By Carl Kaver
Clash Daily Guest Contributor
The following is satire:
Following the controversial use of chemical weapons in Syria, President Obama held a strategy meeting in the White House’s situation room. Though there are no clear motives, nor proof to substantiate the claim that the Syrian government is responsible, the chemical attacks are believed by the White House to have been carried out by Syrian President, Bashar al-Assad.
President al-Assad, the democratically elected leader of Syria, has been at odds with radical Islamic groups determined to oust democracy and implement a theocratic, Islamic government in Syria.
Amid increasing leaks from the Obama white house, an anonymous White House official has disclosed a conversation he overheard between President Obama and top ranking military officials during the Syria strategy meeting.
“I was outside of the situation room, shredding Benghazi documents, when their [President Obama’s strategy team] conversation became loud enough to clearly understand,” explained the anonymous source.
“It must have been a military official – he raised his voice and that’s when I could hear them: ‘You sold most of our gold and rare earth reserves to China! You’ve crucially downsized our nuclear program, not to mention slashing the ranks of our ground troops! How do you expect us to build the components necessary for such a strike on Syria?’” exclaimed an unidentified voice.
What followed were fits of rage, as loud banging noises could be heard from the outside of the room. “I couldn’t make out all he was saying, some of it sounded like Arabic,” the source said, clearly in a state of emotional dismay.
That’s when the president shocked everyone by demanding, “Here! Take this for missile components!” “Not your Peace Prize!” another voice injected. “Yes, the Peace Prize! And bring me a Sharpie marker, this is for MUSBROS!” After a brief pause the President demanded, “John, go feed this crap-sandwich to the press!” It is assumed that he was addressing U.S. Secretary of State, John Kerry.
President Obama was awarded the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize in 2009, by the Norwegian Nobel Committee, for tirelessly spouting ambiguous partisan political rhetoric.
According to other White House sources, MUSBROS Coffee House, not to be confused with the controversial theocratic political group, the Muslim Brotherhood, is a small recreational establishment located in Jisrayn, Syria and popular among locals.
It is a place President Obama is claimed to have frequented while attending political rallies during his college years. MUSBROS was said to have been affected by the recent chemical attack in Syria.
When asked to clarify, the source stated, “If I was a betting man, I’d say he [President Obama] was going to melt that Peace Prize into a warhead and use that Sharpie marker to write ‘This is for MUSBROS’ on it, then shoot that sucker into Syria.”
Carl Kaver cut his teeth as a civilian member of the most elite CIA counter-terrorism team that the 1970s had to offer. Bored and upset with the failed leadership of President Jimmy Carter, he decided to pursue his interest in professional arm wrestling on the American Professional Arm Wrestling Tour (APAWT). At the mature age of 16, having won the World Championship, Carl was ejected from the APAWT for unnecessary violence, after a democrat opponent made undesirable comments about Carl’s mother. Carl went on to pursue his interest in wrestling crocodiles, until he was severely wounded on the job. Having broke both hands while dismembering the head from living croc, he decided to change courses. He had mastered all other desires in life, and only one remained: report the news. The rest is history.
In memory of those that gave their lives.