If you’re in your late teens and you get shot after assaulting a neighborhood-watch supervisor, and you want someone else to get blamed for your behavior, here are thirteen tips to make you look like an “innocent child” that loves Skittles, doing math and riding horses versus a gangbanger-in-waiting.
1. Don’t have pictures on social media, or on your cell phone, of your holding guns like a gangsta. If you do take pictures with firearms, make certain the weapon is held properly, away from the camera, with your finger off the trigger and it does not give off the I’m-a-criminal-in-training vibe. Just a thought.
2. Don’t have multiple pictures of your inhaling weed floating around on either social media or in your cell phone where the police can retrieve them and use them against you. This, too, hampers the “innocent child” motif.
3. Also, when you do flip off the camera, go with the one-hand F-you, rather than the double finger fongool. The double-finger F-you is too over the top. One F-you should suffice as it’ll show that you are a gentleman that has restraint and are an innocent soul, almost … child like.
Indeed, the one-finger F-you can easily be explained as innocuous, childhood banter between chums. For example, “Hi, do you want to play? No? Okay, F-you. Have a good day, talk to you later”. See?
The double F-you is harder to explain away as it gives more of an “F-off and die”, adultish message via the two foul hand gestures which definitely are not childlike. Just pray about it and see what Jesus says.
4. Don’t call a neighborhood-watch volunteer a “creepy-ass cracker” just before you assault him. If you do call someone this racist term, make certain you do not say it to your friend who’s going to rat you out during a future cross examination in court.
5. While we’re on the topic of friends, be careful to establish credible friendships with young men and young women who don’t talk smack in court to lawyers, appear horrid on television, who can read cursive and they’re not … uh … um … inconsistent in their testimony.
6. Try to limit how many times you say, “motherf’er” on Twitter as it looks un-childlike when it’s thrust into the court of public opinion.