According to Wikipedia, the beetle species Popillia japonica is commonly known as the Japanese beetle. It is a little over a half inch long and just under a half inch wide. It has iridescent copper-colored wings and a green thorax and head. I don’t really care about all that science stuff. I’m just mentioning it now as an ice-breaker. But what I do care about is my grape vineyard. Okay, so it’s not really a “vineyard”, per se. It’s just a fence with grape vines running along one side of my vegetable garden about 60 feet long. It’s loaded with concord grapes, and in a few months I’ll be picking them all and canning grape juice. (Unless, of course, those pesky Japanese Beetles beat me to the (grape-flavored) punch.)
I swear all those bugs do is feed and breed, feed and breed, and then they eat and copulate some more. And they do it shamelessly right there in broad daylight in front of my kids. Last year I killed them all using politically incorrect Seven’s dust. (That means poison to all you city slickers.) In fact, I was besieged by thousands of the little varmints, and they were stripping my grape plants bare. So I murdered them in cold blood. (Truth be told I actually enjoyed my revenge.)
But that was last year. This year is different. My wife is on this organic gardening kick, so I had to come up with something more humane, something friendlier and more civilized. Finally, after much study, analysis and cogitation, I got an idea. This year, I’ll just rip their heads off!
And I’ll be darned … it works.
Every morning I go out to my vines and walk slowly along each side. When I find a beetle (usually two riding piggy-back since they’re such nymphos) I calmly reach over and pluck them off the leaf. Quickly, but casually, I grip the beetle between my left thumb and forefinger, then I take my right thumb and forefinger and I pinch its head off. It’s quick, simple, friendly to the environment and incredibly humane. I’m not poisoning the groundwater, and the animal doesn’t suffer. I drop them in a bucket and by time I’ve finished I have around fifty to one hundred dead beetles. Then I walk over to the chicken coop and dump them in. I tell ya; those are the happiest chickens in the county. The beetles feed the chickens, and the chickens feed me. Don’t ya just love that food chain!
So my beetle problem is solved. Now, if only the liberal infestation spreading out across America could be eradicated so easily. They breed; they feed; they breed; they feed. They’re so busy sucking on the government welfare titty there’s no time for them to get a job or actually produce anything worthwhile. They just consume the fruits of other people’s labor. Like the Japanese beetle, it’s their sole purpose in life. If only we had a conservative political party with enough balls and determination to pluck them off the leaf and pinch their heads off. But alas, all we have are Republicans.
The present two-party system reminds me of my chicken coop. I have 12 hens and two roosters.
Question: If one rooster can breed 12 hens, then why should I feed two roosters?
I’ve been watching my chickens with interest, especially the two roosters. Those two fight like cats and … well, no … like two roosters with only one harem. So something had to be done. Everyone knows there’s room for only one rooster per hen house. But the problem is … which one to keep? I noticed that one rooster was bigger, stronger, more protective and more aggressive. He usually won. So, being the practical man I am, this morning I loaded up my Taurus Judge revolver with four-ten shotgun shells (No 6 shot) and went on out to the chicken coop. I took careful aim and blew away the redundancy. It took me a half hour to skin and gut him, and we had stewed rooster for dinner tonight. Problem not only solved, but converted into something tangible and beneficial.