Cold Stone Killers … (Meowwww …)

Written by S.C. Sherman on February 9, 2013

660px-Domestic_cat_eating_bird_on_lawn-8Killers? You’re probably thinking this is another article about all the psychos in our society and the guns they use to kill innocent victims, but it’s not that at all. Well then, just who is the cold stone killer I’m writing about, you may ask? Maybe grizzly bears, or how about the ferocious great white shark, or maybe some kind of venomous snake?

No, the brutal creatures I’m talking about are cats. That’s right. House cats, feral cats, and the like. Puss-n-boots and Garfield like to come off as sweet and innocent felines, but Sylvester may actually betray the true nature of cats. Cats have a blood thirsty side for birds. Tweety-bird would’ve been lunch about a million times over if that cartoon was true to reality. A recent study by the Fish and Wildlife Service has determined that every year cats kill as many as 3.7 billion birds in the continental U.S. alone.

Yes, that was billion with a B. Wow … that’s a lot of birds. Why have we not heard of this before? Cat lovers apparently are complicit in one of the largest ongoing bloodbaths the world has ever seen. Who knew? Feline aficionados act like cats are harmless, cuddly, and cute. The media has portrayed them as innocent little fuzz balls, when in truth they are vicious, clawed, banshees, wielding out death at every turn.

The story even gets worse if you add in rabbits, mice, voles, and shrews. Does anyone even know what a vole is? Anyway, if we include these helpless mini-creatures the total number of murdered rodentia climbs to 20.7 billion dead.

When will the rodents of the world be protected? Where is the outrage? Does no one care about the blind mole happily minding his business digging holes in your yard? Out of nowhere, BAM … pounces a clawed demon ripping him limb from limb.

That’s not all, cats are even worse than our CIA. Cats engage in torture. Most people don’t know just how evil cats really are. Cats don’t kill quickly and painlessly. Oh no, they do a lot more than water board their prey. They “play” with their victim, teasing it, and waiting patiently for it to attempt to escape only to pounce upon it again and again. Cats actually enjoy mentally torturing the hapless victim before ultimately devouring it.

What’s to be done? Maybe it’s time to control the population by employing a Cat Hunting Season? The obvious answer to the study is that we have to regulate the number of cats running wild. Feral cats could be controlled by placing a bounty on their heads. Rednecks have been shooting feral cats for years for the sheer joy of it. Think how many could be eliminated with even a small bounty.

House cats would need to be registered with the state. Every so-called “tame” house cat would be required to be put into a national registry. Once a complete national registry is in place we could then limit the number cats each American is allowed to have. In certain cases, the government may have to confiscate some cats and euthanize them. Cat lovers could possibly apply for some “credits” to offset the damage to other species that their cat inflicts upon the world, thereby offsetting their “cat footprint”.

It goes without saying that people who “love” cats may be upset by this, but it’s only fair to the birds of the world. Everyone will be asked to do their part for the birds and mice. The times of buying cats anytime you feel like it or just because you want one are over. I know this sounds like I am writing a spoof article, but I’m not! I am personally not a cat person and have euthanized my share of them growing up on the farm. This article is absolutely serious. In the past, I may have laughed this idea off, but with the way our world is going, this is possible. The statist/progressives will use any method necessary to control every aspect of our lives, even our cats.

The study makes it perfectly clear that they believe people have been misled on the true nature of cats. With that said, things have to change as far as controlling them. Cat people … this is your warning. This is your wake up call. The more powerful our “State” becomes nothing will be off limits to their controls.

It may seem funny to talk about a “Cat Registry” but a study like this leads one to believe that it’s coming. In the name of fairness, throw in some environmental impact and you’ve got quite a package. Cat people unite or get ready to turn in some of your extra putty-tats, especially your clawed ones. I can see it now. A future headline … Cats – Cold Stone Killers!

Image: Domestic black and white cat eating bird;; source: originally posted to Flickr as Bad kitten; author:dr_relling; Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license

S.C. Sherman
S.C. Sherman grew up a farm kid in rural Iowa. He graduated from the University of Iowa with a degree in Communications Studies. Steve is a business owner, and recently ran for Iowa State House of Representatives.. S.C. enjoys political commentary and great stories. He has written three fiction novels found at He currently lives with his wife and four children in North Liberty, Iowa.