ACCORDING TO SHARPTON: If You’re White, Then You’re a Racist

Written by Doug Giles on September 1, 2013

If you think Ice T is a delicious, summer-time drink and not a west coast rapper.

If your treble is turned up higher than your bass in your Toyota Prius.

If you think booty is goods or property seized through piracy.

If you think Tupac Shakur is a Jewish holiday.

If you can’t wait to start journaling in your new faux leather alligator embossed diary.

If you DVR Glee.

If you think eating hummus makes you exotic, and thus, hip.

If you enjoy rollerblading while listening to Tony Robbins.

If you wear a Polo shirt with the collar flipped up.

If you think Lucille Ball was a hoot.

If you adore songs by Graham Russell and Roger Hitchcock.

If you only eat organic vegetables purchased via a group co-op.

If the only black music you listen to is rare, bootleg tracks by Duke Ellington.

If you enjoy badminton and/or croquet.

If grammar is really, really important to you.

If you play children’s board games with other married couples while sharing a 2009 bottle of Columbia Crest’s best.

If you’re a man and you wear a scarf.

If you weep during a Celine Dion concert.

If you play Farmville on Facebook.

If you’re on Facebook.

If your Volvo’s first preset button on your car stereo directs you to NPR.

If book bargains excite you.

If you think TED Conferences are, “so awesome!”

If parts of High School make you despondent.

If you have two trashcans: one for paper and one for plastic.

If you have a Pottery Barn and/or a Williams & Sonoma credit card.

If you legally own a firearm.

If you like Taylor Swift’s new bangs.

If a $25 sandwich makes you feel healthier, and thus, wiser.

If you’re a vegetarian.

If you tie a sweater around your neck in case in gets chilly later on in the evening.

If your kid speaks several languages.

If you apologize for not speaking several languages.

If you have a mini-van with stick figures representing your family.

If living on the water is important to you.

If the Sound of Music is your favorite film.

If you have a Bachelor’s degree in Fine Art.

If you go to New York City just to see their plays.

If you love opera.

If you love country and western music.

If you have a Mac Book Pro, an iPad and an iPhone.

If you insist on being referred to by your first, middle and last name.

If you turn to IKEA to bring balance to your life during the autumn months.

If you convert to Shamanism just to piss off your Presbyterian parents.

… then you might be white.

If any of the aforementioned is true about you then you’re probably a Caucasian, and being a Caucasian you’re probably, according to Al Sharpton and Chris Matthews, a racist.

To them … it’s that easy.