SINGLE LADIES: Seven Signs That You’re Dating a Douche

The old adage says that love is blind and that marriage is an eye opener. Dad, have your girls tuck these things into her psyche (and into her bra) as helpful hints to avoid dating a dilatory dillweed and potentially marrying the man from hell. Ladies, you owe me for this one.

1.  Does he expect you to get plastic surgery? Y’know, keeping one’s self attractive for each other is one thing. Having a boyfriend suggest that you go under anesthesia and a flippin’ scalpel because he prefers certain types of breasts, lips, nose or hips is quite another.

Girls, if that is what your man is hinting or outright demanding that you do, then you, my friend, have a moron in your midst and your bullshit detector should be shattering your ear drum about now. Look, if I were a girl I wouldn’t stick sacks of boat chalk (silicone) into my chest for anyone. If you wish to do it for whatever reason, so be it. But do not, under any circumstance, go under the knife for some tripod hooked on porn that’s trying to get you to carve up your carcass in order to look like spankmeister’s favorite online lady.

However, before you tell him to get lost, have some fun with him and tell him you’d prefer him to get some lipo, remove his third nipple, trim his Adam’s apple a tad, get some micro mini grafts and a penis implant. See how the me-monkey likes having the guns turned on his challenged areas.

2.  Does he hang out with horndogs? If he’s hanging out with guys who hate their wives, who love to indulge in the superfluity of naughtiness and who are out to convert the faithful to the Cult of Infidelity, that’s a bad sign—if you like fidelity, that is. Be not deceived: His bad company will land him in a strip club or an illicit affair, and you’ll end up crying on your pillow and stabbing his photograph.

3.  Does he have a frickin’ job? Ladies, you don’t want a guy who does not work his butt off. I know feminism has sold you on being the breadwinner, but trust me, the “I’m in love” buzz will soon wear off the longer your boyfriend stays unemployed. Sure it will seem okay for a couple of months as he is “finding himself,” but after a year of you bringing home the drachmas while he masturbates and watches YouTube all day . . . well, trust me, that will get real, real, real, real old. Also, not only should he get a job, but he should be aggressively making certain that he is constantly excelling at what he does and thereby securing for himself some serious flow.

4.  Does your boy toy lead? I know, I know, metrosexual devilish misandry has taught men to be the little princesses; however, God would like men to rise up and play the Spartan in the spiritual, physical and financial well-being of a relationship.

If he shoves everything off onto you, the girlfriend, you got yourself a Twinkie. And no girl worth her salt wants a Twinkie. Tell him to pull his head out from his buttocks, shake the irresponsibility from his soul, reject passivity and now go be a courageous leader. If he does this consistently for the next, oh . . . let’s say, ten years, then you can think about once again dating the dandy.

5.  Does he fart at the dinner table? Girls what did Aretha Franklin teach you? What did she tell you through song? R-E-S-P-E-C-T that’s what. If you don’t, he won’t. Remember, I warned you.

6.  Does he still speak to his old girlfriends? Do you really need me to explain this one further unto you?

7. Do we really need a number 7?

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  • getthelibsout

    7. if THAT’S his pic!!!!

  • SiRobertson

    You are so right!

  • luciteehee

    You forgot the “BAG”! As in ‘douche bag’? I’m well acquainted with the terminology since I WAS married to two of them!

    • Don.B

      You should have learned from your first mistake.
      Going for a third try?

      • luciteehee

        NO durned WAY! I have my God, my children, my grands, my great-grands, my family and friends! No jealousy, tension, apprehension, anxiety, or controlling husbands to mess it up! I am weaned for good! I adore my male companion but he knows the minute he wiggles his eyebrows in a serious way he will be history! But thanks for asking!

        • Tom Smith

          You sound like a bitch.

  • Don.B

    Sadly. This is what women seek.
    The weak, Muscle bound, Jock, Who sleeps around. And is just good in bed.
    Women are so fake these days!
    They wouldn’t know a good man if he actually told them about his aspirations for life and his accomplishments. …………….
    Ohh. whatever..
    This it It……Here is the scenario….
    Girl….Ohhh, your dad owns a business?
    Guy…Yeah, I am helping to ruin the company…..(im rich so it doesn’t matter).
    Guy…..Would you like another drink?
    Girl…. Yeah, cool.
    Guy… I love going to the gym..
    Girl… Oh my god me too!
    Guy… So ann. Do you want to come back to my little apartment?
    Girl…. My name is not ann… But sure. Id like that!
    Guy…. I can show you my baseball trophy that I got in third grade.
    Girl… cool!.
    ##############.. Ten years later…
    Girl….You jerk. I should have never married you and had 2 kids with you! (kids crying),
    Guy… Yeah well you liked the sex…
    Girl… Oh my god!… Your so lame in bed. We haven’t had sex in years!
    Guy…Wait.. I have to answer this call… (hey babe)
    Girl… Im leaving.. I have to go shopping! (she is really going to meet her new boyfriend)
    Guy… Good Leave!
    Next… The lawyer is making big dollars.
    All because the real men in this country are Passed over because we may not be perfect looking little rich boys that flaunt their good looks, and live off of their parents money.
    Hollyweird has really messed up our culture.
    Men and woman both……..
    so peeps….
    I am going to go split some wood now.!!!!! Make a ham. And change the gears in the rear end of my antique truck!
    Ohh. and im going ice fishing afterwards.
    Real mens stuff….
    Maybe ill go target shooting tomorrow…(come join me girls).
    Ohh…Wait…. I need some new clothes, and a new book to read, so I need to go to the mall as well!..
    Wanna join me?
    Girl….I can’t. I am going shopping with Jessie..(mans name).

    • Ricarrdo estavans

      You must have been hurt really bad.

      • Don.B

        haven’t we all at some point?

    • JJ

      Holy mackerel, with that loser attitude of yours you will never score a woman. Your bitterness is going to drive them away worse than bad breath and a big gut. You are delusional, and hung up on the delusions you obsess over.

      Girls dump bad guys (at least eventually), and stay with the good ones. Be a good one and you’ll get a good woman. The hard part is actually becoming a good guy, and NOT just thinking you’re a good guy. If I had a dollar for every acehole who truly thought he was a good guy (but wasn’t), then I could pay off America’s debt.

      • Don.B

        Thanks for putting me straight on the art of being a man.
        I did not become a “good guy”. I didn’t have to “Try” to be a good guy.
        I am a man.
        I was just putting out a scenario that I think you have been a victim of.
        And if you haven’t. Well good for you. Congrats!
        Looser attitude? No. Im a winner. And until I meet a woman who will love me and uphold me for the hard working man I am. Then I will uphold her and love her for the hard working woman she is!
        And together we can be strong. And make it together!
        Are you the guy in that picture?
        Because if you are. Your a selfish, conceded, Mindless, Fleck of a man.
        Do yourself a favor. Go learn how to use an axe. And do your own oil changes and tire rotations. For this is what men do.
        Build your own log cabin!
        I did.

      • Don.B

        Go back to the gym.
        Im going fishing.
        After I change the oil in my girlfriends car.
        And she uses a 6 foot rod. and loves her mepps spinner baits.

  • AG Dot Com!

    Is that an actual photo of an actual guy???? Holy crap. Back in the 80s we would have beaten his a$$ just for looking like that.

    • sick of hypocrisy

      LOL. Damn you are absolutely right. This guy would’ve had the shyt kicked out of him. That is IF that is a guy?? What a douchebag. Lol

    • Lari

      Afraid so guys, that’s what’s tip toeing around now and proclaiming to be a man. It’s sad when you see more and more men waxing their eyebrows, shaving their body hair off, getting mani pedis and wearing make-up prancing around thinking it’s manly.

      • AG Dot Com!

        That’s why I love my gal from a dirt road town. She doesn’t make me shave, likes my jeans, boots & flannels and even encourages me to go hunting!

        • Lari

          The more Duck Dynasty a man looks the better in my book.

      • Guest

        They are disgusting! Its hard not to stop and just stare at them like the circus freaks they are.

    • Donald Joy

      Jersey Shore

      • AG Dot Com!

        So, not an actual guy then. Just some loudmouth greaser kid who cries when he gets a paper cut.

        • Donald Joy

          They actually do look/act like that on the Jersey Shore

          • AG Dot Com!

            [ hangs head, sighs ] … why?… What happened to Wise Guy Cool? Couldn’t they take their cues from Tony Soprano if they’re going down that road, instead of some freakish combination of Vanilla Ice, Scooby Doo, and Madonna?

          • Donald Joy

            The eyebrows

          • AG Dot Com!

            [ kicks puppy, walks away ]

          • Jason Hunt

            Scooby Doo! lol

    • Thomas Sharp

      A homosexual oompa loompa on steroids is no match for my daughter.
      Her BS detector would have her whooping his butt and making him cry.

  • tom cook

    Just a suggestion: make your little website legit–stop submitting every controversial comment to “moderation.” It just makes you anoter little prissy cowardly MSNBC type of shithole.

    • TRex

      I doubt does that you moron. It’s probably those who hate your foul take on things. Here’s a suggestion: shut up and grow up.

    • Ben Name

      I hate MSNBC.

  • Phil

    Farting at the table is a compliment to the chef in most european countries.

    • Bonney Bacon

      Dude, that’s burping or belching not farting–

    • AG Dot Com!

      Screw Europe.

    • Sam

      You fart at my table and you will be wearing your dinner.

    • Ben Name

      That’s Mongolia.

    • Bohica

      Ha ha ha. That’s funny.

  • cambeul41

    “6. Does he still speak to his old girlfriends? Do you really need me to explain this one further unto you?”

    I am afraid this is not as obvious to me as it is supposed to be. I would think that being on friendly, or at least civil, terms with ones former romantic interests is desirable, but I can also see that that friendliness might set off alarms in the heads of current romantic interests.

  • Sam

    The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.

    • Ben Name

      You should see the conversation about the book the 4th graders are reading. You might not agree with them there.

      • Sam

        I saw it and I think it is sickening. That’s when I pull my child out of school and teach at home. I didn’t even know what masturbation was in the 4th grade, or a condom. Why in the world do they think young kids need to know this? Kevin Jennings, the school safety “tzar” wrote a book called “Queering of the Schools”. The forward was written by the founder of NAMBLA, a pedophile organization. He is behind all the sex education in the schools. It’s time for revolution.

        • GK77721

          The fact that 16 and pregnant and teen mom are actual things that exist seems like more than enough reason to start sex education earlier. Whether we like it or not, kids have access to a lot of information, good and bad, especially since they start using technology at such young ages. Its our responsibility to make sure they get the right kind of information. But in terms of people that support nambla, they can burn in hell for all i care.

    • Grammy

      I would have to disagree. The most important relationship one should have is with God, then oneself.

  • Ian

    The guy in the picture is the poster boy for “Gay UK”.

  • Straight Shooter

    Judging from the picture they forgot “I tease my eyebrows and like boys better than girls”.

  • David S.

    Yes, men should be men….and women should be women. It goes both ways. Time for BOTH to grow up and act the way it was expected back in the day. Both genders are equal. Want respect? EARN it! That goes for both men AND women – neither is faultless.

    • Hank

      Funny how all these things also fit “THE DOUCHE FEMALES” in life. Just another biased opinion. There are many !! Watch out guys, for the gold diggers,
      whinny mama’s girls. shopping fanatic’s, FEMINIST,NAZI-BITCHES. The ones who love to start trouble and then call the cops when you holler back at em !
      Watch out for the ones who like to slap/hit men and then call the cops when you treat them the same way !!! Lots of traps out there guys !!

    • jubilee

      hmmm it seemed to go ‘downhill’ when women started wearing PANTS for EVERYTHING (like the late 80s forward)… “like attracts like”.. if we want a masculine man, we should wear the clothes of a feminine woman. ( i don’t mean miniskirts) A-line dresses or something at lower knee length and comfortable is a good start
      I also knew we were in ‘trouble’ when MEN started piercing their faces and shaping their EYEBROWS too MUCH..
      I DON’T like unibrows, but NO SHAPING LIKE A FEMALE.. similar to this dude.

  • Bohica

    That’s Billy Idol’s evil spawn from hell! Lol

  • SB_Smith

    I’ll add a few.
    If your dog (or cat) doesn’t like him….he’s OUT.
    How about if No One among your family or friends like him ?
    I’d consider that a red flag, also.
    How about , If he spends more time in front of a mirror than you do.

    • Grizzly907

      Or if he spend more time worrying about how his ass looks than looking at your ass.

  • Ben Name

    The first sign is they are reading things on this website.

    • Thomas Sharp

      Is her name Ben? If so they will bend over for anything.

  • infidel81

    The pink IZOD shirt with the popped collar – part of the uniform of the American Douche-Bag.

  • Grizzly907

    Sadly women are attracted to the douchebags, metro boy ninnies, and jack wagon supreme’s. I think they go out, and marry douchebags so they can boss them around. A real man would put them in check really fast and a lot off the soulless whores in America can’t handle strong, masculine, logical and linear thinking type of guy.

    • speciallist


  • GK77721

    So glad that I don’t have daughters. If I ever do for some reason, she’ll immediately go to a female only convent. For all she will know, her dad will be the only guy that exists in the world lol. Problem solved.

  • Billca

    The only one of these that strikes me as being questionable is if the guy still talks to former girlfriends. I’ve had a couple who I’ve kept in contact with over several years, even after they were married. But that’s because we have re-defined our relationships and know what the limits are (neither wants to revisit old wounds). As a general rule though, yeah. If they’re still talking scope out whether they are just friends or if they’re keeping their “options” open.

  • Tom Smith

    Chicks dig jerks.

    There’s nothing else we need to know.

    To attract the women, you’ve gotta be a jerk, bad boy, and–yes–a douche.

    For some of us (ahem) it comes naturally. For some of you guys, it comes with practice.

    Later dudes, you can find me at the Chateau.

  • TheTyger

    I take issue with #6–I was lucky enough to have one ex-boyfriend actually become a friend later on after we broke up. He’s a manly man, never a metro, and makes no excuses.

    Not sure how it happened, but we’re friends, and that’s it. I’ll cook for him anytime, but we’re not getting back together. Ever.

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