Hello, Ricky. I’m writing in response to your recent death threat. It was weird but I have to admit that your talk of spilling my blood and God smiling down upon you in approval excites me. I was so excited that I bought another Smith and Wesson in your honor. This leads me directly to the point of why I’m writing back to you.
Every time I get a death threat I let the person making the threat answer two questions that will dictate the circumstances of his demise. Please pay careful attention to the following questions.
1. What are your preferences concerning shot placement?
You may or may not have loved ones who will want you to have an open casket funeral after your unsuccessful attempt on my life. If you do want an open casket funeral, you will probably want me to take a body shot when I successfully defend myself. However, a head shot will hasten your death and will therefore be less painful. But before you answer this question, you may want to review the options in regard to question #2. Either way, I’ll respect your decision despite the disrespectful attitude you’ve taken toward me in our brief and contentious relationship.
2. What are your preferences concerning bullet size?
In addition to allowing you to decide where you will be shot, I’ll allow you to choose the type of round I’ll use to stop the attack. Fortunately, we have a lot to work with, here.
.22lr. I don’t think it’s a good choice for self-defense, though. From your perspective, it might draw things out a little longer than necessary. But I wanted to put this option on the table just in case you’re an organ donor. This little round could do the job while minimizing damage to organs you might wish to donate.
.22mag. The advantage of this is that I can thread it through a tear duct and thus preserve the prospect of an open casket funeral. Your call, bro. I’m willing to work with you.
.223. My assault rifle isn’t as accurate since I put a flash suppressor on the end of the barrel. But it does provide us with another option. To be honest, I would like to prove to Piers Morgan that assault rifles really can be used in self-defense.
.243, 30-30, 30.06, .375. I have a number of deer rifles but all of them use rounds that have too much velocity. These are not ideal if I have to defend myself in a neighborhood setting. Please, think of the neighbors before you select one of these.
45-70. Don’t even think about this one. This is a bison round that could knock a man clean into the next county. Let’s move on to our handgun options.
9mm, .40, .45. As you can see, I have a few options in the semi-automatic pistol variety. Don’t make the mistake of choosing one of these simply because you think it will allow you to get within close range of me before I shoot you. I once shot a tennis ball off a crate at sixty yards with just one shot attempt without using my laser sight. (That was my .40 and I tend to be even more accurate with my 9mm and my 45 ACP).