians Fat? $670,567 is budgeted in 2014 for this fine study that I’m sure we will all truly benefit from.
2 – Why do Lesbians Drink a lot and Beat Each Other Up? $446,056 is going to be spent in 2014 to discover what you can essentially figure out with $20 worth of tickets to a Roller Derby game on a Saturday night in a major city near you.
3 – How Can We Stop our Troops from Smoking? This administration can’t fix the V.A. for them and has no problem sending 3000 of them right into the middle of ground zero for Ebola without having a known cure for the disease, so it only makes perfect sense that we spend $394,922 on trying to get them to stop smoking.
I don’t know about you, but if someone is out there putting their life on the line to protect me, I want them to be able to drink and smoke whatever they want.
4 – When you’re drunk or fat, do you get hungrier when you smell delicious food? $400,935 to prove what Epic Meal Time videos on YouTube have proven for years.
5 – Does Alcohol Marketing Make Kids Want to Drink? Why not save the $589,844, give me $59,000 and I can tell you yes… because that’s what the answer is going to be. I mean…look how cool Billy Dee is:
6 – 8 Studying/Developing Video Games for Teaching:
A – Fat people how to stop being fat ($583,509)
B – Kids from spreading HIV ($698,944) Which I’m assuming is just a really boring version of Grand Theft Auto where nothing happens at all.
C – Parents to feed their kids vegetables ($804,254) I think this was actually tried before and known as Super Mario Bros. 2. Turns out though that no one likes radishes that much.
9 – Development of a Stop Your Kids From Being Fat Website We know that this administration is REALLY good at making health care websites, so why not spend $614,797 on the development of another winner that nobody’s gonna use.
10 – Will You Drink More if You’re Harassed in College and at Work? Simple answer: Not if you have Jesus (which is a name I’m sure you’ve yelled a few times reading about this waste so far). Now pay me that $506,369!
11 – Will Combining Alcohol and Energy Drinks Make You Want to Have Sex? $667,038 to study this when, instead of being a bookworm, these researchers could have all the data they needed by going to one or two solid parties in college… or by watching Van Wilder
12 – Building the Center for Humanized Mice – It turns out that the mice we’ve been testing for years aren’t good enough, we need to spend $688,191 to make them look more like this:
13 – A Study that Studies the Way We Study Tobacco Products – It’s so Meta. $2,563,112 to figure out if we’re figuring out Tobacco correctly. A little late for that isn’t it? Also, count me in for $4 million to study the study that studies the way we study Tobacco. They’re going to need that one next.
14 – Analysis of a HANGOVER! $192,162 probably all for alcohol and weird breakfast food combinations, when all they had to do was watch any morning show on New Year’s Day:
15 – A Study of Gay Men in Moscow – Yes. You read that correctly. Forget all those potential threats, nuclear muscle flexing and invasions of nearby countries; we’ve spent $430,556 this year to study gay men in Moscow. And I’m willing to bet part of the testing is asking guys if they think this picture is hot.
If you’ve done the math all the way through, that’s 15 stupid projects at a value of $10,251,266 THIS YEAR ALONE… but it’s the Republicans’ fault for cutting programs.
UPDATE: LITERALLY MORE NIH SH*TTY spending from the UK Daily Mail:
Known as the Republican Jon Stewart and the Young Rush Limbaugh, Young has been a guest on Fox News Channel’s ‘Red Eye,’ Huffington Post Live, RT’s The Alyona Show and dozens of syndicated radio shows.
A respected journalist and pundit, sharing his opinion on politics to millions of people every month. His writing has been featured on the cover of HuffingtonPost.com, Washingtonian Magazine, Patch.com, Voice of Baltimore and other major publications. In 2011, he was Young Member Chair of the National Press Club, representing all media under the age of 35.