Cold Stone Killers … (Meowwww …)

660px-Domestic_cat_eating_bird_on_lawn-8Killers? You’re probably thinking this is another article about all the psychos in our society and the guns they use to kill innocent victims, but it’s not that at all. Well then, just who is the cold stone killer I’m writing about, you may ask? Maybe grizzly bears, or how about the ferocious great white shark, or maybe some kind of venomous snake?

No, the brutal creatures I’m talking about are cats. That’s right. House cats, feral cats, and the like. Puss-n-boots and Garfield like to come off as sweet and innocent felines, but Sylvester may actually betray the true nature of cats. Cats have a blood thirsty side for birds. Tweety-bird would’ve been lunch about a million times over if that cartoon was true to reality. A recent study by the Fish and Wildlife Service has determined that every year cats kill as many as 3.7 billion birds in the continental U.S. alone.

Yes, that was billion with a B. Wow … that’s a lot of birds. Why have we not heard of this before? Cat lovers apparently are complicit in one of the largest ongoing bloodbaths the world has ever seen. Who knew? Feline aficionados act like cats are harmless, cuddly, and cute. The media has portrayed them as innocent little fuzz balls, when in truth they are vicious, clawed, banshees, wielding out death at every turn.

The story even gets worse if you add in rabbits, mice, voles, and shrews. Does anyone even know what a vole is? Anyway, if we include these helpless mini-creatures the total number of murdered rodentia climbs to 20.7 billion dead.

When will the rodents of the world be protected? Where is the outrage? Does no one care about the blind mole happily minding his business digging holes in your yard? Out of nowhere, BAM … pounces a clawed demon ripping him limb from limb.

That’s not all, cats are even worse than our CIA. Cats engage in torture. Most people don’t know just how evil cats really are. Cats don’t kill quickly and painlessly. Oh no, they do a lot more than water board their prey. They “play” with their victim, teasing it, and waiting patiently for it to attempt to escape only to pounce upon it again and again. Cats actually enjoy mentally torturing the hapless victim before ultimately devouring it.

What’s to be done? Maybe it’s time to control the population by employing a Cat Hunting Season? The obvious answer to the study is that we have to regulate the number of cats running wild. Feral cats could be controlled by placing a bounty on their heads. Rednecks have been shooting feral cats for years for the sheer joy of it. Think how many could be eliminated with even a small bounty.

House cats would need to be registered with the state. Every so-called “tame” house cat would be required to be put into a national registry. Once a complete national registry is in place we could then limit the number cats each American is allowed to have. In certain cases, the government may have to confiscate some cats and euthanize them. Cat lovers could possibly apply for some “credits” to offset the damage to other species that their cat inflicts upon the world, thereby offsetting their “cat footprint”.

It goes without saying that people who “love” cats may be upset by this, but it’s only fair to the birds of the world. Everyone will be asked to do their part for the birds and mice. The times of buying cats anytime you feel like it or just because you want one are over. I know this sounds like I am writing a spoof article, but I’m not! I am personally not a cat person and have euthanized my share of them growing up on the farm. This article is absolutely serious. In the past, I may have laughed this idea off, but with the way our world is going, this is possible. The statist/progressives will use any method necessary to control every aspect of our lives, even our cats.

The study makes it perfectly clear that they believe people have been misled on the true nature of cats. With that said, things have to change as far as controlling them. Cat people … this is your warning. This is your wake up call. The more powerful our “State” becomes nothing will be off limits to their controls.

It may seem funny to talk about a “Cat Registry” but a study like this leads one to believe that it’s coming. In the name of fairness, throw in some environmental impact and you’ve got quite a package. Cat people unite or get ready to turn in some of your extra putty-tats, especially your clawed ones. I can see it now. A future headline … Cats – Cold Stone Killers!

Image: Domestic black and white cat eating bird;; source: originally posted to Flickr as Bad kitten; author:dr_relling; Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license

About the author: S.C. Sherman

S.C. Sherman grew up a farm kid in rural Iowa. He graduated from the University of Iowa with a degree in Communications Studies. Steve is a business owner, and recently ran for Iowa State House of Representatives.. S.C. enjoys political commentary and great stories. He has written three fiction novels found at scsherman.com. He currently lives with his wife and four children in North Liberty, Iowa.

View all articles by S.C. Sherman
  • Todd

    Shooting cats for fun? This webisight is INSANE!

    • DrDulcamara

      Obviously satire is lost on you, Todd honey. Grow a sense of humor.

      • VicBailey

        Cats taste a whole lot like chicken! Semper Fi.

    • Stan

      You can borrow my gun, Todd. Maybe Obama will give all of you a free weapon so as you can kill more cats.. Here kitty, kitty! No, I am kidding we have a cat, and it is nature for them to try to get birds. There are owls that carry off cats, should we then kill the owls? Satire is not your suite is it? lol

    • leewacker

      Yes, that does happen. When I worked in the cotton fields in Arizona, the big deal for the big truck bunch was to run down pets–both cats and dogs—at night when the truck bunch was out terrorizing the neighborhood!
      So sad for a school-age kid to come out the door to catch the bus and see his cat or dog squashed in the middle of the road!

  • VicBailey

    I think that EVERY cat that is NOT in a house, there should be an OPEN SEASON on them, like it was as it was when I was a kid! Even the Game Wardens back then had NO QUALMS about shooting them. But this country has become a country of BLEEDING HEARTS country but for the WRONG REASONS. Cats like Starlings, English Sparrows, walking Catfish, Pythons, Boa Constrictors, Monkeys, Pigs, Nutria (coypu) and all the rest of the non American creatures need destroyed. They are destroying our native wildlife at alarming rates! Just because the city folks get tired of them and turn them loose, instead of being responcible people, and taking them to where they could find another owner or be destroyed as should be, it is supposed AGAINST THE LAW to turn these creatures out in the wild! Semper Fi.

    • Frank37

      Vic bailey………I have a 500lb tiger that i want to bring over to your house for a visit.You and your big mouth should be open season for him.

  • tom riddle

    Lets see first they register people, then they register dogs, then they register cars, then they register guns now they want to register cats. There is a law that bicycles are considered motor vehicles and to abide by the same laws. They don’t, not enforced. They should be required to register and insure their bicycles. Then they will register toilet paper and soap. That is what a socialist state is all about. By the way the last is coming. The fda is going to have supermarkets spend 1 billion to make food safe for sheeple.

  • Songbirde

    This has been happening for millennia, people… it’s NATURE!!! WAKE UP!!! They needed to spend money on a STUDY for this??? What a waste. :-/

  • conserve1

    Hmm the study did not include snakes, I wonder why?

  • terrie

    I wish the cat food industry would make a better more liked cat food for felines. I have had dogs and cats, many, over the years and I have one cat left, 11 years old, and he ABSOLUTELY NEEDS FRESH MEAT not dry cardboard food. They are predators and were built to crunch live meat and bones and innards. During the winter there is not much to choose from plus it gets down below freezing most days and nights. He gets little bladder infections during winter and he gets better in spring when mice, moles and birds become his ‘happy meal’ again.

  • leewacker

    Sorry, but no one, but NO ONE is going to hurt my cats! Birds are fine, but they do carry diseases, and while cats have been responsible for a reduction in ground-nesting birds in the Saguaro National Park, responsible cat owners do try to keep them at home. Far better than dog owners who allow their mutts to run free at night, and turn a blind eye to the destruction those dogs do packwise to both cattle ranchers and sheep ranchers! I lost a good dozen young chickens to a stray dog one time, promising layers, too!
    Yes, I have a dog—one that stays in the house, is only allowed out if I am with her. However, she is a dog, and if she got into a pack, then I would shoot her as quickly as I have other dogs!

  • Cane247

    Yeah Sherman that’s what we need; more regulations and licensing cats. What an ass.

    • TexasLady

      He’s kidding…sort of. It’s satire.

  • zagozana

    Tommy Piddle…

    The fda (FDA) is going to have supermarkets spend 1$ billion to make food safe for sheeple.?
    What do you want Russian Roulette with you health and wealth?
    Go right ahead and eat everything.

    Trust every food producer to protect you on their own, right!

    Trust the drugs coming into this country and the ones made

    here to be save and effective as descried.

    Ya, there is no reason to distrust them. Right!
    Your life is that important to you. Go ahead eat all the crap you can.
    I hear that snake oil is go for small brain disease.

    It says it on the label.
    As for cats, they are a danger to us as well. They carry diseases, too.

    3.7 billion birds! I wish they would only go after starlings but they don’t.
    Go eat cats.

    • nobodysfool

      And you, Fool, trust the FDA to give you safe food??? The FDA is the fine organization that forces people to vaccinate their children with shots loaded with mercury, which in turn has produced a national tragedy of children with autism. Thanks, FDA. Thanks, also, for approving of untested medications which have produced incurable diseases due to misuse of (bad) drugs. I will grow as much of my own food as possible and be very picky about the rest of it. But I will not trust the FDA to “give” me safe food, any more than I trust them to break lockstep with Big Pharma.

  • nobodysfool

    My cat is a democRAT–a total welfare recipient. She has never worked for one perk that she receives. oBlamer would be proud.

  • Jane

    House cats are not native to this continent, and should not be allowed to roam free. England has already seen a near-complete destruction of its songbirds because of cats, and we will see that happen here unless we do something about it.

  • Frank37

    Mr.Sherman: How would you feed your family? How would you like to have to hunt for their food every day.What would you kill………Cows,deer,dogs,cats,horses,ETC,ETC. GOD provides food for every animal,including birds.Cats can’t buy their groceries at a store like you.

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