ERIC HOLDER: ‘The Only Way To End Racism Is To Never Stop Talking About It’

The following is satire.

My Fellow Americans,

In my last days as your Attorney General I cannot help but reflect on my time as your top law enforcement officer, specifically the last year as your AG.

I’m saddened that my last year in office was marred in controversies involving police-involved shootings and deaths of predominately young African-American men. We all know what I’m talking about.   Naturally these tragic incidents not only revealed existing racism of law enforcement towards the Black community, but racist feelings in general across America.   My last year in office exposed to me how deeply racist attitudes still exist in our supposedly great nation, but also how we can proceed in eradicating racism from our culture once and for all.  And I, your soon-to-be former Attorney General, have the greatest idea of how to erase racism from or society.

Hear me now and listen close: the ONLY way to end racism in America is to never, ever stop talking about it.  Ever.  I’m not kidding.  Talking endlessly about people hating each other based on their race is the only way to stop racism.  Talking about racism and racist acts, our racist history, and racist feelings and racist people to no end, in every conversation, no matter how mundane, is the only way to erase racism.  Trust me on this.  My agency has done studies on this and it obviously makes so much sense!

At the beginning of my term I caused some controversy by saying that America was a “nation of cowards” for not confronting racism enough.  I stand by that now more than ever, and am submitting it as a solution to America’s ingrained, racist ways.  I mean, let’s face it, what casual, amiable, ordinary, everyday conversation about sports, or the terrible winter we’ve been having, or about what a pain your boss is, or relaxed family banter about your kids’ day at school or homework cannot use a healthy injection of a raging shouting and screaming match about racism and all incidents, issues and people pertaining to racism?  If that doesn’t spell “cure for racism” I don’t know what does.

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Please, my fellow Americans, mull over and discuss racism every day, as many times as possible, and to hell with the occasion or circumstances.   That’s the only way to end it.  Even when no situation, be it personal or societal involves racism, please invoke it as much as possible, to the point where everyone around you is nauseated by your talking about it, for that will just prove how far we still have to come to grapple with America’s racist ways.   And when people call you insane or paranoid, or a creep, or threaten to physically harm you if you don’t stop talking about racism?….talk about it EVEN MORE! You’ll be the bell of the ball!

And insert accusations and charges of racism whenever you can, multiple times a day —another sure-fire way to keep the discussion of racism in America alive and healthy!  Even if you’re kicked out of clubs or parties, or fired from work or not invited to family gatherings, still keep talking about racist people and racism in general.  Because, good Lord, we all know how much bringing up the topic of racism needlessly and endlessly lulls people into a state of calm and complacency and happiness, and therefore eradicating it for good.

We are trying to “progress” as a society, and that involves hard work and bit of counter-intuition.  Just think of a paranoid schizophrenic being told that the voices he or she hears are really from the C.I.A., or from aliens, or that the homeless man passed out at the back of the bus is really out to “get them”.  Eventually so many assertions will overwhelm the poor schizophrenic to the point where he/she comes full-circle and realizes, “Okay, all of this paranoia and voices in my head and stuff and urges to harm myself and others cannot be true —it’s just too much to be true…obviously.”   In essence, this is what I want America to do with its racist self.  

Just look at what me and my staff had to deal with in the Ferguson shooting of Michael Brown.  None of the peaceful protest in the outcome of that awful case would have occurred if people just would have discussed racism more…and more…and then even more.  My goodness, just think what would have happened if the people of St. Louis and Ferguson, Missouri had not discussed racists and racism!  There could have been, like, riots and looting and shootings and all, not the humble, peaceful protest August 2014 in Ferguson is known for.  Shwooo..!  What turmoil we dodged with that one, huh?

Look, I can only say this so many times: the only way for us to come to grips with the racism that has permeated our nation since its founding is to not pretend it does not or has not ever existed, as in to move on and admit that, like any other nation, we have sinned and are improving ourselves, but instead to talk eternally about how imperfect we were and still are!   How can we grow together as one nation, discussing racism ad nauseum, to the point when everyone, Black, White, Latino, Asian, Arab, everyone, says they’re sick of discussing racism, but really are in the midst of coming to deal with it, even if they don’t know they’re dealing with it (which I doubt they will).

So please talk about racism to the point where everyone around is driven insane; to the point where even Al Sharpton himself is contemplating suicide!   There’s a way to cure our racist ways, America, and I take no pleasure in saying it, but I do take pride (because it took so much intuition and intelligence only I possess) in saying it: it’s more of the same.   Talk racism to no end…or else it will never end. Get it? Totally logical.
Thank you, and it’s been a pleasure disserving you these last six years.

—Warmest Racism Wishes,

Eric Holder,
Outgoing United States Attorney General

The preceding is satire.