They Kept Blinking Their Eyes …

Written by David Hiatt on February 18, 2013

The following is satire.

1387164_chicks_in_the_farmyard_1Most guys have been sent to the market to purchase a certain item and they just do what is asked of them.  Cheryl, my fiancée asked me to go get some whole chickens that were non-antibiotic, non-hormone and non-steroid home grown chicken. Yeah, Cheryl is from Indiana country land and I am from New York.   Living in flyover country, the Midwest, I knew of some Amish that fed their chicken’s good grain and I knew they were as natural and earthly as a chicken could be.  We never had live whole chickens where I lived. 

When I arrived, I told these very friendly people that I needed three pounds of whole chicken that were naturally raised.  When they asked me if I had a cage to keep them in, my curiosity rose.  Just living a couple miles away, I told them I would take the cage with the chickens in it and return it the next day since I was cooking the chickens that night. 

After I put the chickens in the back of the truck, I had to go to Wal Mart, the closest store in town to get the marinade for the chickens and a few other items for the meal.  I read the ingredients and instructions before I left home but I was really unsure of what I was doing.  I like to cook in the kitchen but this is the first time that I will be using the smoker/grill outside for a primitive cook out. 

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Cheryl has always introduced me to wild things like avocado, shrimp and the snail thing called escargot.  That is what I love about her.  I love her crazy arse taste in food. Who would think of eating insect from the bottom of the ocean.   . She has asked me to jump out of a perfectly fine airplane.  . I told her that would happen only under two conditions:  The plane has lost it’s flying capability and if Obama has a third term.  I will never forget the time we went to a Bohemian Bar and Grill and she ordered her favorite meal for me.  It was a fish. The entire fish on a plate with peas and rice with natives serving it while smiling.  OK, I give up ,,, it was all delicious.

Back on my track to getting the ingredients while having freaking chickens clucking in the back of my truck.   I needed to pick up marinade that was a type of Szechuan Spicy.  I was told to put a dab of Soy in the marinade to make it go on lighter.  Cheryl said she would prepare the oriental veggies for the grill so no worry there. 

While I was at the store, I decided to pick up the maximum limit of bullets.  I have heard  Wal Mart has some pretty good prices on ammunition.  I have five guns that have been inherited but I do not know how to use them and not for sure what bullets to purchase.  Living in the Midwest, I figured I could get whatever I needed in ammunition.  

I made a list of what was on each of my firearms.  I needed 22, 38, 45, 410.  I had these numbers written down and the only thing that the store had was 22 hollow pt.  The first thing that came to mind was some blonde babe with a hollow head and actually NO POINT.  I passed on the 22 hollow.  I figured it was like shooting a BEE BEE.

After making the purchase of the final ingredients, I come home and roll up to the house.  I carried the chickens to the back and placed them by the smoker that was burning pretty hot.  Cheryl has the fire ready.   This is gonna be a new adventure to wildness for me but that is what my best friend, fiancé and soon to be wife wants and, of course, I crave adventure.  I return around to the front of the house and gather the produce that she needs to finish the meal. 

Upon entry of the front door, Cheryl gives me a big kiss and hug and she says, “I love you, honey, and I am looking forward to your first bird on the grill”.  WOW, I am excited but not looking forward to my first crazy cookout. 

I mixed up the marinade, soy with some funky Chinese marinade and took it out back where the chickens were.  I had a big brush and a stainless tub of sauce that was to be wiped on these poor chickens.  I must say, every new food item Cheryl has placed before me has been wonderful, so this must be the same.

I pushed the brush through the pin and wiped as much sauce as I could all over the birds.  I think the spicy sauce was burning their eyes cause they kept blinking at me and clucking wildly.  I actually ran out of sauce in a short time so I went back inside the house.  I told Cheryl I needed more sauce and she said she had something on the same line that would work.  I went back outside and continued smothering the hens with more sauce.  
Cheryl bought me an upright griller/smoker for my birthday in November.  I put the product together.  I have smoked jerky before but I have never had a griller/smoker like this elaborate product.  Now to put it to the test.  I have eaten some strange things like avocados but this will be the first time I have cooked whole chickens, non-antibiotic, non-steroid, non-hormone in the grill/smoker. 

The chickens were covered in a type of sauce.  They were sluggish until I tried to pick them up.  I think they were just a little pissed.  They kept blinking their eyes like they were burning.  While I was picking them up, I was kinda laughing.  Here comes the smoker …   I threw both birds into the smoker.  I could hear them for a few seconds and then there was silence.

I knew I had both coated good with the marinade like Cheryl told me to do.  Whole birds on the grill.  Woosh, what an adventure.  I am sure it will be tasty.  This is all new to me.

WAKE UP … If you can find a place to buy ammo … buy it NOW.  It is becoming non-existent!

Preceding is satire.

David Hiatt sees a good part of America driving his truck across it, mostly from Indiana down to the bottom of Texas. He is a passionate Christian Constitutional Conservative that is concerned about the direction this Great Nation is heading.