The Democrats are done weaving their web in Charlotte, and wow, what a web it was—an intricate lattice of multicolored Silly String that included everyone and said nothing.
Did you know that Democrats like the blacks? And the Hispanics? And the gays? And women? We didn’t know that. Now we do.
Did you know the Democrats have a plan to make the next four years better than the last four? Really? We didn’t. And after watching their convention, we still don’t.
All we know after watching it is that we all need to go forward together. ALL of us. Together. United. As one. No dissent. And no cutting in line. Forward. Together. MOVE it!
We’ve all moved forward out of the Stone Age and progressed as a society to the point where black men can make death threats against Barack Obama, Hispanic female delegates feel unafraid to say they want to kill Mitt Romney, and everyone’s cool with it! Because politics is all about being cool. As actor Kal “Kumar” Penn—whose nose is buried so far up Obama’s ass that it’s sticking out of his mouth—enthused from the convention sidelines, he “felt like it was cool to be engaged in politics” the first time he laid his fawning brown eyes upon Barack Obama. What a cool thing to say!
Because Republicans are the only party that makes things racial, the DNC was blacker than a family reunion at the Atlanta Airport Holiday Inn. Democratic strategists are obviously worried about the zero percent of black voters that currently support Romney and decided to aggressively target that zero percent with an endless parade of melanin mouthpieces. Congressmen John Lewis and James Clyburn—both of whom, against all available evidence, claimed they were called “nigger” after the Affordable Health Care Act was passed, spoke in marble-mouthed tones of how they dreamed of a day when it was no longer necessary for black politicians to falsely allege they were called “nigger” to win votes. Emanuel Cleaver II (a black man) of the Congressional Black Caucus (a black organization), who falsely claimed someone purposely spit on him during the same incident where Clyburn and Lewis falsely claimed they were called “nigger,” was also granted a speaking slot: “We are one! We might be black, brown, yella—it does not matter! We are one!” Hmm….one color seems to be missing.
Severely included were the Hispanics, or the Latinos, or the Chicanos, or the illegal aliens, or whatever those diminutive scamps are calling themselves these days. Speedy Gonzalez’s cousin delivered a heart-wrenching speech about the DREAM Act. Then the Frito Bandito’s mother spoke movingly about how she swam the Rio Grande with her small son hidden safely beneath one of her sagging breasts. The Taco Bell Chihuahua, Señor Wences, and José Jiménez all delivered speeches entirely in Spanish. And none of it—no, NONE of it, you racist!—constituted racial pandering.
This year’s DNC was so gay that Freddie Mercury cried pink tears from heaven. A video was shown that, ten seconds in, demonstrated how society could benefit from attending a congenial LGBT potluck dinner. A young man named Zack Wahls gave a speech about being raised by lesbian parents, which is one of the most dire and pressing issues currently facing this country. Barney Frank slobbered all over the mic about his gay marriage because gay marriage affects all of us, even though it doesn’t really affect many of us at all.