THOSE WHO CAN, DO! Scenes from the End of the “Gay Marriage Loophole”

With all the world seemingly falling apart around us, as we head into the holiday weekend, we’re going to go a different direction here, and try to put a little lighthearted spin on one of the catastrophes that have just befallen us. Please read and enjoy–then go out for fireworks, hot dogs, and barbecue, sing patriotic songs, and remember the America we once had:

Now that they can marry, gay Americans may find themselves with more than they bargained for. If, as the Supreme Court maintains, a gay relationship is just like any other relationship, then there are moments of life that they have hitherto not been experiencing, due to the fact that they in fact could not get married whether they wanted to, or not. It’s the “or not” part I’m talking about here. You “nots” are about to find yourself in a whole new world.

SCENE 1:

(Rod Serling voice-over): Submitted for your approval. One gay couple in America, circa June 26, 2015. They’ve worked and hoped and fought for gay marriage to be legalized since Hillary Clinton changed her mind a few months ago. Now, it’s real…

VOICE ON TELEVISION: And the Supreme Court has ruled, in a close, 5 to 4 decision, that gay marriage is now legal across all 50 states. Reaction is coming in from around the nation, and around the world….

GAY AMERICAN #1: We won! We won! I can’t believe it! We finally won! After all this time, gay marriage is legal! [GAY AMERICANS #1 AND #2 kiss and hug]

GAY AMERICAN #2: I know! It’s unbelievable! Gay marriage! I can hardly believe it! We—all of us—can get married!

GA1: I know! (Sighs.) So….when are we going to do it?

GA2: Wow! It’s just so…amazing…we…uh, what?

GA1: When are we going to get married?

GA2: When are WE….um….get…what?

GA1: Now there’s NOTHING standing in our way! It’s so exciting! We have to start planning right now! So, the first thing we have to do is pick a date! And then there’s the hall, and the flowers, and the cake—now they have to bake that cake! Should we get the license first, or hire the hall? Oh, this is so thrilling!

GA2: Yeah. Um, about that…..

SCENE 2:

[Cell phone rings}

GAY AMERICAN #3: Hello. Oh, hi, Mom. Yes, yes, I heard the news. Yes, it’s very exciting. We’ve been waiting for marriage equality for so long, almost a decade, and now, after millennia of straight marriage, we finally got it. Yes, Mom, it iswonderful!

What?

I’m sorry, Mom. What did you say?

What do you mean, when am I getting married?

Well, yes, I am seeing someone, but it’s not—Mom, I don’t—

Yes, I know I’m over thirty, but lots of people are single at my age—

No, Mom, I don’t want to be fixed up with…I’m sure your dentist’s cousin is a nice….No, Mom, please don’t help me with this….Because I don’t….Well, Mom, I’m sure I don’t know why you signed all those petitions if I wasn’t going to—

Because I don’t want to!

Mom, I have to go…I’m going into a building now, so we’re going to lose…Goodbye, Mom!

And, once employers figure out how the game works, there will be this conversation, as well:

SCENE 3:

[Door slams]

GAY AMERICAN #4: I’m home!

GAY AMERICAN #5: Hey, how was work?

GA4: Not that good. It looks like we have to get married now.

GA5: (laughing) Why? Are you pregnant?

GA4: Ha ha.

GA5: Oh, my God! Am I pregnant?

GA4: Okay, just listen. We had HR in today, and apparently….well, we just found out that, since gay marriage is legal, there’s no real reason to have domestic partnership benefits any more, since they were based on the idea that people in loving, committed gay relationships couldn’t get married. So, now….

GA5: So, now, what?

GA4: So, now, if you want to stay on my insurance, you have to be…I mean, we’re going to have to…I mean, they’re only going to offer benefits to legally married people now.

GA5: So, I guess I’m going to…

GA4: Yeah, you’re going on Obamacare.

Not only those, but gays who didn’t really want to get married are going to have uncomfortable conversations with children who want to make a “real” family, now that their two daddies or their two mommies can really get married. Married friends who never forced the issue before will suddenly discover they have all kinds of gay friends who need help finding “Person Right,” and will drive them crazy with suggestions, nudges, and nosy interference. All the romantic trappings that single heterosexuals have endured for millennia are now open to gays, as well—including family clashes, Bridezilla drama, pressure to spend gazillions on wedding-related goods and services, and getting left at the altar.

It will almost be worth considering getting into a polyamorous relationship—because we are all absolutely sure the Supreme Court would never let them get married!

Image: http://godandpoliticsuk.org/2014/02/12/gay-marriage-culture-wars-and-a-church-that-needs-to-return-to-its-roots/

About the author: Dr. Mom

Dr. Mom

Dr. Mom is a married mother of three boys and the author of Souls, Bodies, Spirits: The Drive to Abolish Abortion Since 1973. The hills she chooses to die on are the Bible and the Constitution, in that order. In addition to her American Studies doctorate, she also holds a Master’s degree in Forensic Psychology and is, therefore, perfectly equipped to interpret the current Administration. She also tweets as DrKC4.

View all articles by Dr. Mom

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