By Tim Young
Clash Daily Guest Contributor
For years, men have struggled with actions that define them as men. Yes, we know that hunting, fishing, having some great beer, and enjoying a great Safari Cigar are amongst some of the many things that we can do to be manly; but how many times have we thought about stuff that dudes absolutely can NEVER do with other dudes?
This information is so critical to your very existence that we encourage you to print it out and keep these notes in a safe place for quick reference if you’re ever confused.
10. Share an Umbrella.
We don’t care how rainy it is outside, you aren’t splitting an umbrella with another dude. Who’s going to hold the umbrella? Are you going to both try to grip a handle? We didn’t think so either. One of you is dry and the one who didn’t bring an umbrella is out of luck.
9. Poke on Facebook.
Dudes don’t poke other dudes on Facebook. If you’re a dude and don’t know what poking is, NEVER take the time to learn about it. Just don’t do it. You aren’t poking your buddies in real life, so why do it on the Internet in the privacy of your own home? See how that sounds? No go.
8. Give a Massage (foot, back, or any other place)
“Aww… poor baby…. You had a rough day and your back is sore? I’ll help you with that,” is not a phrase a dude says to another dude. That’s a definite chick to dude conversation. Dudes don’t complain about their long day working. They suck it up, grab relaxing refreshments and sit on the couch.
7. Share Dessert.
I personally had this experience. A buddy of mine told me his cheesecake dessert at dinner was delicious but “a bit heavy” and asked if I wanted to share it with him. At no time would two dudes be out at dinner with 2 forks and cheesecake. The restaurant can either split the dessert in the back onto separate plates… or one of you is out of luck.
6. Shop Together*
*If it isn’t for hunting, fishing, sports equipment that’s above the waist, a hot new car, videogames, alcohol or smokes, then what are you shopping for?
Dudes don’t need other dudes to reaffirm their style or lack thereof.
5. Sit Directly Next to Each Other in Movies
Bottom Line: when the spacer seat is available, you take it. That seat is used for extra legroom, jackets, the bucket of popcorn and not being up on top of each other with the chance to comingle drinks. Movies aren’t sports, there’s no need to be crowded in next to one another… ever.
4. Instagram pictures of yourself shirtless with other shirtless dudes
No one wants to see that.
3. Hold Hands in Public
This isn’t the Middle East or Europe or wherever that it’s common for close dude friends to hold hands when they walk around in public. Seriously, that’s a thing. In America, dudes just don’t hold hands with other dudes for more reasons than needing both hands free to shoot at potential attackers and text about it simultaneously.
2. Tickle Fight.
I was hanging out with a female friend of mine and her fiancée showed up with his dude friends. They started tickle fighting with each other. Tickle fighting… seriously. I turned to her and said, “I sure hope he tickle fights you harder than them.”
1. Do-It-Yourself Jean Shorts.
No need to explain this one.
Known as the Republican Jon Stewart and the Young Rush Limbaugh, Young has been a guest on Fox News Channel’s ‘Red Eye,’ Huffington Post Live, RT’s The Alyona Show and dozens of syndicated radio shows.
A respected journalist and pundit, sharing his opinion on politics to millions of people every month. His writing has been featured on the cover of HuffingtonPost.com, Washingtonian Magazine, Patch.com, Voice of Baltimore and other major publications. In 2011, he was Young Member Chair of the National Press Club, representing all media under the age of 35.